Brute husbands

Some of you maybe interested in the conversation below.

Thanks & Regards
PK :



Dear PK,
Do you have a solution (to change in a systematic manner) for tackling with and surviving husbands who bully and shout at wives at the drop of a hat? They just look for mistakes only all the time and never miss an opportunity to shout and insult. This way the dignity of the wife is not respected. I know this man comes from a house where his mother, even at the age of 70, gets shouted at all the time by his father. He has been raised this way. They think this is manly behavior. At time he is raises his hand and causes physical hurt in various ways. One is left with no choice than to complain with police but most of the times I've noticed in most cases even the police don't take it seriously as these men are connected.

Is there a possibility of bringing some sense to these relationships? Even if the wife doesn't react these guys become irritated and go on using abusive word and provoke intentionally. I agree with you as I too know for sure that (your words)"I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves."
But I am talking about cases where even without the fault of others they misuse their positions.
Looking for guidance.







From a level-headed general view, your question would be replied like this:

What you describe is a fait accompli. The cast has solidified and change is not possible. Some cosmetic changes maybe possible if the husbands cooperate but the basic nature of the men is strongly embedded with certain habits and will not change. Any efforts at change will only produce very opposite reactions and contradictory results.
The husbands have evolved into what they are and who will show them the error of their ways and how?

They have willing women who stick to them nevertheless. Why should they change? They are quite happy as they are. Humans normally do not think or want to bring in change in themselves after their personalities have formed. After the age of 21 or so it is more a question of proving themselves and they will put all their effort in it - never in change.
Societal pressure can bring in some restraint but most societies are too lazy to enforce anything. Nobody wants get embroiled in other's problems. Specially if it concerns the authority of men then of course all men collectively will support their dominance.
Human nature is such that it will justify itself and try to prove that the fault is always of the other guy - in this case of the women. Who will contradict them or get into an argument to prove them wrong or whatever?

The police always treat it as an internal family matter. For frankly, they cannot really do anything except lock up the men on charges of battery and assault – if the women bring in this charge and there is physical, medically proven hurt to show which will stand up in court. Battering women is manly sport and the mindset of the police in India is no different.

What are the women doing? Do they realize they are tacitly approving the behavior of their men? Sure, the question does come up if they have any options in life open to them to take any kind of action; we have to understand their fear of losing the roof over their heads and finding themselves abandoned in the wild of the streets.

I have always felt that most people are where they are because they have sort of agreed to their state. Otherwise they would do something about it. Unless they crave for a change and make the first moves, nothing can be done.

Now what can we do for these women? Do the women have any ideas?

The only medicine these men will understand is force bruter than their own. Is this an advisable route? Where and how to generate this force? Fear is the key here. If we can instill fear in them of severe repercussions, we might open a window into their personas that would force them to act otherwise.

Oh How I wish I could take a few bouncers with me and give them a good dunking and put some fear of god into them.

Then please also see the other side of the picture. Women are no angels. Relationships normally begin on a rosy note. They deteriorate later because women do not realize that the man who is initially totally under her spell will one day wake up. By then women tend to pick up habits or patterns of behavior of their own within the relationship. They start expecting too much. Later when the attraction of their charms has waned, their habits like sulking, pouting and not paying attention to anything but their own wants & wishes can be severe irritants.

When arguments result, which is unavoidable, both take rigid stands as if their positions are inviolate. Resentments start to get entrenched in their respective memories. From this point on, the relationship becomes antagonistic.

Counseling should come in at this stage. Fear of God and kindness of dispositions & other considerations can do a lot to save the situation. But where these are missing, selfishness and arrogance will have their full play and only the worst can be imagined.

Why do we shout when angry

Why do we shout when we are angry?


I received this question in the mail; and this little story. The story is beautiful and does explain poetically many things but I felt that the question needs to be studied a little more closely and objectively.
First the story:

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger?
Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
'But, why shout when the other person is just next to you?' Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their
hearts get distanced.
To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other.
The angrier they are, the louder they will have to shout to hear each
other through that great distance.'
Have you noticed two people in love?
Because their hearts are very close to each other they talk softly. They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in
their love. Deep love does not even need whispering.

I was pondering over this question yesterday. A small visit into my own self made me realize something.

We shout mainly to hit hard. It is a physical action. The need to hurt the other guy is strong. It is only thoughts of our self preservation that keep us in control. Quite often even this control line is also crossed. People with low mental discipline cross this line with greater speed and ease. Their egos are easily bruised and they have very little to lose as they have very little to live for. It is best to keep a distance from these people as they will let fists fly at the smallest excuse.
I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves. Their indignation is a wonderful act of contrived acting. When we are nitpicking and focusing on faults of others, anger comes easily and with justification. Vaingloriously and righteously we march forward to correct, change and educate this uncouth world.
It is so exhilarating to let one-self go when we see we have the upper hand in a particular argument; especially if the recipient of the anger is not in a position to fight back. In contrast you should see the softness of attitude exuded by Beings who have Compassion and benevolence as the foundation of their persona.
I have observed anger suddenly popping up from somewhere deep inside me. More often by the helplessness I feel. The galling fact of having to accommodate and tolerate gives rise to most bombs of anger.
Mostly anger is the only method available to show how deeply we have been wronged. Verbal abuse is the natural culmination of this aspect. When our intellect or position in society has been attacked we have to let fly. But we cannot go beyond certain limits as we live, although I say it erroneously, in polite society. We want to follow rules of decent and logical behavior which the other person is not prepared to; he may be crossing the line rather more than just subtly by infringing on our rightful space. The legal system cannot always be counted on to provide relief. Our seething is also a show of our helplessness. Living with louts is such a pain.
But then the next question is why and about what is all this anger. Is it worth it? Can’t we live without it? I have understood that with wisdom the need or putting it another way, the irritants become less and less. When we see the continuity of life and the state of the Creation, a little introspection and a visit into our subconscious will show that we are acting and reacting more by certain habits than a real need to be angry. We have been conditioned that way and we are only carrying forward some patterns received from the human chain.
I have often observed irritation precedes a full show of anger in me. And if there is no backlash, it grows in intensity as it is poured out. Often when my little one is “NOT LISTENING”, I am able to restrain myself saying she is but a child but the other side of logic says that she has to be corrected and shown the error of her ways. (I suppose we feel this way towards the whole world). But now she is telling me back that if I do not “listen” to her she will get angry at me. She is reflecting my own behavior. We want her to listen to us and she wants us to listen to her. It is an impasse. So what is the right way to tackle this situation?
We can break this pattern by dint of effort to rationalize and teach ourselves new tricks. Subconscious patterns can over-power us before our will power and reason has a chance to kick-in. So this process needs time and continuous vigilance. The effects of our effort will start showing when we become less serious about the vagaries and stupidities of life and see the whole as a bit of a comedy.
As a parting shot I may add that it has been noticed that men tend to give physical form to their anger while women stick to more verbal methods.