Friendships & Quarrels

Friendship, Discussions, Quarrels

When we are communicating with each other we have many stages to contend with. These could be classified as Exchange, Acceptance, Approval, Discussions, Arguments & Quarrels. It would be good question to ask in which mode or mood we are most of the time and have made it our general behavior pattern.

I have a friend of nearly forty years standing who has one of the finest brains, sharp and analytical. He can see through a problem and situation. With this he has a generous disposition and the result is that we have never had a single instance of voices being raised or any disagreement being voiced. How did we achieve that? 40 years without ever getting upset, angry or in an intellectual argument – can you believe that?

On the other hand there are people, close to me and we can be assured that a conversation with them will swiftly degenerate into an irritable football match. Now I am using in these examples, myself as the central figure so that we have a common factor. In both the above cases I am the other guy; so the fault cannot be fully in me and if it is not with the other person how does it come about that we end up arguing or/and raising voices?

With my friend it has been a story of acceptance and mutual help always in whatever capacity it can be done. The answer is always “yes” and then we try to find ways and means to achieve our ends. Regard for each other’s intelligence and intention are solidly & unwaveringly set in our minds. When we make promises we never forget them and try to keep our words without fail. Excuses and rationalizations are simply not in our mode of conduct. Is this so difficult to follow by all in everyday life?

I am not immune to losing my temper or getting irritated. It is the frequency with which it gets out of hand with some people and never with others. So I sat down to ponder over this big question. I find that most of the quarrels are resulting where these elements exist in any one of the individual involved in the discussion:

- Amour propre. This is the most common of factors. When we are full of love for ourselves, we need to be appreciated. That and that alone makes our world move. So even an innocuous question like “Do you know where are my car keys?” can have a serious bent to it with the other person deciding that he is being blamed for the problem and a reply would something like this-“ How would I know? Why blame me?” This would then irritate you as you were looking for help and it was a general question; the riposte takes you thinking on the track that how could this person think of you as insensitive or accusative. Your own Amour propre begins to bleed: so now depending if you are the fighter kind or the philosophical kind, you will either swallow your pride and go on with your life or come back with an irritated face and try to make the other guy see “The Light”. A useless and mood-spoiling scene will ensue and everyone will feel bad afterwards. Worse, a seed of natural disagreement and dislike will be sown which will add into the next exchange.
- Then there are those whose Amour propre is so inflated that whatever they do and say is infected by this element. The only way a relationship is possible with them is to keep them perennially contented by praise and acceptance which suits them fine or rather if you look deep into their hearts, that is what they have been aiming at all the time.
- Self-validating. We validate our amour-propre in many ways. You paint a picture and somebody likes it. You sing and somebody praises it. You cook dish and all relish it. These are ways of self-validating. Many like to find faults and prove themselves superior. They are tuned to say the opposite of whatever and never allow a fault or error to go un-noticed or un-announced. Witticism is generally at play here. These are the most annoying of all and my way with them is simple: avoid them; do not accept their existence. Give them no value at all. Pray that they will go and pester somebody else.
- Poor Listening is another factor. We jump to conclusions and start judging, mostly negatively even before we have heard the other guy out. This is mostly in evidence when you are not interested in listening at all as it might mean change or extra duties to live with it and who wants that? And if perchance you are able to show them the error of their ways, they will fight it out to prove that they were never wrong( that they can ever be wrong is out of the question) and that the basic mistake was in your presentation or use of a wrong word or something. Our preconceived notions kick in to join the fray and a reasonably good fire-laden argument can be envisaged.
- Knowingly Belligerent. When we know we are in the wrong what do we do? Try to cover up. And one of the most effective ways is by way of confusing the issue. In a place like the office or home this is possible and often done with great panache and much more often than not. We can even look for scapegoats. In the office we are safe from physical assault and other agencies cannot butt in and then we have witnesses all around. So it is safe and we may get away with apparently although behind our backs we may be disliked. But in issues and locales where mere words will not help, like a scrape in the open where a scooterist slips in front of your car and you end up throwing him off, what do you do because the big question is who is really in the wrong? You know it is not your fault but do you think the scooterist will let you have your way and quietly walk off? He will accuse you of hitting him from behind and you are in the soup! Other agencies in the form of a crowd and police may butt in and you might just end up paying heftily for something you are not at fault for. I hope you would know what to do because to date I have not waited to find out – if possible and if I am sure it was not my fault, I use the technique of shooting off in my vehicle and have often been chased but running away has been always my style and I advise you to do the same in all cases where a regular, sensible and equitable discussion is not possible or will not ever be allowed to be.