On this Q: Today I scolded the watchman of my building very badly he was not switching on the water pump..Later when I saw his eyes they were full of tears .Have always tried talking politely with him but he has always taken me for granted today i scolded so finally he switched it on..What is the ideal way? I am not able to judge whatever which I did today was the right attitude or not .
My response:
The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is first true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took all of you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was being given a lot of margin of error in his actions and that you were all being nice to him. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.
This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She will never let show her true feelings. She will keep silent and let others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approx after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her since ages that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.
Some fault for this situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are taught that good manners are better than being true and clear. So of course, there is a gap between what we want to and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.
We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see. Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, precisely the action and attitude to take at any given moment.
Then there are a lot of judgmental people and for them I had written an article sometime ago of which I repeat some passages:
Have you noticed how some people can speak their part only in outbursts of some kind? They would be otherwise nice, sane people going about their lives in a circular routine that they have built around themselves. Yet, under their calm exterior there is always some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing quietly which, keeps them perpetually irritated about something or the other.
I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.
So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
To Flower or remain in the bud.
COMFORT ZONE.
There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.
How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.
My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.
Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?
Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.
Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?
This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.
There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.
How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.
My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.
Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?
Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.
Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?
This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
