Greeting My Child.
Today I can emphatically say that I am angry. What is gone wrong with adults? The insensitivity shown towards my child or for that matter other children simply makes me want to strangle them; don’t be fooled my exterior that is smiling benevolently. What has got my blood boiling you ask?
The thing is that most evenings, my daughter wants to go to my wife’s office to pick her up. As this happens to be after work hours of the bank, my child loves to play around in the open spaces of the bank with no one around to stop her while my wife finishes her day’s quota of work and closes down for the day. All this is fine but take for instance yesterday. On the way in, first we meet the guard who keeps the doors locked and permits only known people to enter. He greets her with a big smile but these words – “Hullo. Who do you want to meet? Your mother? But your mother is not there; the bank is closed.”
You can see the excitement that was shining on the face of the child disappear and concern wash over. I am angry but say nothing. Will it serve any purpose to teach the gentleman that this is not a good way to greet the child by scaring him/her? Where is the fun in this greeting?
Do we as adults greet other by saying things like – Hullo you know your wife just left with another man/ or Did you know your father just locked you out of the house and went away? . We do not think this proper, do we? Then why do we feel this is amusing when we deal with the child who is supposed to be learning from us through our behavior?
Let’s get back to our story. Then we enter the bank and there another lady colleague is encountered and all she has to say is – “Hullo, baby, where are you going? Your mother is not there! My poor child is now upset and looking at me. I wink at her and keep my mouth closed although I am seething inside. I quietly pull her away and we walk on and enter the big hall where my wife has her desk but she is not at in her chair. Her colleague who is sitting nearby and well known to the child says to my daughter: “Oh you have come for your mother? But she is not there.” My child is now really more than upset. Thank God that she does not so easily trust anybody. She holds my hand tight in concern. I tell her that mummy has gone to the toilet and she will be here soon. This time I show my displeasure but only in my eyes as I make it clear that I am not happy at seeing him. But did he get the message or just thought of me as uncouth.
The worst is yet to come. Some new recruits were around. My daughter had just painted a wooden house and was eager to show her handiwork, which she does to her mother. The new recruit, a young lady of some merit, asks my daughter who made it. And of course she says, I made it. With her limited vocabulary to her “make” “paint” all are the same. The young lady shows her adultness by remarking “No you did not make it. You are lying”. A straight accusation without a second thought. I dare to do the same with another adult. I was livid with disgust.
Had it not been in the bank, and out of consideration for my wife, I would have lashed out at these so called wise and intelligent adults of the human race. What’s with these adults? Is this all they know about talking to children? Is this their idea of a joke(sic)? Are these the people who are setting shining examples for the next generation? God save this human race!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Hidden Messages
.Have you ever experienced the situation when you wrote something and the other party misunderstood it or interpreted it differently, sometimes to the extent of even getting hurt or/and insulted. This is what comes when we are too sensitively inclined and read overmuch between the lines for Hidden Messages. “HIDDEN MESSAGES”? What in the name of heaven for?
But this is also a pointer to how we complicate our lives by assigning meanings to things by letting our imaginations roam and fly of the handle. How we interpret situations with angles that are not there. What could be the reason behind it?
One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because I have used it as a gambit in the game of life. Others there may be but would not be so clearly obvious. It is that we want the other guy to say something specific and as we can’t put words in his mouth we goad him to come out with it by purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We use the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings style. The ploy is to show that we have misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why not) directly. In his defense and to keep the goodwill alive the other person then is sort of obligated to say something nice and reconciliatory which is more in line to what we want to hear. We may then continue the playacting by making a show of sulk so that the poor other guy, to keep the relationship alive elaborates further by saying even nicer things in his defense. Wives, every single one of them, use this technique to keep their husbands in line.
For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to say……..” to start an accusation works very well. After this sentence is in the air, the respondent has no other recourse but to go on the defensive and explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot of people have perfected this as an art. In many I have noticed this has become part of their persona. Don’t’ fall for it. You should respond by smiling coolly and changing the subject. Or if something has to be said, say something like” Oh come on! Don’t be an ass!!” and laugh it off. If you are not good at acting etc then stick to the straight and narrow and give him the explanation but remember you’ve been had.
This is something like using reverse psychology. For example I give here an imaginative example: HE- Will you come to the tailor with me; I have to try my new suit? YOU – I wish I could but I have already promised my wife to go out with her to the market. HE – So you don’t care what happens too my expensive investment in this suit?
Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil and tragedies we humans create by being ambiguous and ah, so clever; sometimes just for the heck of it. If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If we make it a habit which others will soon recognize, we would soon avoid so many unpleasant situations.
True, we may lose many acquaintances who waste our time and opportunities that would have perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but we may also be more contended and I think it is all worth it. True friends never go away; rather they relish the candid truth.
Clarity of expression is avoided only where heightened egos are at play. And when these are around, peace and happiness or great achievements never take place. Although I have to admit in the need for tact in life threatening situations it is better to lie and play the game then get into an ugly situation for nothing.
But whatever one may say I would rather do without all this complicated stress with a dagger pointing at me, calculating at all times what is to be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice show in your words or attitude; unfortunately this is the stuff of saints and most humans would only scoff at me.
But this is also a pointer to how we complicate our lives by assigning meanings to things by letting our imaginations roam and fly of the handle. How we interpret situations with angles that are not there. What could be the reason behind it?
One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because I have used it as a gambit in the game of life. Others there may be but would not be so clearly obvious. It is that we want the other guy to say something specific and as we can’t put words in his mouth we goad him to come out with it by purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We use the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings style. The ploy is to show that we have misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why not) directly. In his defense and to keep the goodwill alive the other person then is sort of obligated to say something nice and reconciliatory which is more in line to what we want to hear. We may then continue the playacting by making a show of sulk so that the poor other guy, to keep the relationship alive elaborates further by saying even nicer things in his defense. Wives, every single one of them, use this technique to keep their husbands in line.
For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to say……..” to start an accusation works very well. After this sentence is in the air, the respondent has no other recourse but to go on the defensive and explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot of people have perfected this as an art. In many I have noticed this has become part of their persona. Don’t’ fall for it. You should respond by smiling coolly and changing the subject. Or if something has to be said, say something like” Oh come on! Don’t be an ass!!” and laugh it off. If you are not good at acting etc then stick to the straight and narrow and give him the explanation but remember you’ve been had.
This is something like using reverse psychology. For example I give here an imaginative example: HE- Will you come to the tailor with me; I have to try my new suit? YOU – I wish I could but I have already promised my wife to go out with her to the market. HE – So you don’t care what happens too my expensive investment in this suit?
Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil and tragedies we humans create by being ambiguous and ah, so clever; sometimes just for the heck of it. If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If we make it a habit which others will soon recognize, we would soon avoid so many unpleasant situations.
True, we may lose many acquaintances who waste our time and opportunities that would have perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but we may also be more contended and I think it is all worth it. True friends never go away; rather they relish the candid truth.
Clarity of expression is avoided only where heightened egos are at play. And when these are around, peace and happiness or great achievements never take place. Although I have to admit in the need for tact in life threatening situations it is better to lie and play the game then get into an ugly situation for nothing.
But whatever one may say I would rather do without all this complicated stress with a dagger pointing at me, calculating at all times what is to be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice show in your words or attitude; unfortunately this is the stuff of saints and most humans would only scoff at me.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Let go
Let go and let live
This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.
Here is one of the conversations:
Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".
One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.
Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?
My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.
He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.
Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.
Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.
The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.
First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?
It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.
I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.
It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.
The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.
What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!
This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.
Here is one of the conversations:
Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".
One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.
Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?
My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.
He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.
Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.
Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.
The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.
First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?
It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.
I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.
It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.
The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.
What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!
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