MENDING RELATIONSHIPS
A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best of times.
It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.
Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.
Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give irritating rashes.
I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.
Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly presumptuous!
Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture. Things are now cool and contented between us.
There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
TIRED for Nothing.
My wife is one of the pillars of our country. She works so that people like me can enjoy a life of bliss. I am definitely one of the hangers-on; living away from the hustle-bustle of modern day life and inconveniences. I am so used to the calm and silences in my life that getting out of the house seems like being dropped in a cauldron. The down side of living as a hanger-on is that we have to go where we are lead. So outings are decided by the time availability of my wife and I am taken along for the convenience; after all somebody has to drive the car, hold the baby and the bags, give technical advice on goods and products and if necessary talk the shop-keeper down.
Now we are from the middle class. This means we cannot afford to go shopping in air-conditioned malls or other exotic locales; although I do remember going to one mall some time ago to have the experience. The place was full of young people with no place to go and the shops were empty. After a while I just wanted out of there. Coming back to my story, we go to one of the largest middle class shopping centers in town called the Sarojini Market. From a sleepy market it has now become one of the most crowded and vibrant but in its favor one has to say that everything we are looking for we find them there and also many things that irritate us.
Saturdays and Sundays are the only days we have free time. Unfortunately the whole town suffers from the same symptom. The shops are fine, even the crowd can be tolerated. What makes the experience tiresome is the walking area is full of well entrenched hawkers taking up the whole place and the shopkeepers displaying their wares outside the showrooms, taking up the walking area. Then the itinerant sellers with their wares on their shoulders keep coming on, they stand right in your path and ask you to buy their hankies, belts or tablecloths - the list is long. I feel like giving them one. To add to the melee are the beggars.
Dirt from spitting, garbage and the attitude that every corner is a dustbin if not a toilet forms part of the larger picture.
So the poor visitors who make the market hum are left struggling with 4 feet of space to wander in. It is shoulder to shoulder experience and the fear that your pocket will be picked. I go there because I have to but after precisely an hour or so, I absolutely demand a glass of cold coffee. This revives me for about twenty minutes. Then when the going becomes unbearable, we enter any of the showrooms that have created a haven by glass and air-conditioning. We pose at looking at their wares and obviously find nothing of interest. Revived then we go on again.
And I wonder why I am getting so tired in this surrounding. Is it the carbon dioxide in the air or just my sensitivity or something else? Of course the attitude of the people we end up interacting with is very “do-your-thing-quickly-and-go”; polite but couldn’t care less.
Then I chanced to read a passage in the TOI from the Karuna Wellness Centre. The writer says: “Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”. I find this explanation perfectly explaining the fatigue I feel. The relief I get on getting out of the market is palpable; as if coming out of a sauna.
The auras of others are not the only thing I would say. When you are used to cleaner environment and have spent a lot of time in beautifying your space, and you wish to live a “beautiful” life, you are annoyed and it shows when you have to tolerate the mess and dirt created by others – specially in public places. I have always used the condition of the toilet area as an indicator of the mentality of the owners and a very fine pointer to the environment and attitudes I will meet there. I have rarely been wrong.
I have often wondered why as a people we are so callous about the cleanliness of public spaces. Just look at this picture.
This is the entry to the market of Greater Kailash 1 market; one of the poshest colonies or at least with a very rich class of residents. People from all over come here. This is where they park their stylish cars worth a few fortunes. But nobody complains so there is a tacit acceptance. When shall we insist on getting the best? Because as Somerset Maugham says: Those who insist on the best normally get it!
It has to be a collective effort.
Best Wishes
PK
skype:pradeepmahesh, http://in.mc947.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=s164gk1@yahoo.com,
my sites
http://sites.google.com/site/pradeepmaheshwaris164gk1del/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
http://sites.google.com/site/gunaspublishing
http://authortree.com/pk/Home
My groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/the-four-mothers/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thisbusinessofliving/
My blogs:
http://pk.posterous.com/
My wife is one of the pillars of our country. She works so that people like me can enjoy a life of bliss. I am definitely one of the hangers-on; living away from the hustle-bustle of modern day life and inconveniences. I am so used to the calm and silences in my life that getting out of the house seems like being dropped in a cauldron. The down side of living as a hanger-on is that we have to go where we are lead. So outings are decided by the time availability of my wife and I am taken along for the convenience; after all somebody has to drive the car, hold the baby and the bags, give technical advice on goods and products and if necessary talk the shop-keeper down.
Now we are from the middle class. This means we cannot afford to go shopping in air-conditioned malls or other exotic locales; although I do remember going to one mall some time ago to have the experience. The place was full of young people with no place to go and the shops were empty. After a while I just wanted out of there. Coming back to my story, we go to one of the largest middle class shopping centers in town called the Sarojini Market. From a sleepy market it has now become one of the most crowded and vibrant but in its favor one has to say that everything we are looking for we find them there and also many things that irritate us.
Saturdays and Sundays are the only days we have free time. Unfortunately the whole town suffers from the same symptom. The shops are fine, even the crowd can be tolerated. What makes the experience tiresome is the walking area is full of well entrenched hawkers taking up the whole place and the shopkeepers displaying their wares outside the showrooms, taking up the walking area. Then the itinerant sellers with their wares on their shoulders keep coming on, they stand right in your path and ask you to buy their hankies, belts or tablecloths - the list is long. I feel like giving them one. To add to the melee are the beggars.
Dirt from spitting, garbage and the attitude that every corner is a dustbin if not a toilet forms part of the larger picture.
So the poor visitors who make the market hum are left struggling with 4 feet of space to wander in. It is shoulder to shoulder experience and the fear that your pocket will be picked. I go there because I have to but after precisely an hour or so, I absolutely demand a glass of cold coffee. This revives me for about twenty minutes. Then when the going becomes unbearable, we enter any of the showrooms that have created a haven by glass and air-conditioning. We pose at looking at their wares and obviously find nothing of interest. Revived then we go on again.
And I wonder why I am getting so tired in this surrounding. Is it the carbon dioxide in the air or just my sensitivity or something else? Of course the attitude of the people we end up interacting with is very “do-your-thing-quickly-and-go”; polite but couldn’t care less.
Then I chanced to read a passage in the TOI from the Karuna Wellness Centre. The writer says: “Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”. I find this explanation perfectly explaining the fatigue I feel. The relief I get on getting out of the market is palpable; as if coming out of a sauna.
The auras of others are not the only thing I would say. When you are used to cleaner environment and have spent a lot of time in beautifying your space, and you wish to live a “beautiful” life, you are annoyed and it shows when you have to tolerate the mess and dirt created by others – specially in public places. I have always used the condition of the toilet area as an indicator of the mentality of the owners and a very fine pointer to the environment and attitudes I will meet there. I have rarely been wrong.
I have often wondered why as a people we are so callous about the cleanliness of public spaces. Just look at this picture.
This is the entry to the market of Greater Kailash 1 market; one of the poshest colonies or at least with a very rich class of residents. People from all over come here. This is where they park their stylish cars worth a few fortunes. But nobody complains so there is a tacit acceptance. When shall we insist on getting the best? Because as Somerset Maugham says: Those who insist on the best normally get it!
It has to be a collective effort.
Best Wishes
PK
skype:pradeepmahesh, http://in.mc947.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=s164gk1@yahoo.com,
my sites
http://sites.google.com/site/pradeepmaheshwaris164gk1del/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
http://sites.google.com/site/gunaspublishing
http://authortree.com/pk/Home
My groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/the-four-mothers/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thisbusinessofliving/
My blogs:
http://pk.posterous.com/
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Being rude
Deliberately Rude.
From those times of the beautiful people when good manners were deliberately studied and cultivated and the populace tried to ape them as far as they could, just to be called gentlemen, we have now reached the other end of the spectrum, where being deliberately rude seems to be “IN”. It is not an isolated phenomenon. You can go to any corner of the world and you are confronted with humans who refuse to recognize your presence and if they do, they do it with obvious displeasure with grunts or expletives that would have been considered vulgar or abusive some 30 years ago.
The question is why. Are they doing it deliberately? Are they just awfully lacking in education? Are they making a statement of sorts?
If they are doing it deliberately then where did they see the need of it in the first place? If they are lacking in education, once they are out in the world, they could easily learn from example of others around them but they don’t. If they are doing it to make a statement, then of course the question is what is it?
It makes me go back to the generation divide question. Every generation announces itself by doing something shocking to make the elder generation take note of their presence and separate identity. I suppose something of the same order is taking place here. The world now belongs to machines and their operators. The middle class with its basic values and education has been edged out. What can we expect?
A deeper study of some instances will make it very obvious.
1) The Girl at the counter of a store today; her job is specific. She has to take the products that you have decided to buy and placed in your basket, pass them over the electronic bar reader and take the money from you. She has no need to know anything about the product or its price of anything at all. The display counter shows the total. Your job is to hand over the cash. All the education the girl needs to be able to count the cash. Every aspect of the thinking and calculating part is done by the machine. Does she need to talk? Not if she does not want to. Just because you have bought an expensive perfume from her store, does not mean she has to be polite to you!
2) The taxi driver; you wave him down. If he stops (Note the “IF”) you get in the car. You give him the address and shut up. When you reach there, if you have the rudimentary education to read the meter, you look at the display and pay with a tip for the favor done to you and quickly get out. Displays of camaraderie and even polite greetings are not in order.
3) I go for lunch in a pretty expensive restaurant which happens to be in a busy part of the town. I finish lunch and wish to linger over a coffee. But the waiter has other ideas. He takes away the plates, removes the tablecloth and brings out a new one, snaps it pat into my face and starts laying down the table again for the next customer. The message was clear.
Things are getting worse. At the petrol pump the trend is toward self service. At the store the passing of money is now limited to swiping cards and if technology has its say, this too will be eventually done from a distance. Deliveries are being made at home. The trend is toward minimum human interaction. Any attempt towards conversation, even the commenting on the weather becomes an infringement of the right to remain aloof. Their privacy and freedom is paramount which includes the right to be stupid and a disturber of the peace. You are allowed only to hear their voice when they are incessantly talking on their cell-phones and forcing you to listen to their inane chatter.
The other day two people were standing quite in the middle of the road with their scooter in between them and have a serious and important talk. From what I could see, they were deliberately showing off their presence. After years on the road, even these morons would know that other vehicles could be passing by and would be dangerous to their health; stopping a bit on the side where there was ample space could not have exerted them overmuch and it would leave the road to the traffic. But no; even with cars whizzing by they were making a great show of being too importantly engrossed. Poor car-owners, they would have to wait their pleasure or squeeze through the little space remaining.
As the story goes I blew on the horn and kept on coming, totally ignoring the scooterists. When they saw that I was not seeing them and might even brush into them, they ran helter-skelter to save themselves and they were mightily shocked. This happened near my house, so they saw me stopping and came over to argue the point. The conversation ran something like this: Scooterists: You don’t care about others. We could have been hurt. Me: So? If you are worried about yourself, why stand in the middle of the road? Scooterists: Even then, will you run people over? Me: Yes. Scooterists: What? You will knowingly run people down (shock in their voices)? Me: Yes. If you are not worried about saving yourselves why should I try to save you?..... This left them gaping and one of them even had the grace to smile. They made faces and buzzed off. I would not advise anyone to take this stance today. It may not be good for your general well being in the present-day wild dispositions.
If the rudeness is more than you can take, stay at home. Use your mobile to order things and limit your outings to five star locations, where for your money they will be polite and even extra-polite and may even tolerate some reasonable amount of your ire.
From those times of the beautiful people when good manners were deliberately studied and cultivated and the populace tried to ape them as far as they could, just to be called gentlemen, we have now reached the other end of the spectrum, where being deliberately rude seems to be “IN”. It is not an isolated phenomenon. You can go to any corner of the world and you are confronted with humans who refuse to recognize your presence and if they do, they do it with obvious displeasure with grunts or expletives that would have been considered vulgar or abusive some 30 years ago.
The question is why. Are they doing it deliberately? Are they just awfully lacking in education? Are they making a statement of sorts?
If they are doing it deliberately then where did they see the need of it in the first place? If they are lacking in education, once they are out in the world, they could easily learn from example of others around them but they don’t. If they are doing it to make a statement, then of course the question is what is it?
It makes me go back to the generation divide question. Every generation announces itself by doing something shocking to make the elder generation take note of their presence and separate identity. I suppose something of the same order is taking place here. The world now belongs to machines and their operators. The middle class with its basic values and education has been edged out. What can we expect?
A deeper study of some instances will make it very obvious.
1) The Girl at the counter of a store today; her job is specific. She has to take the products that you have decided to buy and placed in your basket, pass them over the electronic bar reader and take the money from you. She has no need to know anything about the product or its price of anything at all. The display counter shows the total. Your job is to hand over the cash. All the education the girl needs to be able to count the cash. Every aspect of the thinking and calculating part is done by the machine. Does she need to talk? Not if she does not want to. Just because you have bought an expensive perfume from her store, does not mean she has to be polite to you!
2) The taxi driver; you wave him down. If he stops (Note the “IF”) you get in the car. You give him the address and shut up. When you reach there, if you have the rudimentary education to read the meter, you look at the display and pay with a tip for the favor done to you and quickly get out. Displays of camaraderie and even polite greetings are not in order.
3) I go for lunch in a pretty expensive restaurant which happens to be in a busy part of the town. I finish lunch and wish to linger over a coffee. But the waiter has other ideas. He takes away the plates, removes the tablecloth and brings out a new one, snaps it pat into my face and starts laying down the table again for the next customer. The message was clear.
Things are getting worse. At the petrol pump the trend is toward self service. At the store the passing of money is now limited to swiping cards and if technology has its say, this too will be eventually done from a distance. Deliveries are being made at home. The trend is toward minimum human interaction. Any attempt towards conversation, even the commenting on the weather becomes an infringement of the right to remain aloof. Their privacy and freedom is paramount which includes the right to be stupid and a disturber of the peace. You are allowed only to hear their voice when they are incessantly talking on their cell-phones and forcing you to listen to their inane chatter.
The other day two people were standing quite in the middle of the road with their scooter in between them and have a serious and important talk. From what I could see, they were deliberately showing off their presence. After years on the road, even these morons would know that other vehicles could be passing by and would be dangerous to their health; stopping a bit on the side where there was ample space could not have exerted them overmuch and it would leave the road to the traffic. But no; even with cars whizzing by they were making a great show of being too importantly engrossed. Poor car-owners, they would have to wait their pleasure or squeeze through the little space remaining.
As the story goes I blew on the horn and kept on coming, totally ignoring the scooterists. When they saw that I was not seeing them and might even brush into them, they ran helter-skelter to save themselves and they were mightily shocked. This happened near my house, so they saw me stopping and came over to argue the point. The conversation ran something like this: Scooterists: You don’t care about others. We could have been hurt. Me: So? If you are worried about yourself, why stand in the middle of the road? Scooterists: Even then, will you run people over? Me: Yes. Scooterists: What? You will knowingly run people down (shock in their voices)? Me: Yes. If you are not worried about saving yourselves why should I try to save you?..... This left them gaping and one of them even had the grace to smile. They made faces and buzzed off. I would not advise anyone to take this stance today. It may not be good for your general well being in the present-day wild dispositions.
If the rudeness is more than you can take, stay at home. Use your mobile to order things and limit your outings to five star locations, where for your money they will be polite and even extra-polite and may even tolerate some reasonable amount of your ire.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Mental Interference
Mental Interference.
Do we always receive messages by ear and eyes correctly? Once heard or seen do we then act on them impartially and precisely? My perception is that we do not. We tend to over do the thinking part from our side and we tweak the info a little to suit and fit into our perceptions of things. In the execution it then gets terribly garbled or modified.
Once I was making a miniature indoor rock garden. The handyman of the owner of the house was helping me. I asked for a metal tank of a certain size and specifically gave him the measurements of length, width and height. When the tank arrived it was considerably higher than needed. So I, a little peeved, asked the handyman why he made it higher than what I had asked for. His reply was that the price asked was the same for both so he went for the extra height as he got it free. The thought that there might be a technical or any other reason for the height never came to him. That he was making changes in the specs without understanding the final use of the material did not bother him a little tiny bit. And worst of all: with phones at both ends, he could have easily called me up and get the point cleared but then this one would do only if in doubt. This is not only mental interference but I would add mental arrogance too.
It is this thinking for others that is the bane of working together or living together. Why do we have to show off our intelligence in things that are not ours to worry about? But this is awfully a fact of life and nothing, absolutely no reprimand or orders ever changes the stance. In the most insignificant things we tend to meddle. I can rarely have cup of coffee done my way. I like it very warm but not boiling hot, a little strong but only half a cup at a time and no espresso. This should be a simple thing to obtain in this world one would believe. My experience is to the contrary. I get what I want only when I make it myself. On visits, my requests are simply overridden by my hosts and they offer me coffee the way they like it – normally with too much milk and sugar and boiling hot and in the biggest cup they can to please me!
The other day I sent my boy to buy rechargeable batteries along with a charger and a carry case for my new camera. This chap has been with me since 16 years. I normally give him the back ground of the situation so that he can take proper practical decisions on the spot if required. Then over the last 12 years since he has had the mobile phone, I have been drumming into him not to decide on things he does not understand and all he has to do is to give me a call and leave the decision making to me. So, he goes and gets me the case and the charger but not the batteries. This is very annoying because what I have are normal dry cells. I was to go to a gathering where I wanted to take some pictures and the normal dry cell would not have carried me thru. So I asked him why he had not bought the batteries and his candid reply was that he had seen the batteries so he assumed that I must have made a mistake and did not really need them.
Similarly I can relate umpteen instances. Once when designing the electronics for a washing machine I asked a certain metal plate of a certain thickness to be fitted in a very particular way to avoid the vibrations shaking the relay systems. Then I left the factory in charge of the owner engineer to incorporate the changes. In the afternoon I was rudely woken up from my afternoon siesta by a call that my system is not working at all and in fact it has worsened the situation. So I rushed back to the factory because it is now a matter of my pride and the reliability of my technical know-how at stake. There I soon see that the plate is not of the thickness advised and not fitted as I had instructed. The owner engineer of the project had made changes and then was complaining the most loudly; totally oblivious that he was the reason behind the problems. In this particular case the interference was at every step. He just could not resist interfering and he delayed the project so much that another manufacturer then pipped him at the post by bringing out a machine before he could. Otherwise he would have been the first one and there were six marketing brands running after him to take the machine under their brand which would have been a great win.
This trait is universal and in force in every small act or word in our lives. We should make a concerted attempt to reduce this factor to live happier and better lives.
Do we always receive messages by ear and eyes correctly? Once heard or seen do we then act on them impartially and precisely? My perception is that we do not. We tend to over do the thinking part from our side and we tweak the info a little to suit and fit into our perceptions of things. In the execution it then gets terribly garbled or modified.
Once I was making a miniature indoor rock garden. The handyman of the owner of the house was helping me. I asked for a metal tank of a certain size and specifically gave him the measurements of length, width and height. When the tank arrived it was considerably higher than needed. So I, a little peeved, asked the handyman why he made it higher than what I had asked for. His reply was that the price asked was the same for both so he went for the extra height as he got it free. The thought that there might be a technical or any other reason for the height never came to him. That he was making changes in the specs without understanding the final use of the material did not bother him a little tiny bit. And worst of all: with phones at both ends, he could have easily called me up and get the point cleared but then this one would do only if in doubt. This is not only mental interference but I would add mental arrogance too.
It is this thinking for others that is the bane of working together or living together. Why do we have to show off our intelligence in things that are not ours to worry about? But this is awfully a fact of life and nothing, absolutely no reprimand or orders ever changes the stance. In the most insignificant things we tend to meddle. I can rarely have cup of coffee done my way. I like it very warm but not boiling hot, a little strong but only half a cup at a time and no espresso. This should be a simple thing to obtain in this world one would believe. My experience is to the contrary. I get what I want only when I make it myself. On visits, my requests are simply overridden by my hosts and they offer me coffee the way they like it – normally with too much milk and sugar and boiling hot and in the biggest cup they can to please me!
The other day I sent my boy to buy rechargeable batteries along with a charger and a carry case for my new camera. This chap has been with me since 16 years. I normally give him the back ground of the situation so that he can take proper practical decisions on the spot if required. Then over the last 12 years since he has had the mobile phone, I have been drumming into him not to decide on things he does not understand and all he has to do is to give me a call and leave the decision making to me. So, he goes and gets me the case and the charger but not the batteries. This is very annoying because what I have are normal dry cells. I was to go to a gathering where I wanted to take some pictures and the normal dry cell would not have carried me thru. So I asked him why he had not bought the batteries and his candid reply was that he had seen the batteries so he assumed that I must have made a mistake and did not really need them.
Similarly I can relate umpteen instances. Once when designing the electronics for a washing machine I asked a certain metal plate of a certain thickness to be fitted in a very particular way to avoid the vibrations shaking the relay systems. Then I left the factory in charge of the owner engineer to incorporate the changes. In the afternoon I was rudely woken up from my afternoon siesta by a call that my system is not working at all and in fact it has worsened the situation. So I rushed back to the factory because it is now a matter of my pride and the reliability of my technical know-how at stake. There I soon see that the plate is not of the thickness advised and not fitted as I had instructed. The owner engineer of the project had made changes and then was complaining the most loudly; totally oblivious that he was the reason behind the problems. In this particular case the interference was at every step. He just could not resist interfering and he delayed the project so much that another manufacturer then pipped him at the post by bringing out a machine before he could. Otherwise he would have been the first one and there were six marketing brands running after him to take the machine under their brand which would have been a great win.
This trait is universal and in force in every small act or word in our lives. We should make a concerted attempt to reduce this factor to live happier and better lives.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The WHYs
The WHYs behind the whys.
I read recently that people from lesser privileged backgrounds like the ghettos, jhuggi- jhopdis etc are more prone to violence than others from better & cleaner environments; the operative word being “cleaner, more attractive, well organized and kept and maintained surroundings.
Here is a piece of news that we should all be sitting up and taking note of. There are so many similar related traits that I have pondered on and analyzed. How we carry the environments like a metal plated coat on our shoulders is not always appreciated although to my eyes is plainly obvious. Understanding of this phenomenon would help HR and our own relationships both personal and professional.
Now the question – “why”. Why do they behave this way?
Let’s try and understand these actions more in the spirit of starting a discussion than deep psychological unraveling to prove anything. Let me take up a few:
There is all the open space on the road. But the other guy still does not find enough space and bumps into you.
This is the way they feel comfortable and justify their individuality.
These unfortunate people have known only cramped surroundings that accord them no pride or individuality with little or no space of their own. They have never been alone. Living in cramped and often dirty surroundings with no respite in sight and with an underlying subconscious thought that life has dealt them a miserable hand.
There is a lot of empty space to park the car but the guy still double parks and blocks the road for everybody.
Self importance makes them want to be seen always in a hurry. They take the shortest rout from one point to another, even overtake at curves and from the left or go over the other half of the road; so importantly they have to park right opposite the gate and subconsciously the only way they can attract attention is by being a bit of nuisance.
There is a Q at the milk booth but he still tries to push his hand over others to be served first.
He is supremely comfortable in his own persona. Nobody else exists. He does not see anyone else. I was at the booth and this young lad came and tried to go over everybody, specially a small servant girl. I stopped him and told him flatly that he shall have to wait his turn; his answered saying that he did not see the girl. They live so much in a world where they are the single most important person that they automatically become blind to everyone else. Then cheating is part of life; is it not?
He sees the well kept courtyard and the first thing he does is spit in front of the front door before entering.
The poor guy is really showing off his good manners; that before entering the house he was clearing his throat and all. It is not his fault that he has never known a clean “front” as part of one’s image. The street where he lives is the principal common drain too of the locality. A beautiful front as part of character of the home is too far away from his conception of things. He has only learnt to see his smashing handsome self in the mirror and he is very impressed by his image.
The whole sleeping compartment is asleep in the train and two people wake up in the morning and start talking and guffawing.
In their common life nobody has ever respected their privacy. The concept simply does not exist in their personas. They have known dirt, neglect and are acutely aware that for a few minutes of romp their parents have endowed them a life-time of misery. If they manage to get out of their abject surroundings, they have to let the world know it and it never occurred to them that what they are so loudly announcing to the world is not of interest to anybody or very commonplace too..
He can very well talk inside his house which is big enough and everything but still he prefers to come out on the balcony and regale everybody with his important conversation; loud enough to be heard three houses away.
He has risen in the world. How else shall he show it? In his childhood the family was scrounging with 400 rupees a month. Now he is making 40 thousand or more. It is cause for blowing the trumpet. The problems arise more when in today’s world you are raised and brought in one environment and then cash availability technically raises your level of social center but the habits acquired earlier and the concepts ingrained in early days do not go away and more often than not are not even understood or realized.
I read recently that people from lesser privileged backgrounds like the ghettos, jhuggi- jhopdis etc are more prone to violence than others from better & cleaner environments; the operative word being “cleaner, more attractive, well organized and kept and maintained surroundings.
Here is a piece of news that we should all be sitting up and taking note of. There are so many similar related traits that I have pondered on and analyzed. How we carry the environments like a metal plated coat on our shoulders is not always appreciated although to my eyes is plainly obvious. Understanding of this phenomenon would help HR and our own relationships both personal and professional.
Now the question – “why”. Why do they behave this way?
Let’s try and understand these actions more in the spirit of starting a discussion than deep psychological unraveling to prove anything. Let me take up a few:
There is all the open space on the road. But the other guy still does not find enough space and bumps into you.
This is the way they feel comfortable and justify their individuality.
These unfortunate people have known only cramped surroundings that accord them no pride or individuality with little or no space of their own. They have never been alone. Living in cramped and often dirty surroundings with no respite in sight and with an underlying subconscious thought that life has dealt them a miserable hand.
There is a lot of empty space to park the car but the guy still double parks and blocks the road for everybody.
Self importance makes them want to be seen always in a hurry. They take the shortest rout from one point to another, even overtake at curves and from the left or go over the other half of the road; so importantly they have to park right opposite the gate and subconsciously the only way they can attract attention is by being a bit of nuisance.
There is a Q at the milk booth but he still tries to push his hand over others to be served first.
He is supremely comfortable in his own persona. Nobody else exists. He does not see anyone else. I was at the booth and this young lad came and tried to go over everybody, specially a small servant girl. I stopped him and told him flatly that he shall have to wait his turn; his answered saying that he did not see the girl. They live so much in a world where they are the single most important person that they automatically become blind to everyone else. Then cheating is part of life; is it not?
He sees the well kept courtyard and the first thing he does is spit in front of the front door before entering.
The poor guy is really showing off his good manners; that before entering the house he was clearing his throat and all. It is not his fault that he has never known a clean “front” as part of one’s image. The street where he lives is the principal common drain too of the locality. A beautiful front as part of character of the home is too far away from his conception of things. He has only learnt to see his smashing handsome self in the mirror and he is very impressed by his image.
The whole sleeping compartment is asleep in the train and two people wake up in the morning and start talking and guffawing.
In their common life nobody has ever respected their privacy. The concept simply does not exist in their personas. They have known dirt, neglect and are acutely aware that for a few minutes of romp their parents have endowed them a life-time of misery. If they manage to get out of their abject surroundings, they have to let the world know it and it never occurred to them that what they are so loudly announcing to the world is not of interest to anybody or very commonplace too..
He can very well talk inside his house which is big enough and everything but still he prefers to come out on the balcony and regale everybody with his important conversation; loud enough to be heard three houses away.
He has risen in the world. How else shall he show it? In his childhood the family was scrounging with 400 rupees a month. Now he is making 40 thousand or more. It is cause for blowing the trumpet. The problems arise more when in today’s world you are raised and brought in one environment and then cash availability technically raises your level of social center but the habits acquired earlier and the concepts ingrained in early days do not go away and more often than not are not even understood or realized.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Engaged and busy
Engaged and Busy.
The title may seem as if I am going to talk about being professionally busy or posing as such. No; I have another story this time. These are the two words I hear very often nowadays and I am prompted to talk about some of the incidences that I have experienced. Now let’s see how shall bring up the subject?
I have what can be called by ordinary world’s standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when people are planning retirements and wish for quiet and I went and had a child who is now three and a half years old. So I have a bouncing child on my hands. My job is to be with her all day and play with her and feed and clothe and look after all her every other need. It is a full time, 24hours job. I wonder if people around me can see the effort I have put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes and has completely annihilated my sleeping and any thing other schedule. But I have enjoyed every minute of the last three and a half years. I suppose there have been annoying moments when I lost my cool because my needs were pitted against that of the little imp and there is no discussing the matter with her. But her smile and embrace and joy at seeing me override everything.
So you get the picture? Now let me give you another one or two.
Picture one:
I am out playing with my child in the neighborhood park. It is chilly winter days so many of the citizens are also present, sunning themselves. Here is a friend who sees us and the conversation goes like this:
Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?
ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be obvious but then we tend to clarify so often the obvious)
Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to play. (Again another obvious fact; don’t I know it! I don’t believe in servants raising up children. My philosophy is simple: either you should not go and have a child or go the whole hog and raise the child yourself properly)
ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is trying to make conversation but I have nothing to say really).
Friend: This is good you know. At least it keeps you engaged and occupied (now this bugs me. He has retired. He has no interests, no work to worry about and of course he sees the world though these conditioned lenses in his eyes at my age I would be in the same boat. What he does not see is that I love my child and love being with her. It is the only joy I have known. Going out to play is not a chore but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all know that I have multiple interests and that with my small business and hobbies I am actually hard pressed for time and the energy to carry my objectives through. Yet I have been hearing the same comments very often from many many people over the past three years.)
ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say but to smile and move on)
Picture two:
The other day one of my elder cousin sisters passed by and she is a “somebody”. She has a Doctorate and has been a lecturer etc. She really takes herself rather seriously. We meet rarely. This time we met after four years. The truth is she did not come to see me; she thinks I am a wastrel. She had come to see my mother. But I had to keep the formalities alive so I came out for a moment from my cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the conversation unrolled:
Sister: So how are you and how do you keep yourself busy? (I know the question does not need an answer and even if I did there would a negative analysis following it. So I keep my cool).
ME: Fine. I now have a full time job (I try to keep my tone jocular and hope the conversation would end there. But no; these elderly sisters have always something more to say.)
Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind engaged. (The trigger has been pressed and I am annoyed but then I decide to play cool)
ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?
Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.
ME: Ha ,Ha.
What I wish to know is this need of everybody to explain everything to me. All I have to do is make a statement and the person will start analyzing my motives and reasons let me know so. It could be that they themselves are thinking aloud but it is definitely annoying and conversation stopper to my way of thinking.
Do you have anything to say?
The title may seem as if I am going to talk about being professionally busy or posing as such. No; I have another story this time. These are the two words I hear very often nowadays and I am prompted to talk about some of the incidences that I have experienced. Now let’s see how shall bring up the subject?
I have what can be called by ordinary world’s standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when people are planning retirements and wish for quiet and I went and had a child who is now three and a half years old. So I have a bouncing child on my hands. My job is to be with her all day and play with her and feed and clothe and look after all her every other need. It is a full time, 24hours job. I wonder if people around me can see the effort I have put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes and has completely annihilated my sleeping and any thing other schedule. But I have enjoyed every minute of the last three and a half years. I suppose there have been annoying moments when I lost my cool because my needs were pitted against that of the little imp and there is no discussing the matter with her. But her smile and embrace and joy at seeing me override everything.
So you get the picture? Now let me give you another one or two.
Picture one:
I am out playing with my child in the neighborhood park. It is chilly winter days so many of the citizens are also present, sunning themselves. Here is a friend who sees us and the conversation goes like this:
Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?
ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be obvious but then we tend to clarify so often the obvious)
Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to play. (Again another obvious fact; don’t I know it! I don’t believe in servants raising up children. My philosophy is simple: either you should not go and have a child or go the whole hog and raise the child yourself properly)
ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is trying to make conversation but I have nothing to say really).
Friend: This is good you know. At least it keeps you engaged and occupied (now this bugs me. He has retired. He has no interests, no work to worry about and of course he sees the world though these conditioned lenses in his eyes at my age I would be in the same boat. What he does not see is that I love my child and love being with her. It is the only joy I have known. Going out to play is not a chore but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all know that I have multiple interests and that with my small business and hobbies I am actually hard pressed for time and the energy to carry my objectives through. Yet I have been hearing the same comments very often from many many people over the past three years.)
ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say but to smile and move on)
Picture two:
The other day one of my elder cousin sisters passed by and she is a “somebody”. She has a Doctorate and has been a lecturer etc. She really takes herself rather seriously. We meet rarely. This time we met after four years. The truth is she did not come to see me; she thinks I am a wastrel. She had come to see my mother. But I had to keep the formalities alive so I came out for a moment from my cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the conversation unrolled:
Sister: So how are you and how do you keep yourself busy? (I know the question does not need an answer and even if I did there would a negative analysis following it. So I keep my cool).
ME: Fine. I now have a full time job (I try to keep my tone jocular and hope the conversation would end there. But no; these elderly sisters have always something more to say.)
Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind engaged. (The trigger has been pressed and I am annoyed but then I decide to play cool)
ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?
Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.
ME: Ha ,Ha.
What I wish to know is this need of everybody to explain everything to me. All I have to do is make a statement and the person will start analyzing my motives and reasons let me know so. It could be that they themselves are thinking aloud but it is definitely annoying and conversation stopper to my way of thinking.
Do you have anything to say?
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