THE CASE FOR MORE HOLIDAYS.
The Indian is not a hard worker. He will never work himself to the bone. The concept of the nose-to-the-grinding-wheel is terribly alien to him. He believes in fate, luck and even though everything boils down to karma, he conveniently overlooks the point of his own effort.
Cleverness is the hallmark; not intelligence. We prepare our kids well for this. The parents do everything for him so the idea that he can take control of his life never even vaguely passes him by. Then at school the teachers want to him to learn by rote and never ask a question which is simply seen as an argumentative disposition. The Govt then stepped in and gave him a protective Big brother embrace with a secure job and no responsibility. To this cauldron add the tendency to cheat on the side which makes us very amenable to reason when requested with a packet under the table.
The Authorities continue to believe in the inscrutability of the Indian’s honesty; especially when he becomes an employee of the President of India. In contrast the rest of the population remains a lot of incurable scoundrels, selling the country down the river.
Everyday, a show is put on by millions of Indians of going to their workplaces, and doing their little bit to take the country forward. Tonnes of fuel are used up in vehicles to transport these zealous workers to the workplace and back resulting in pollution, sickness from fatigue, accidents, medical bills, and at the office - inflated telephone bills, electricity bills and so on so forth. And what have we to show for all this? – A totally disgruntled “praja”, with curses from both sides of the table. The Praja, wanting the President’s employee to do his part whereas the employee revolts on this attempt to curtail his constitutional right of freedom from work’s tyranny.
We want a happy country; right? Why not have more holidays? All the excesses mentioned in the last para will take on a positive note. The exchequer will save millions, thousands of liters of fuels will be saved, pollution will be drastically reduced, there will be less sickness and the pressures on the medical services will more than half, there will be electricity in excess and water also. In one go, we will enter a period of plenty. The work will still be done as it is done with considerations under the table being negotiated in the cafes, restaurants and homes. The stress levels will plane out. There will be less strife and the courts will see fewer quarrels to deal with.
The economy will not suffer. The same amount of money will be floating and doing the rounds changing hands in the market place. I see an exponential growth in trading and therefore manufacturing and therefore in the gross national product and therefore in the per capita income and therefore in the collected taxes. I would even go to the limit and suggest that we work only on Mon, Tue, Thu and Fridays. Our present productivity levels are really not any higher anyway. With lesser interference from the administrative idiots, there will be less of impinging on the rights of the common man to lead his simple life. And, of course smiling faces will replace the care-worn ones of today.
.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Fear of rejection
Fear of rejection
The way I would approach this subject is by analyzing the two words first. Why are we afraid at all? It is the opposite of courage. So you have had the gumption to attempt something; this is very fine; rather you should be proud to have stepped outside the comfort zone. And if you are afraid, then it means that a wish is attached to the action. Is that true?
Life comes in two hues; Black and white and hundreds of shades in between and then there all the colors and millions of combinations and shades of these colors. Did you really expect that life would be one roller coaster ride where all you have to do is wish and your fairy Godmother would make it come true? This is awfully unrealistic and terribly childish.
Let us examine this subject from a realistic point of view with some not so hypothetical instances to illustrate the point. A highly learned teacher with a lot of experience goes to a school for a job for which he is more than qualified. But the job goes to a younger lady. The poor man can take this as a rejection and also as a confirmation of the moving ahead of the wheel of life. In the game of life and the truth behind this incident, there is the fact that the school is a business. The administration wants younger people to work hard and daylong. Then as children are involved, there is this notion that ladies are kinder and softer in their approaches; which may or not be true but it is real fact that we have to live with. Then as the teacher need is for classes well below the qualifications offered by the learned teacher, he is not really required. So the great expert is not given the job. Does this qualify as rejection? No, not at all. It is just the quirks of life at play. There are more than a couple of factors at play in life. The more qualified teacher should not take this personally and not bring his vanity into play. Rather, he should take this as an eye-opener and look for greener pastures and I would add improve himself for a greater destiny.
Lately a little downturn in the economy has prompted many companies to downsize with many people suddenly finding them selves back to square one. They can’t take this personally. It is definitely depressing and the future with all the commitments at stake is in jeopardy; at least as was visualized. But then life does not move in a straight line. The fear if any is surely from the fact that certain financial commitments had been put into place and now the lack of an income would destabilize the entire thing. In all simplicity I presume to ask, did you plan for not having a job? Let us say you bought a car on loan which you had planned to pay for as you went along and now this retrenchment falls like a block of bricks on your head. The fear is that either you will have to return the car and lose all the money already paid for or pay for it from your reserves if any. The running of the car is also an expensive proposition. Also here is the image problem. What will everyone think? Now let us speak in realistic terms: Your plans for your life were unrealistic. You were spending money which you had not. You were aiming for things that were not yours as yet by right. And the fear of being ridiculed is purely vanity at work.
There is additionally a positive side to fear. If we are not comfortable with things as they are, we strive to change. We make efforts to upgrade our abilities and think creatively and explore many other possibilities which we would have not done otherwise. This results in an educative process which benefits us greatly and will stand by us more than anything else in the world in times of crisis.
In relationships “Fear” takes a slightly different coloring although the shapes being colored are the same. Our vanity asks us to modulate our behavior and we then present ourselves to the liking of others and their appreciation. In our zeal to impress we present a very false persona. We are being untrue; to ourselves and to the other. Sooner or later, the other person will see thru the machinations. And if the other is a wizened, experienced person, he will see it immediately. This is manipulation which can never have a good ending; we bluff, huff and puff and blow our own house down. If we get hurt in the process, we alone are totally to blame. In relationships, if we were truer, honest and candid, we would not pose nor compromise our feelings at every step. We would have the courage to say NO when we want to and only YES when we really mean it. We would also pay attention and listen to the other, especially when the other is trying to say NO.
In the final analysis there is nothing to fear but to strive is. You are you and you should take yourself positively but with a pinch of salt. The anxieties and pain come from the ‘wants” we impose on ourselves with finicky attitudes so all we need to do is de-complicate our lives.
The way I would approach this subject is by analyzing the two words first. Why are we afraid at all? It is the opposite of courage. So you have had the gumption to attempt something; this is very fine; rather you should be proud to have stepped outside the comfort zone. And if you are afraid, then it means that a wish is attached to the action. Is that true?
Life comes in two hues; Black and white and hundreds of shades in between and then there all the colors and millions of combinations and shades of these colors. Did you really expect that life would be one roller coaster ride where all you have to do is wish and your fairy Godmother would make it come true? This is awfully unrealistic and terribly childish.
Let us examine this subject from a realistic point of view with some not so hypothetical instances to illustrate the point. A highly learned teacher with a lot of experience goes to a school for a job for which he is more than qualified. But the job goes to a younger lady. The poor man can take this as a rejection and also as a confirmation of the moving ahead of the wheel of life. In the game of life and the truth behind this incident, there is the fact that the school is a business. The administration wants younger people to work hard and daylong. Then as children are involved, there is this notion that ladies are kinder and softer in their approaches; which may or not be true but it is real fact that we have to live with. Then as the teacher need is for classes well below the qualifications offered by the learned teacher, he is not really required. So the great expert is not given the job. Does this qualify as rejection? No, not at all. It is just the quirks of life at play. There are more than a couple of factors at play in life. The more qualified teacher should not take this personally and not bring his vanity into play. Rather, he should take this as an eye-opener and look for greener pastures and I would add improve himself for a greater destiny.
Lately a little downturn in the economy has prompted many companies to downsize with many people suddenly finding them selves back to square one. They can’t take this personally. It is definitely depressing and the future with all the commitments at stake is in jeopardy; at least as was visualized. But then life does not move in a straight line. The fear if any is surely from the fact that certain financial commitments had been put into place and now the lack of an income would destabilize the entire thing. In all simplicity I presume to ask, did you plan for not having a job? Let us say you bought a car on loan which you had planned to pay for as you went along and now this retrenchment falls like a block of bricks on your head. The fear is that either you will have to return the car and lose all the money already paid for or pay for it from your reserves if any. The running of the car is also an expensive proposition. Also here is the image problem. What will everyone think? Now let us speak in realistic terms: Your plans for your life were unrealistic. You were spending money which you had not. You were aiming for things that were not yours as yet by right. And the fear of being ridiculed is purely vanity at work.
There is additionally a positive side to fear. If we are not comfortable with things as they are, we strive to change. We make efforts to upgrade our abilities and think creatively and explore many other possibilities which we would have not done otherwise. This results in an educative process which benefits us greatly and will stand by us more than anything else in the world in times of crisis.
In relationships “Fear” takes a slightly different coloring although the shapes being colored are the same. Our vanity asks us to modulate our behavior and we then present ourselves to the liking of others and their appreciation. In our zeal to impress we present a very false persona. We are being untrue; to ourselves and to the other. Sooner or later, the other person will see thru the machinations. And if the other is a wizened, experienced person, he will see it immediately. This is manipulation which can never have a good ending; we bluff, huff and puff and blow our own house down. If we get hurt in the process, we alone are totally to blame. In relationships, if we were truer, honest and candid, we would not pose nor compromise our feelings at every step. We would have the courage to say NO when we want to and only YES when we really mean it. We would also pay attention and listen to the other, especially when the other is trying to say NO.
In the final analysis there is nothing to fear but to strive is. You are you and you should take yourself positively but with a pinch of salt. The anxieties and pain come from the ‘wants” we impose on ourselves with finicky attitudes so all we need to do is de-complicate our lives.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Taking notes
Taking Notes.
Some reflections have been heavy on my mind lately. With the information-overload and the speed now available to us, this question has taken a serious importance. Some time ago I was reading some Zen writings and one thing that was made clear is the nature of the human mind as a collector. We love to collect things, data, memories and brick-bats. A student asked me why we should not read all that comes to hand and this is what I responded with: The human mind at its present level of development is a collector. It collects data for data's sake. It also feels very knowledgeable and can spout quotes and passages on every subject and considers itself wise. To himself he is awesome and often wonders why others cannot see it this way. Often the ego over inflates and all further seeking stops. The mind takes the mantle of teacher and guide and wherever possible will “control” all around it. But then all this focus on statistical info, data of all sorts, end in attempt to codify and arrange it all in a reasonable pattern; and this blocks it. So read as much as you can but do not end up focusing more on your collection of books than learning from them.
Then this morning I read this quote by Chuck Palahniuk which took my breath away as it confirmed my own reading of making the most of this life given to us: “ The best way to waste your life……is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate.”
I remember something like The Mother of Pondicherry saying that one should act first and think later. In strict opposition the world advises to think before leaping and serious reflection etc. So here was a contradiction in terms. Why are people spending so much time in planning then? Later it became clear. In plans and projects on the worldly plane planning is necessary for correct implementation. The decision taking part is where this reflection comes in; if we reflect too much, then we may never do it. The same applies in personal lives. If we think, plan and debate too long we may end up not doing anything at all. At the spiritual level where I suppose the advice of The Mother is really valid, we then avoid the experience which will bring us wisdom and enlightenment.
There is an age in our lives when we do want to learn and better ourselves. We read, collect quotes and books which go into the drawer/folders and on shelves and never see the light again. We then get busy with our lives, families and other things. Then age begins to catch up. Our collections grow waiting for the right time and free time to catch up with all this. Rarely if at all the time ever comes. The truth then hits us; either we do it now or forget it – the moment is lost forever. What is not put into practice is dead info.
Coming back to the material plane and our day to day existence, tons of goods are lying in stores in homes and offices. Deemed useful and needed at a particular time but later left to rot in a dusty corner; all but forgotten; and what about the people? Most of them are happy with their own selves. Just go behind the words and see things from a higher perspective and you will see that most of them are putting up a worked-up facade to be seen as knowledgeable and virtuous. I firmly believe that when there is not a "live" question, the answers have no meaning. If you see and compare the result of the work of the amount of pragmatic thoughts, guidance and philosophy that is available and being made available thru media of all kinds, one does tend to wonder for a second if it is changing their thinking and acting patterns? Are they applying any of it in their actions and lives? I do not believe they do. Wake-up calls are taken only when a crisis develops.
Thanks & Regards
PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
Some reflections have been heavy on my mind lately. With the information-overload and the speed now available to us, this question has taken a serious importance. Some time ago I was reading some Zen writings and one thing that was made clear is the nature of the human mind as a collector. We love to collect things, data, memories and brick-bats. A student asked me why we should not read all that comes to hand and this is what I responded with: The human mind at its present level of development is a collector. It collects data for data's sake. It also feels very knowledgeable and can spout quotes and passages on every subject and considers itself wise. To himself he is awesome and often wonders why others cannot see it this way. Often the ego over inflates and all further seeking stops. The mind takes the mantle of teacher and guide and wherever possible will “control” all around it. But then all this focus on statistical info, data of all sorts, end in attempt to codify and arrange it all in a reasonable pattern; and this blocks it. So read as much as you can but do not end up focusing more on your collection of books than learning from them.
Then this morning I read this quote by Chuck Palahniuk which took my breath away as it confirmed my own reading of making the most of this life given to us: “ The best way to waste your life……is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate.”
I remember something like The Mother of Pondicherry saying that one should act first and think later. In strict opposition the world advises to think before leaping and serious reflection etc. So here was a contradiction in terms. Why are people spending so much time in planning then? Later it became clear. In plans and projects on the worldly plane planning is necessary for correct implementation. The decision taking part is where this reflection comes in; if we reflect too much, then we may never do it. The same applies in personal lives. If we think, plan and debate too long we may end up not doing anything at all. At the spiritual level where I suppose the advice of The Mother is really valid, we then avoid the experience which will bring us wisdom and enlightenment.
There is an age in our lives when we do want to learn and better ourselves. We read, collect quotes and books which go into the drawer/folders and on shelves and never see the light again. We then get busy with our lives, families and other things. Then age begins to catch up. Our collections grow waiting for the right time and free time to catch up with all this. Rarely if at all the time ever comes. The truth then hits us; either we do it now or forget it – the moment is lost forever. What is not put into practice is dead info.
Coming back to the material plane and our day to day existence, tons of goods are lying in stores in homes and offices. Deemed useful and needed at a particular time but later left to rot in a dusty corner; all but forgotten; and what about the people? Most of them are happy with their own selves. Just go behind the words and see things from a higher perspective and you will see that most of them are putting up a worked-up facade to be seen as knowledgeable and virtuous. I firmly believe that when there is not a "live" question, the answers have no meaning. If you see and compare the result of the work of the amount of pragmatic thoughts, guidance and philosophy that is available and being made available thru media of all kinds, one does tend to wonder for a second if it is changing their thinking and acting patterns? Are they applying any of it in their actions and lives? I do not believe they do. Wake-up calls are taken only when a crisis develops.
Thanks & Regards
PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Resolved
Resolved, Signed and Sealed.
Let us see; are we going to take the coming of the New Year as an excuse for revelry or while we have drunk ourselves to the ground we might even take on the onerous task of some introspection which should result in some resolutions to be made. I fear that the resolve to stick to resolutions lasts only up to the second drink. But this is not going to stop every individual who takes the coming of the New Year seriously to make definite resolves, sign it and seal it as a document of great import and intent.
It is another thing that the document maybe trashed in the very first week of the year. Then why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically insincere?
Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it. Look at it with a little compassion and understanding. This is the only time of the year that I get the opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-control. This is the time for fun and one takes what one can. And if to impress her I have to announce some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming to check on me anyway?
Talking about insincerity, I must really take offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a responsible person. I take my job, family and other responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with all the stress all these people create around me. My bosses are screaming for things to be done yesterday and the whole office is under the impression that I am slacker. When I reach home the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I understand that taking care of all the household chores and the three kids can fray the nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in the moolah and go thru the squeezer without complaining so why is she nagging? The whole problem in this life is the lack of understanding I have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh How I wish there was a way around all this? I did spend three nights at the hospital with our son did I not? Does that not count for anything?
Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So after weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke or even a chota peg, am I out of line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss won’t understand the problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ them or choose them but I have to get work out of them. I shout and push but these people are so mule like. God; life is unfair.
Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good farewell party to the year has been organized at the office. After all it is considered auspicious to ring in the New Year on a happy note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey being pushed under my nose, but then this is just once a year and one should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?
Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking, drinking even the occasional type, keep a more reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I will definitely get into the meditation circle in the office and try to see things from a calmer perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop honking and try to overtake me at every bend I could think things over more deeply!! God..this cellphone….am I never to know peace from this infernal instrument.
And then; why focus on my resolutions and change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?
Let us see; are we going to take the coming of the New Year as an excuse for revelry or while we have drunk ourselves to the ground we might even take on the onerous task of some introspection which should result in some resolutions to be made. I fear that the resolve to stick to resolutions lasts only up to the second drink. But this is not going to stop every individual who takes the coming of the New Year seriously to make definite resolves, sign it and seal it as a document of great import and intent.
It is another thing that the document maybe trashed in the very first week of the year. Then why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically insincere?
Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it. Look at it with a little compassion and understanding. This is the only time of the year that I get the opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-control. This is the time for fun and one takes what one can. And if to impress her I have to announce some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming to check on me anyway?
Talking about insincerity, I must really take offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a responsible person. I take my job, family and other responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with all the stress all these people create around me. My bosses are screaming for things to be done yesterday and the whole office is under the impression that I am slacker. When I reach home the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I understand that taking care of all the household chores and the three kids can fray the nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in the moolah and go thru the squeezer without complaining so why is she nagging? The whole problem in this life is the lack of understanding I have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh How I wish there was a way around all this? I did spend three nights at the hospital with our son did I not? Does that not count for anything?
Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So after weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke or even a chota peg, am I out of line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss won’t understand the problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ them or choose them but I have to get work out of them. I shout and push but these people are so mule like. God; life is unfair.
Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good farewell party to the year has been organized at the office. After all it is considered auspicious to ring in the New Year on a happy note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey being pushed under my nose, but then this is just once a year and one should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?
Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking, drinking even the occasional type, keep a more reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I will definitely get into the meditation circle in the office and try to see things from a calmer perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop honking and try to overtake me at every bend I could think things over more deeply!! God..this cellphone….am I never to know peace from this infernal instrument.
And then; why focus on my resolutions and change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Love and contradiction
Contradicting Lovingly
When I was young, in college and still sorting out the everyday contradictions in terms of human relationships, one of the features of my life was to understand the attitude of my parents towards me. From one angle it was clear that I was precious to them and from another angle, they seem to take me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was supposed to do them proud by coming up to some standards that were never clearly defined while at the same time I was not supposed to show any initiative and do what I was told. On this point the directions were clear: as if the parents were saying “We are here and know what is best for you. We are doing the thinking for you, all that is needed will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if they had never bargained for the child to grow and assert some of his own personality.
When this time did come, it changed into a period of confrontation. It became a competition between two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in their ways, afraid of change and the other experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me the right honest answers either.
Then one day I went to somebody’s house and there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky looking man shouting at an obviously younger child: “The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal in its character, is floating around then certainly this attitude of my parents which was puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little more close observation of all the parents around me, backed by reading The Reader’s Digest made the answers come tumbling into my life.
Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to see how much this tendency to negate and contradict permeates life in general. As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is growing into an adult and the parents are not grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t want him to act at all, as if this way they can protect him from all adversity. The child on the other hand begins first by seething inside and then hiding his true self and living a double life; so to say. The parents get more and more strongly into the denying and the child starts even more vehemently saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid that his life will be taken over and therefore learns to say No to everything. His relationships are all difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional, amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character then gets passed on from generation to generation.
Look around closely. How often do you see people agreeing and accepting each other and in comparison how often we are crossing each other out?
I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on seeing my attempts was that I being a child should try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset him and finally got what I wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many years later, I painted a canvas which before even it was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room. This was appreciation of a high order.
Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good luck to grow into an adult far away from the restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an international exposure and had teachers who were always listening and ready to help me find the answers to MY questions; without the bias of social norms restricting our exchanges.
Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted so much to converse and share my life with him. But he would not accept me as anything but his child who should in all good sense let him run his life. He never outgrew my childhood and this contradiction always showed in his behavior.
Thanks & Regards PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
When I was young, in college and still sorting out the everyday contradictions in terms of human relationships, one of the features of my life was to understand the attitude of my parents towards me. From one angle it was clear that I was precious to them and from another angle, they seem to take me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was supposed to do them proud by coming up to some standards that were never clearly defined while at the same time I was not supposed to show any initiative and do what I was told. On this point the directions were clear: as if the parents were saying “We are here and know what is best for you. We are doing the thinking for you, all that is needed will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if they had never bargained for the child to grow and assert some of his own personality.
When this time did come, it changed into a period of confrontation. It became a competition between two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in their ways, afraid of change and the other experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me the right honest answers either.
Then one day I went to somebody’s house and there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky looking man shouting at an obviously younger child: “The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal in its character, is floating around then certainly this attitude of my parents which was puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little more close observation of all the parents around me, backed by reading The Reader’s Digest made the answers come tumbling into my life.
Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to see how much this tendency to negate and contradict permeates life in general. As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is growing into an adult and the parents are not grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t want him to act at all, as if this way they can protect him from all adversity. The child on the other hand begins first by seething inside and then hiding his true self and living a double life; so to say. The parents get more and more strongly into the denying and the child starts even more vehemently saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid that his life will be taken over and therefore learns to say No to everything. His relationships are all difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional, amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character then gets passed on from generation to generation.
Look around closely. How often do you see people agreeing and accepting each other and in comparison how often we are crossing each other out?
I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on seeing my attempts was that I being a child should try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset him and finally got what I wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many years later, I painted a canvas which before even it was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room. This was appreciation of a high order.
Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good luck to grow into an adult far away from the restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an international exposure and had teachers who were always listening and ready to help me find the answers to MY questions; without the bias of social norms restricting our exchanges.
Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted so much to converse and share my life with him. But he would not accept me as anything but his child who should in all good sense let him run his life. He never outgrew my childhood and this contradiction always showed in his behavior.
Thanks & Regards PK
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