Fair and Square
My daughter and I were watching Noddy on the TV. All toy town people had just collected a bagful of berries and the toy-town baddies had sneaked around and stolen them. Noddy and the policeman Mr. Plod were after them. Finally they catch up with the baddies. Noddy shouts at them to return the berries. The baddies shout back that they will not only not return the berries but Noddy can’t make them give it back; then, they had stolen the berries “fair & square” and therefore the berries now belonged to them by right.
What beautiful logic! I was amused to see the resemblance to real life in this conversation. I go to the park with my child everyday and allow other children to play with the ball I carry with me. So the ball is either in play with some kid or the other or just lying there somewhere. Some time ago an old lady picked it up and kept it in her lap. I was watching her but did not say anything; later when it was time to go home I went to her and asked for the ball. She wasn’t very keen to return it thinking of it as an abandoned ball. I had to explain to her that I let other kids play but it was mine. She did give it back but not happily. Then some days ago when I was not looking, somebody took it away and I have not seen it since.
Now what was I to think? Why are we so keen to appropriate goods not belonging to us even if it is abandoned? You remember the story of the lamb drinking water at a stream and the wolf comes to him and says that he was dirtying the water for him. But the water is flowing downstream to me says the lamb. Oh that does not matter says the wolf; I am going to eat you anyway. “Any excuse will do”.
How easily we convince ourselves and concoct up proof to support our thoughts and thinking process to our advantage. We all know what is good and bad, correct and incorrect, right and wrong; that is by our society’s standards but yet when it is in our self-interest we look the other way without any qualm of conscience. It is not surprising that even after thousands of years of education, humanity still supports the evil in our nature and it is more in evidence than the good that we preach.
I would definitely like to know what in our nature and way of thinking makes us so. All of us read and expound sacred texts. We are regular goers to places of worship. We attend congregations for listening to advanced souls. We have prayers meetings at home and dutifully promote chanting and gatherings but for some reason all this remains acutely as part of other curricular activities. The philosophies we profess never become part of our active life and do not even scratch the surfaces of our real natures. Are we hard skinned or so insincere in our basic core that nothing can touch us our souls?
We do live a charade. One of the most horrific displays of this nature is the pious and virtuous show we put up in the form of artificial temples and copies of places of pilgrimages and the recent fashion of Chowki platforms to sing the praise of our Gods. The ridiculous is taken to an extreme with the populace rushing for Darshan and a glimpse of the Lord. The statues that are displayed are horrifyingly ugly; the singing is in bad taste by second rate artists and the volumes are designed to shatter all the glasses around. In some performances real theatrical groups are involved which is disgusting and a downright insult to any dignified “show” – definitely nothing Godly and what God would come in these surroundings? It is so downright a display of human stupidity and its ability to pull wool over its own eyes. The worst is that nobody has the courage to speak up although many in privately say how coarse they find it. The saving grace is the dinner that follows.
Why are we so easily swayed to accept the “bad” & and the “unacceptable” even by our own standards? And convince ourselves that all is alright!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Relief from Anxiety,Depression, Stress
Relief from Anxiety/panic attacks, Depression and Stress
All humans are neither created in the same fabric nor brought up in the same way. Some can take the stress of life calmly because it is already built-in in their inherent nature; others who are more introspective are baffled by the complexities of life and behaviors of others. Their basic natures are trusting, kind and loving. The world unfortunately does not respond kindly to their "soft" nature but always attempts to take advantage of. A "nice" person is always seen as easy meat.If you are looking for relief from all the pressures around you need to first understand that the world cannot be changed. But you can create a buffer zone around you. You need to understand also what is at play and then find in yourself the strength which is already there to create a small world of your own in which only you are you and welcome and which will act as an island of refuge for you.We cannot always change our patterns but by changing some of our activities we can create new paths in our brain’s way of handling things. Try sometimes the concept of De-stressing through Drawing/Coloring with pastel Crayons/Painting in Oil. It is simply impossible to be unhappy with colors in your life. Left to themselves, most humans would go on masturbating with their own morbid thoughts. So they have to be weaned away. The ego of a person will resist so the job has to be done gently. Landscapes with pleasant forms and all elemental natural ingredients in it serve well in this regardAvoid stressed out people.Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”.And learn to relax by any means that you like, find convinient. Things that help you learn are always the best as they enhance the future quality of life.Read more detailed activity report at:http://sites.google.com/site/anxietydepressionstressrelief/
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Letting go
Let go and let live
This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.
Here is one of the conversations:
Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?
My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.
Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.
Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.
The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.
First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?
It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.
I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.
It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.
The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.
What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!
This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.
Here is one of the conversations:
Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?
My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.
Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.
Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.
The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.
First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?
It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.
I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.
It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.
The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.
What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Mending relationships
MENDING RELATIONSHIPS
A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best of times.
It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.
Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.
Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give irritating rashes.
I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.
Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly presumptuous!
Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture. Things are now cool and contented between us.
There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.
A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best of times.
It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.
Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.
Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give irritating rashes.
I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.
Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly presumptuous!
Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture. Things are now cool and contented between us.
There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.
Monday, January 26, 2009
TIRED for Nothing.
My wife is one of the pillars of our country. She works so that people like me can enjoy a life of bliss. I am definitely one of the hangers-on; living away from the hustle-bustle of modern day life and inconveniences. I am so used to the calm and silences in my life that getting out of the house seems like being dropped in a cauldron. The down side of living as a hanger-on is that we have to go where we are lead. So outings are decided by the time availability of my wife and I am taken along for the convenience; after all somebody has to drive the car, hold the baby and the bags, give technical advice on goods and products and if necessary talk the shop-keeper down.
Now we are from the middle class. This means we cannot afford to go shopping in air-conditioned malls or other exotic locales; although I do remember going to one mall some time ago to have the experience. The place was full of young people with no place to go and the shops were empty. After a while I just wanted out of there. Coming back to my story, we go to one of the largest middle class shopping centers in town called the Sarojini Market. From a sleepy market it has now become one of the most crowded and vibrant but in its favor one has to say that everything we are looking for we find them there and also many things that irritate us.
Saturdays and Sundays are the only days we have free time. Unfortunately the whole town suffers from the same symptom. The shops are fine, even the crowd can be tolerated. What makes the experience tiresome is the walking area is full of well entrenched hawkers taking up the whole place and the shopkeepers displaying their wares outside the showrooms, taking up the walking area. Then the itinerant sellers with their wares on their shoulders keep coming on, they stand right in your path and ask you to buy their hankies, belts or tablecloths - the list is long. I feel like giving them one. To add to the melee are the beggars.
Dirt from spitting, garbage and the attitude that every corner is a dustbin if not a toilet forms part of the larger picture.
So the poor visitors who make the market hum are left struggling with 4 feet of space to wander in. It is shoulder to shoulder experience and the fear that your pocket will be picked. I go there because I have to but after precisely an hour or so, I absolutely demand a glass of cold coffee. This revives me for about twenty minutes. Then when the going becomes unbearable, we enter any of the showrooms that have created a haven by glass and air-conditioning. We pose at looking at their wares and obviously find nothing of interest. Revived then we go on again.
And I wonder why I am getting so tired in this surrounding. Is it the carbon dioxide in the air or just my sensitivity or something else? Of course the attitude of the people we end up interacting with is very “do-your-thing-quickly-and-go”; polite but couldn’t care less.
Then I chanced to read a passage in the TOI from the Karuna Wellness Centre. The writer says: “Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”. I find this explanation perfectly explaining the fatigue I feel. The relief I get on getting out of the market is palpable; as if coming out of a sauna.
The auras of others are not the only thing I would say. When you are used to cleaner environment and have spent a lot of time in beautifying your space, and you wish to live a “beautiful” life, you are annoyed and it shows when you have to tolerate the mess and dirt created by others – specially in public places. I have always used the condition of the toilet area as an indicator of the mentality of the owners and a very fine pointer to the environment and attitudes I will meet there. I have rarely been wrong.
I have often wondered why as a people we are so callous about the cleanliness of public spaces. Just look at this picture.
This is the entry to the market of Greater Kailash 1 market; one of the poshest colonies or at least with a very rich class of residents. People from all over come here. This is where they park their stylish cars worth a few fortunes. But nobody complains so there is a tacit acceptance. When shall we insist on getting the best? Because as Somerset Maugham says: Those who insist on the best normally get it!
It has to be a collective effort.
Best Wishes
PK
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My wife is one of the pillars of our country. She works so that people like me can enjoy a life of bliss. I am definitely one of the hangers-on; living away from the hustle-bustle of modern day life and inconveniences. I am so used to the calm and silences in my life that getting out of the house seems like being dropped in a cauldron. The down side of living as a hanger-on is that we have to go where we are lead. So outings are decided by the time availability of my wife and I am taken along for the convenience; after all somebody has to drive the car, hold the baby and the bags, give technical advice on goods and products and if necessary talk the shop-keeper down.
Now we are from the middle class. This means we cannot afford to go shopping in air-conditioned malls or other exotic locales; although I do remember going to one mall some time ago to have the experience. The place was full of young people with no place to go and the shops were empty. After a while I just wanted out of there. Coming back to my story, we go to one of the largest middle class shopping centers in town called the Sarojini Market. From a sleepy market it has now become one of the most crowded and vibrant but in its favor one has to say that everything we are looking for we find them there and also many things that irritate us.
Saturdays and Sundays are the only days we have free time. Unfortunately the whole town suffers from the same symptom. The shops are fine, even the crowd can be tolerated. What makes the experience tiresome is the walking area is full of well entrenched hawkers taking up the whole place and the shopkeepers displaying their wares outside the showrooms, taking up the walking area. Then the itinerant sellers with their wares on their shoulders keep coming on, they stand right in your path and ask you to buy their hankies, belts or tablecloths - the list is long. I feel like giving them one. To add to the melee are the beggars.
Dirt from spitting, garbage and the attitude that every corner is a dustbin if not a toilet forms part of the larger picture.
So the poor visitors who make the market hum are left struggling with 4 feet of space to wander in. It is shoulder to shoulder experience and the fear that your pocket will be picked. I go there because I have to but after precisely an hour or so, I absolutely demand a glass of cold coffee. This revives me for about twenty minutes. Then when the going becomes unbearable, we enter any of the showrooms that have created a haven by glass and air-conditioning. We pose at looking at their wares and obviously find nothing of interest. Revived then we go on again.
And I wonder why I am getting so tired in this surrounding. Is it the carbon dioxide in the air or just my sensitivity or something else? Of course the attitude of the people we end up interacting with is very “do-your-thing-quickly-and-go”; polite but couldn’t care less.
Then I chanced to read a passage in the TOI from the Karuna Wellness Centre. The writer says: “Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”. I find this explanation perfectly explaining the fatigue I feel. The relief I get on getting out of the market is palpable; as if coming out of a sauna.
The auras of others are not the only thing I would say. When you are used to cleaner environment and have spent a lot of time in beautifying your space, and you wish to live a “beautiful” life, you are annoyed and it shows when you have to tolerate the mess and dirt created by others – specially in public places. I have always used the condition of the toilet area as an indicator of the mentality of the owners and a very fine pointer to the environment and attitudes I will meet there. I have rarely been wrong.
I have often wondered why as a people we are so callous about the cleanliness of public spaces. Just look at this picture.
This is the entry to the market of Greater Kailash 1 market; one of the poshest colonies or at least with a very rich class of residents. People from all over come here. This is where they park their stylish cars worth a few fortunes. But nobody complains so there is a tacit acceptance. When shall we insist on getting the best? Because as Somerset Maugham says: Those who insist on the best normally get it!
It has to be a collective effort.
Best Wishes
PK
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Thursday, January 22, 2009
Being rude
Deliberately Rude.
From those times of the beautiful people when good manners were deliberately studied and cultivated and the populace tried to ape them as far as they could, just to be called gentlemen, we have now reached the other end of the spectrum, where being deliberately rude seems to be “IN”. It is not an isolated phenomenon. You can go to any corner of the world and you are confronted with humans who refuse to recognize your presence and if they do, they do it with obvious displeasure with grunts or expletives that would have been considered vulgar or abusive some 30 years ago.
The question is why. Are they doing it deliberately? Are they just awfully lacking in education? Are they making a statement of sorts?
If they are doing it deliberately then where did they see the need of it in the first place? If they are lacking in education, once they are out in the world, they could easily learn from example of others around them but they don’t. If they are doing it to make a statement, then of course the question is what is it?
It makes me go back to the generation divide question. Every generation announces itself by doing something shocking to make the elder generation take note of their presence and separate identity. I suppose something of the same order is taking place here. The world now belongs to machines and their operators. The middle class with its basic values and education has been edged out. What can we expect?
A deeper study of some instances will make it very obvious.
1) The Girl at the counter of a store today; her job is specific. She has to take the products that you have decided to buy and placed in your basket, pass them over the electronic bar reader and take the money from you. She has no need to know anything about the product or its price of anything at all. The display counter shows the total. Your job is to hand over the cash. All the education the girl needs to be able to count the cash. Every aspect of the thinking and calculating part is done by the machine. Does she need to talk? Not if she does not want to. Just because you have bought an expensive perfume from her store, does not mean she has to be polite to you!
2) The taxi driver; you wave him down. If he stops (Note the “IF”) you get in the car. You give him the address and shut up. When you reach there, if you have the rudimentary education to read the meter, you look at the display and pay with a tip for the favor done to you and quickly get out. Displays of camaraderie and even polite greetings are not in order.
3) I go for lunch in a pretty expensive restaurant which happens to be in a busy part of the town. I finish lunch and wish to linger over a coffee. But the waiter has other ideas. He takes away the plates, removes the tablecloth and brings out a new one, snaps it pat into my face and starts laying down the table again for the next customer. The message was clear.
Things are getting worse. At the petrol pump the trend is toward self service. At the store the passing of money is now limited to swiping cards and if technology has its say, this too will be eventually done from a distance. Deliveries are being made at home. The trend is toward minimum human interaction. Any attempt towards conversation, even the commenting on the weather becomes an infringement of the right to remain aloof. Their privacy and freedom is paramount which includes the right to be stupid and a disturber of the peace. You are allowed only to hear their voice when they are incessantly talking on their cell-phones and forcing you to listen to their inane chatter.
The other day two people were standing quite in the middle of the road with their scooter in between them and have a serious and important talk. From what I could see, they were deliberately showing off their presence. After years on the road, even these morons would know that other vehicles could be passing by and would be dangerous to their health; stopping a bit on the side where there was ample space could not have exerted them overmuch and it would leave the road to the traffic. But no; even with cars whizzing by they were making a great show of being too importantly engrossed. Poor car-owners, they would have to wait their pleasure or squeeze through the little space remaining.
As the story goes I blew on the horn and kept on coming, totally ignoring the scooterists. When they saw that I was not seeing them and might even brush into them, they ran helter-skelter to save themselves and they were mightily shocked. This happened near my house, so they saw me stopping and came over to argue the point. The conversation ran something like this: Scooterists: You don’t care about others. We could have been hurt. Me: So? If you are worried about yourself, why stand in the middle of the road? Scooterists: Even then, will you run people over? Me: Yes. Scooterists: What? You will knowingly run people down (shock in their voices)? Me: Yes. If you are not worried about saving yourselves why should I try to save you?..... This left them gaping and one of them even had the grace to smile. They made faces and buzzed off. I would not advise anyone to take this stance today. It may not be good for your general well being in the present-day wild dispositions.
If the rudeness is more than you can take, stay at home. Use your mobile to order things and limit your outings to five star locations, where for your money they will be polite and even extra-polite and may even tolerate some reasonable amount of your ire.
From those times of the beautiful people when good manners were deliberately studied and cultivated and the populace tried to ape them as far as they could, just to be called gentlemen, we have now reached the other end of the spectrum, where being deliberately rude seems to be “IN”. It is not an isolated phenomenon. You can go to any corner of the world and you are confronted with humans who refuse to recognize your presence and if they do, they do it with obvious displeasure with grunts or expletives that would have been considered vulgar or abusive some 30 years ago.
The question is why. Are they doing it deliberately? Are they just awfully lacking in education? Are they making a statement of sorts?
If they are doing it deliberately then where did they see the need of it in the first place? If they are lacking in education, once they are out in the world, they could easily learn from example of others around them but they don’t. If they are doing it to make a statement, then of course the question is what is it?
It makes me go back to the generation divide question. Every generation announces itself by doing something shocking to make the elder generation take note of their presence and separate identity. I suppose something of the same order is taking place here. The world now belongs to machines and their operators. The middle class with its basic values and education has been edged out. What can we expect?
A deeper study of some instances will make it very obvious.
1) The Girl at the counter of a store today; her job is specific. She has to take the products that you have decided to buy and placed in your basket, pass them over the electronic bar reader and take the money from you. She has no need to know anything about the product or its price of anything at all. The display counter shows the total. Your job is to hand over the cash. All the education the girl needs to be able to count the cash. Every aspect of the thinking and calculating part is done by the machine. Does she need to talk? Not if she does not want to. Just because you have bought an expensive perfume from her store, does not mean she has to be polite to you!
2) The taxi driver; you wave him down. If he stops (Note the “IF”) you get in the car. You give him the address and shut up. When you reach there, if you have the rudimentary education to read the meter, you look at the display and pay with a tip for the favor done to you and quickly get out. Displays of camaraderie and even polite greetings are not in order.
3) I go for lunch in a pretty expensive restaurant which happens to be in a busy part of the town. I finish lunch and wish to linger over a coffee. But the waiter has other ideas. He takes away the plates, removes the tablecloth and brings out a new one, snaps it pat into my face and starts laying down the table again for the next customer. The message was clear.
Things are getting worse. At the petrol pump the trend is toward self service. At the store the passing of money is now limited to swiping cards and if technology has its say, this too will be eventually done from a distance. Deliveries are being made at home. The trend is toward minimum human interaction. Any attempt towards conversation, even the commenting on the weather becomes an infringement of the right to remain aloof. Their privacy and freedom is paramount which includes the right to be stupid and a disturber of the peace. You are allowed only to hear their voice when they are incessantly talking on their cell-phones and forcing you to listen to their inane chatter.
The other day two people were standing quite in the middle of the road with their scooter in between them and have a serious and important talk. From what I could see, they were deliberately showing off their presence. After years on the road, even these morons would know that other vehicles could be passing by and would be dangerous to their health; stopping a bit on the side where there was ample space could not have exerted them overmuch and it would leave the road to the traffic. But no; even with cars whizzing by they were making a great show of being too importantly engrossed. Poor car-owners, they would have to wait their pleasure or squeeze through the little space remaining.
As the story goes I blew on the horn and kept on coming, totally ignoring the scooterists. When they saw that I was not seeing them and might even brush into them, they ran helter-skelter to save themselves and they were mightily shocked. This happened near my house, so they saw me stopping and came over to argue the point. The conversation ran something like this: Scooterists: You don’t care about others. We could have been hurt. Me: So? If you are worried about yourself, why stand in the middle of the road? Scooterists: Even then, will you run people over? Me: Yes. Scooterists: What? You will knowingly run people down (shock in their voices)? Me: Yes. If you are not worried about saving yourselves why should I try to save you?..... This left them gaping and one of them even had the grace to smile. They made faces and buzzed off. I would not advise anyone to take this stance today. It may not be good for your general well being in the present-day wild dispositions.
If the rudeness is more than you can take, stay at home. Use your mobile to order things and limit your outings to five star locations, where for your money they will be polite and even extra-polite and may even tolerate some reasonable amount of your ire.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Mental Interference
Mental Interference.
Do we always receive messages by ear and eyes correctly? Once heard or seen do we then act on them impartially and precisely? My perception is that we do not. We tend to over do the thinking part from our side and we tweak the info a little to suit and fit into our perceptions of things. In the execution it then gets terribly garbled or modified.
Once I was making a miniature indoor rock garden. The handyman of the owner of the house was helping me. I asked for a metal tank of a certain size and specifically gave him the measurements of length, width and height. When the tank arrived it was considerably higher than needed. So I, a little peeved, asked the handyman why he made it higher than what I had asked for. His reply was that the price asked was the same for both so he went for the extra height as he got it free. The thought that there might be a technical or any other reason for the height never came to him. That he was making changes in the specs without understanding the final use of the material did not bother him a little tiny bit. And worst of all: with phones at both ends, he could have easily called me up and get the point cleared but then this one would do only if in doubt. This is not only mental interference but I would add mental arrogance too.
It is this thinking for others that is the bane of working together or living together. Why do we have to show off our intelligence in things that are not ours to worry about? But this is awfully a fact of life and nothing, absolutely no reprimand or orders ever changes the stance. In the most insignificant things we tend to meddle. I can rarely have cup of coffee done my way. I like it very warm but not boiling hot, a little strong but only half a cup at a time and no espresso. This should be a simple thing to obtain in this world one would believe. My experience is to the contrary. I get what I want only when I make it myself. On visits, my requests are simply overridden by my hosts and they offer me coffee the way they like it – normally with too much milk and sugar and boiling hot and in the biggest cup they can to please me!
The other day I sent my boy to buy rechargeable batteries along with a charger and a carry case for my new camera. This chap has been with me since 16 years. I normally give him the back ground of the situation so that he can take proper practical decisions on the spot if required. Then over the last 12 years since he has had the mobile phone, I have been drumming into him not to decide on things he does not understand and all he has to do is to give me a call and leave the decision making to me. So, he goes and gets me the case and the charger but not the batteries. This is very annoying because what I have are normal dry cells. I was to go to a gathering where I wanted to take some pictures and the normal dry cell would not have carried me thru. So I asked him why he had not bought the batteries and his candid reply was that he had seen the batteries so he assumed that I must have made a mistake and did not really need them.
Similarly I can relate umpteen instances. Once when designing the electronics for a washing machine I asked a certain metal plate of a certain thickness to be fitted in a very particular way to avoid the vibrations shaking the relay systems. Then I left the factory in charge of the owner engineer to incorporate the changes. In the afternoon I was rudely woken up from my afternoon siesta by a call that my system is not working at all and in fact it has worsened the situation. So I rushed back to the factory because it is now a matter of my pride and the reliability of my technical know-how at stake. There I soon see that the plate is not of the thickness advised and not fitted as I had instructed. The owner engineer of the project had made changes and then was complaining the most loudly; totally oblivious that he was the reason behind the problems. In this particular case the interference was at every step. He just could not resist interfering and he delayed the project so much that another manufacturer then pipped him at the post by bringing out a machine before he could. Otherwise he would have been the first one and there were six marketing brands running after him to take the machine under their brand which would have been a great win.
This trait is universal and in force in every small act or word in our lives. We should make a concerted attempt to reduce this factor to live happier and better lives.
Do we always receive messages by ear and eyes correctly? Once heard or seen do we then act on them impartially and precisely? My perception is that we do not. We tend to over do the thinking part from our side and we tweak the info a little to suit and fit into our perceptions of things. In the execution it then gets terribly garbled or modified.
Once I was making a miniature indoor rock garden. The handyman of the owner of the house was helping me. I asked for a metal tank of a certain size and specifically gave him the measurements of length, width and height. When the tank arrived it was considerably higher than needed. So I, a little peeved, asked the handyman why he made it higher than what I had asked for. His reply was that the price asked was the same for both so he went for the extra height as he got it free. The thought that there might be a technical or any other reason for the height never came to him. That he was making changes in the specs without understanding the final use of the material did not bother him a little tiny bit. And worst of all: with phones at both ends, he could have easily called me up and get the point cleared but then this one would do only if in doubt. This is not only mental interference but I would add mental arrogance too.
It is this thinking for others that is the bane of working together or living together. Why do we have to show off our intelligence in things that are not ours to worry about? But this is awfully a fact of life and nothing, absolutely no reprimand or orders ever changes the stance. In the most insignificant things we tend to meddle. I can rarely have cup of coffee done my way. I like it very warm but not boiling hot, a little strong but only half a cup at a time and no espresso. This should be a simple thing to obtain in this world one would believe. My experience is to the contrary. I get what I want only when I make it myself. On visits, my requests are simply overridden by my hosts and they offer me coffee the way they like it – normally with too much milk and sugar and boiling hot and in the biggest cup they can to please me!
The other day I sent my boy to buy rechargeable batteries along with a charger and a carry case for my new camera. This chap has been with me since 16 years. I normally give him the back ground of the situation so that he can take proper practical decisions on the spot if required. Then over the last 12 years since he has had the mobile phone, I have been drumming into him not to decide on things he does not understand and all he has to do is to give me a call and leave the decision making to me. So, he goes and gets me the case and the charger but not the batteries. This is very annoying because what I have are normal dry cells. I was to go to a gathering where I wanted to take some pictures and the normal dry cell would not have carried me thru. So I asked him why he had not bought the batteries and his candid reply was that he had seen the batteries so he assumed that I must have made a mistake and did not really need them.
Similarly I can relate umpteen instances. Once when designing the electronics for a washing machine I asked a certain metal plate of a certain thickness to be fitted in a very particular way to avoid the vibrations shaking the relay systems. Then I left the factory in charge of the owner engineer to incorporate the changes. In the afternoon I was rudely woken up from my afternoon siesta by a call that my system is not working at all and in fact it has worsened the situation. So I rushed back to the factory because it is now a matter of my pride and the reliability of my technical know-how at stake. There I soon see that the plate is not of the thickness advised and not fitted as I had instructed. The owner engineer of the project had made changes and then was complaining the most loudly; totally oblivious that he was the reason behind the problems. In this particular case the interference was at every step. He just could not resist interfering and he delayed the project so much that another manufacturer then pipped him at the post by bringing out a machine before he could. Otherwise he would have been the first one and there were six marketing brands running after him to take the machine under their brand which would have been a great win.
This trait is universal and in force in every small act or word in our lives. We should make a concerted attempt to reduce this factor to live happier and better lives.
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