OFFENDED
This quote popped out t me like a shot. And it put into beautiful words something that I was trying to understand. Everything became clear in a flash. Edward R Murrow says: Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.
That doesn’t leave much doubt does it? This is how I have been feeling and interpreting my experience as; here is somebody who not only agrees with me but he has put the same into such lucid words. I can see my entire experiences reflected in this one sentence. The irony in this observation is that no one will agree that they are being difficult just to prove that they are also somebody. From an exterior angle most behaviors & utterances can easily be interpreted in many different hues. Is there a deciding parameter to justify who is being difficult and who is being critical, diffident or nice? No and there is no point going to into it.
The truth is always way above and out of the realm of arguments. If a state of argument exists then the first principle that it is not the truth is already at work. So instead of arguments many people use the vehicle of incrimination to keep the others off guard. There is not only an element of purposeful insincerity but also a malevolent intent. It is bullying in the most gentlemanly manner. They keep on throwing verbal stones of accusations and leave you only two options: either you start a long diatribe of explanations which in turn get ripped and require more self-deprecating explanations thereby binding you in an unending jam or you show indignation and try to out shout/argue the other guy down. Either way you have lost because the oppressor has got you where he wanted you. If you try to hurt him back the bully then gets physically violent or threatens to and this sword is allowed to dangle over your head in practically a permanent state. Eventually as you are not made in the same insensitive mould your first instinct is to avoid all contacts and save yourself from irritating situations. But the sword is always dangling.
Talking theoretically may seem as if all is said and explained but my opinion is that until a point is illustrated, there is always a margin for impulsive and lax interpretations of a statement. As it is the words can convey only limited notions. The feeling and the 3D drama is fully lost in the telling. Still one thing can be said without much margin of error in interpretation that people do use a nose-up in the air style and keep others in perennial state of terror as to what barb is coming next. They are clever enough to translate every question or remark of yours into a perceived insult and then use it to pour invectives down on you; with a full bag of righteous justification for it.
This is a subject on which few can go one-up on me. I have a mother who is an expert at it. She has cultivated it to an art form. The regular show of this style can be seen on Indian TV Serials. My mother saw it in real life from her brothers as a lively young daughter of a rather important zamindar. She hasn’t forgotten it and let’s no one else do so either. Her attitude has been steadily bolstered by the regular feed of this characterisation since the last 60 years in our movies. Then to add to my discomfort, now I have a first floor neighbor who along with his wife has made it into a duo act of some refinement
I have an aunt who is a backbiter and congenital liar. Life forced me to go and live with her for a while. Even though it was a very long time ago I have still not gotten over it. In a few months my reputation as a rogue was making headlines in the family. Oh I admit I am a bit of a rascal and this is plainly shown by my irreverent attitude of arguing with my elders and questioning them at every command. Then I had this inspiration. In the midst of my whole family one day I used her own style of being offended and announced to the whole gathering that from that day onwards I was dead for her and there will be no further contact between us. That stumped her and since then I have known peace.
Falling back on my experience, I used the same trick on my neighbor. Now since two years I refuse to reply to him and I don’t say anything to him. I just do what I have to do. No discussions. He is now trapped in his own drama. If he cusses me, he will be seen as the attacker. And as far as possible I avoid him like the plague; even to the extent that I avoid “seeing” him so this does away for any need to even say good morning. Things are nice and cool for the time being.
For the whole of my life I have tried to come close to my mother but on my 60th birthday my patience snapped. I saw clearly that by showing her that I needed her, I have only allowed her to use my affections for her self-agrandissement; I am a mere prop to her self-importance so I have let more than a little coolness & distance come between us. I never say anything to her so she cannot be offended and if what she is saying looks like fault-finding I don’t let her say it and stop her in mid-sentence. I have peace of mind and I am content. I do my thing; she does hers.
The trait of accusing and keeping a front of being offended is very common in the Indian character. But I can safely say even though it is generally the rule as all are in the same boat nobody has recognized it for the nagging negativity it brings into our way of thinking & behavior. Without realizing it we are all unhappy, a little disturbed and irritated at any given times. How did this trait become so dominant in our ethos, I wonder?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Scorned
A woman scorned.
Read the whole article at: http://pk.posterous.com/scorned
Today when I opened the papers, the first thing that put a smile on my face was a comic strip and a piece of news. I was thoroughly amused. It was also proof that the world was in agreement and in tune with me in many ways. A few days back I was talking of the anger in relationships and how wives can come out with a thunderous clap on the slightest sign of scorn being hinted.
What constitutes nagging and scornful exhibition has not been documented yet. From the comic strip, it would seem that everything said or hinted in contradiction constitutes a scornful act which is absolutely unacceptable. In this comic strip the sentence “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” was being elaborated. The fuming woman was serving dinner and telling her husband –“After a whole day at my job I come back and bake you these potatoes. Saying no thank you will NOT DO!” The news item was more specific. The man had become so fed up by the nagging of his wife that he put her up for sale; we are to believe that they were newly weds too. And wonders of wonders, there were buyers ready too. The wife on her side had a simple explanation: “I don’t think I nag him. He just doesn’t do what I want him to”.
Read the whole article at: http://pk.posterous.com/scorned
Today when I opened the papers, the first thing that put a smile on my face was a comic strip and a piece of news. I was thoroughly amused. It was also proof that the world was in agreement and in tune with me in many ways. A few days back I was talking of the anger in relationships and how wives can come out with a thunderous clap on the slightest sign of scorn being hinted.
What constitutes nagging and scornful exhibition has not been documented yet. From the comic strip, it would seem that everything said or hinted in contradiction constitutes a scornful act which is absolutely unacceptable. In this comic strip the sentence “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” was being elaborated. The fuming woman was serving dinner and telling her husband –“After a whole day at my job I come back and bake you these potatoes. Saying no thank you will NOT DO!” The news item was more specific. The man had become so fed up by the nagging of his wife that he put her up for sale; we are to believe that they were newly weds too. And wonders of wonders, there were buyers ready too. The wife on her side had a simple explanation: “I don’t think I nag him. He just doesn’t do what I want him to”.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Dead or Alive
Dead or Alive
Would somebody tell me how valuable I am? Am I more valuable dead than alive?
You would of course say “alive”. Truly you would say I am asking a pointless and silly question. Very well, then would you explain to me why nobody could find time to visit Mr. X when he was alive but all turned out to pay him “respect”(sic) when he finally called it a day? Am I being silly then? Now my own time is not too far off. I was reflecting on my own life. I did the unpardonable by living by my principles and whims instead of the community’s and was rather stark in my annoyance if anyone crossed the line beyond reasonable limits. So today I have the pleasure of rarely receiving anyone from the family; even the ones who found me “super” when younger. They remember my indiscretions, my frank and outgoing speeches and think I am best kept at a distance which suits me fine (I suppose they are afraid I will contaminate the minds of their children).
The other day I was talking to my wife on this subject and I told her when my time comes would she have the guts to ask people to leave me alone in death as they had done in life? I would definitely want it so.
I do wonder why we give so much importance to death and make it such a grim and solemn affair. After-all the departed one could not care less and he could be in no way sad about the turn of events. There is this uppermost enigma in my mind as to why we reserve the eulogizing for the dead while the living ones get all the contemptuous glances and more? There is no love lost before death and after it there is nothing but it. If anyone is looking for proof of the basic elemental dishonesty in human nature one has to simply visit a wake. All their lives those who were dying to hear a kind word have to literally die to hear one!
My father was an intellectual and although he loved company of his friends and family and could easily become the life of the party, he was by virtue of his hobbies and activities happy to be left alone too. When he was younger he was the best placed in the family and helped all his younger brothers to get placed and sisters married off. In time the brothers established themselves and had families and responsibilities of their own. Time for gathering around my father shrinked from days to hours and then to minutes to less and less and by the time he was sixty very few had any time to visit him until and unless they had a problem only his genius could solve. My own bent of spirit is a little on the philosophical side and I took after him in more ways than one and I can say he was proud of me and contented enough to see me doing as well as he had done.
I have always made an effort to find time to be with people I tend to miss. So although my father was in Hyderabad and I was in Delhi, I spent at least 3-4days every month with him religiously. Then one day the ominous call did come. But at his age it was expected and a matter of time. I reached there immediately to take care of affairs and informed all my family who are mainly in the north of India that they should please do me the favor of not rushing down. For one I did not have the personnel and resources to host anyone; and more importantly I wanted to be alone. I told them they would be welcome to visit me and my mother when we are in Delhi in a month’s time. Knowing me they all did as told. We did not miss them and I am sure they were very relieved to avoid this troublesome trip.
I have been one of the lucky ones. I enjoyed exactly 47 years of a close life with my father and my brother. I pride myself in thinking that the delight was mutual. I took time out to spend as much of my days as I could with both of them. I may regret a lot of things but not the time with them. Now that they are gone I feel orphaned. But as it happens in life there are always compensatory comings and goings. My daughter came into my life when I was 58; when I had all the time in the world to devote to her. The last 3 and a half years I have been with her all the time. My wife is a full time employee so the mothering came on my shoulders and I loved it. It has been the loveliest part of my life. The laughter, the kisses, the clinging and the gamboling; nothing can beat it all. Only now that she is growing up and does not need my physical embraces so much I am already beginning to feel the distancing and a wistfulness creeps in. I get to hold her nowadays only when something disturbs her at night and then she slips into my lap and goes to sleep in my arms. How long will the title “Grandest Papa in the Whole World” last? Why do these kids have to grow so fast?
Would somebody tell me how valuable I am? Am I more valuable dead than alive?
You would of course say “alive”. Truly you would say I am asking a pointless and silly question. Very well, then would you explain to me why nobody could find time to visit Mr. X when he was alive but all turned out to pay him “respect”(sic) when he finally called it a day? Am I being silly then? Now my own time is not too far off. I was reflecting on my own life. I did the unpardonable by living by my principles and whims instead of the community’s and was rather stark in my annoyance if anyone crossed the line beyond reasonable limits. So today I have the pleasure of rarely receiving anyone from the family; even the ones who found me “super” when younger. They remember my indiscretions, my frank and outgoing speeches and think I am best kept at a distance which suits me fine (I suppose they are afraid I will contaminate the minds of their children).
The other day I was talking to my wife on this subject and I told her when my time comes would she have the guts to ask people to leave me alone in death as they had done in life? I would definitely want it so.
I do wonder why we give so much importance to death and make it such a grim and solemn affair. After-all the departed one could not care less and he could be in no way sad about the turn of events. There is this uppermost enigma in my mind as to why we reserve the eulogizing for the dead while the living ones get all the contemptuous glances and more? There is no love lost before death and after it there is nothing but it. If anyone is looking for proof of the basic elemental dishonesty in human nature one has to simply visit a wake. All their lives those who were dying to hear a kind word have to literally die to hear one!
My father was an intellectual and although he loved company of his friends and family and could easily become the life of the party, he was by virtue of his hobbies and activities happy to be left alone too. When he was younger he was the best placed in the family and helped all his younger brothers to get placed and sisters married off. In time the brothers established themselves and had families and responsibilities of their own. Time for gathering around my father shrinked from days to hours and then to minutes to less and less and by the time he was sixty very few had any time to visit him until and unless they had a problem only his genius could solve. My own bent of spirit is a little on the philosophical side and I took after him in more ways than one and I can say he was proud of me and contented enough to see me doing as well as he had done.
I have always made an effort to find time to be with people I tend to miss. So although my father was in Hyderabad and I was in Delhi, I spent at least 3-4days every month with him religiously. Then one day the ominous call did come. But at his age it was expected and a matter of time. I reached there immediately to take care of affairs and informed all my family who are mainly in the north of India that they should please do me the favor of not rushing down. For one I did not have the personnel and resources to host anyone; and more importantly I wanted to be alone. I told them they would be welcome to visit me and my mother when we are in Delhi in a month’s time. Knowing me they all did as told. We did not miss them and I am sure they were very relieved to avoid this troublesome trip.
I have been one of the lucky ones. I enjoyed exactly 47 years of a close life with my father and my brother. I pride myself in thinking that the delight was mutual. I took time out to spend as much of my days as I could with both of them. I may regret a lot of things but not the time with them. Now that they are gone I feel orphaned. But as it happens in life there are always compensatory comings and goings. My daughter came into my life when I was 58; when I had all the time in the world to devote to her. The last 3 and a half years I have been with her all the time. My wife is a full time employee so the mothering came on my shoulders and I loved it. It has been the loveliest part of my life. The laughter, the kisses, the clinging and the gamboling; nothing can beat it all. Only now that she is growing up and does not need my physical embraces so much I am already beginning to feel the distancing and a wistfulness creeps in. I get to hold her nowadays only when something disturbs her at night and then she slips into my lap and goes to sleep in my arms. How long will the title “Grandest Papa in the Whole World” last? Why do these kids have to grow so fast?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Fair and square
Fair and Square
My daughter and I were watching Noddy on the TV. All toy town people had just collected a bagful of berries and the toy-town baddies had sneaked around and stolen them. Noddy and the policeman Mr. Plod were after them. Finally they catch up with the baddies. Noddy shouts at them to return the berries. The baddies shout back that they will not only not return the berries but Noddy can’t make them give it back; then, they had stolen the berries “fair & square” and therefore the berries now belonged to them by right.
What beautiful logic! I was amused to see the resemblance to real life in this conversation. I go to the park with my child everyday and allow other children to play with the ball I carry with me. So the ball is either in play with some kid or the other or just lying there somewhere. Some time ago an old lady picked it up and kept it in her lap. I was watching her but did not say anything; later when it was time to go home I went to her and asked for the ball. She wasn’t very keen to return it thinking of it as an abandoned ball. I had to explain to her that I let other kids play but it was mine. She did give it back but not happily. Then some days ago when I was not looking, somebody took it away and I have not seen it since.
Now what was I to think? Why are we so keen to appropriate goods not belonging to us even if it is abandoned? You remember the story of the lamb drinking water at a stream and the wolf comes to him and says that he was dirtying the water for him. But the water is flowing downstream to me says the lamb. Oh that does not matter says the wolf; I am going to eat you anyway. “Any excuse will do”.
How easily we convince ourselves and concoct up proof to support our thoughts and thinking process to our advantage. We all know what is good and bad, correct and incorrect, right and wrong; that is by our society’s standards but yet when it is in our self-interest we look the other way without any qualm of conscience. It is not surprising that even after thousands of years of education, humanity still supports the evil in our nature and it is more in evidence than the good that we preach.
I would definitely like to know what in our nature and way of thinking makes us so. All of us read and expound sacred texts. We are regular goers to places of worship. We attend congregations for listening to advanced souls. We have prayers meetings at home and dutifully promote chanting and gatherings but for some reason all this remains acutely as part of other curricular activities. The philosophies we profess never become part of our active life and do not even scratch the surfaces of our real natures. Are we hard skinned or so insincere in our basic core that nothing can touch us our souls?
We do live a charade. One of the most horrific displays of this nature is the pious and virtuous show we put up in the form of artificial temples and copies of places of pilgrimages and the recent fashion of Chowki platforms to sing the praise of our Gods. The ridiculous is taken to an extreme with the populace rushing for Darshan and a glimpse of the Lord. The statues that are displayed are horrifyingly ugly; the singing is in bad taste by second rate artists and the volumes are designed to shatter all the glasses around. In some performances real theatrical groups are involved which is disgusting and a downright insult to any dignified “show” – definitely nothing Godly and what God would come in these surroundings? It is so downright a display of human stupidity and its ability to pull wool over its own eyes. The worst is that nobody has the courage to speak up although many in privately say how coarse they find it. The saving grace is the dinner that follows.
Why are we so easily swayed to accept the “bad” & and the “unacceptable” even by our own standards? And convince ourselves that all is alright!
My daughter and I were watching Noddy on the TV. All toy town people had just collected a bagful of berries and the toy-town baddies had sneaked around and stolen them. Noddy and the policeman Mr. Plod were after them. Finally they catch up with the baddies. Noddy shouts at them to return the berries. The baddies shout back that they will not only not return the berries but Noddy can’t make them give it back; then, they had stolen the berries “fair & square” and therefore the berries now belonged to them by right.
What beautiful logic! I was amused to see the resemblance to real life in this conversation. I go to the park with my child everyday and allow other children to play with the ball I carry with me. So the ball is either in play with some kid or the other or just lying there somewhere. Some time ago an old lady picked it up and kept it in her lap. I was watching her but did not say anything; later when it was time to go home I went to her and asked for the ball. She wasn’t very keen to return it thinking of it as an abandoned ball. I had to explain to her that I let other kids play but it was mine. She did give it back but not happily. Then some days ago when I was not looking, somebody took it away and I have not seen it since.
Now what was I to think? Why are we so keen to appropriate goods not belonging to us even if it is abandoned? You remember the story of the lamb drinking water at a stream and the wolf comes to him and says that he was dirtying the water for him. But the water is flowing downstream to me says the lamb. Oh that does not matter says the wolf; I am going to eat you anyway. “Any excuse will do”.
How easily we convince ourselves and concoct up proof to support our thoughts and thinking process to our advantage. We all know what is good and bad, correct and incorrect, right and wrong; that is by our society’s standards but yet when it is in our self-interest we look the other way without any qualm of conscience. It is not surprising that even after thousands of years of education, humanity still supports the evil in our nature and it is more in evidence than the good that we preach.
I would definitely like to know what in our nature and way of thinking makes us so. All of us read and expound sacred texts. We are regular goers to places of worship. We attend congregations for listening to advanced souls. We have prayers meetings at home and dutifully promote chanting and gatherings but for some reason all this remains acutely as part of other curricular activities. The philosophies we profess never become part of our active life and do not even scratch the surfaces of our real natures. Are we hard skinned or so insincere in our basic core that nothing can touch us our souls?
We do live a charade. One of the most horrific displays of this nature is the pious and virtuous show we put up in the form of artificial temples and copies of places of pilgrimages and the recent fashion of Chowki platforms to sing the praise of our Gods. The ridiculous is taken to an extreme with the populace rushing for Darshan and a glimpse of the Lord. The statues that are displayed are horrifyingly ugly; the singing is in bad taste by second rate artists and the volumes are designed to shatter all the glasses around. In some performances real theatrical groups are involved which is disgusting and a downright insult to any dignified “show” – definitely nothing Godly and what God would come in these surroundings? It is so downright a display of human stupidity and its ability to pull wool over its own eyes. The worst is that nobody has the courage to speak up although many in privately say how coarse they find it. The saving grace is the dinner that follows.
Why are we so easily swayed to accept the “bad” & and the “unacceptable” even by our own standards? And convince ourselves that all is alright!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Relief from Anxiety,Depression, Stress
Relief from Anxiety/panic attacks, Depression and Stress
All humans are neither created in the same fabric nor brought up in the same way. Some can take the stress of life calmly because it is already built-in in their inherent nature; others who are more introspective are baffled by the complexities of life and behaviors of others. Their basic natures are trusting, kind and loving. The world unfortunately does not respond kindly to their "soft" nature but always attempts to take advantage of. A "nice" person is always seen as easy meat.If you are looking for relief from all the pressures around you need to first understand that the world cannot be changed. But you can create a buffer zone around you. You need to understand also what is at play and then find in yourself the strength which is already there to create a small world of your own in which only you are you and welcome and which will act as an island of refuge for you.We cannot always change our patterns but by changing some of our activities we can create new paths in our brain’s way of handling things. Try sometimes the concept of De-stressing through Drawing/Coloring with pastel Crayons/Painting in Oil. It is simply impossible to be unhappy with colors in your life. Left to themselves, most humans would go on masturbating with their own morbid thoughts. So they have to be weaned away. The ego of a person will resist so the job has to be done gently. Landscapes with pleasant forms and all elemental natural ingredients in it serve well in this regardAvoid stressed out people.Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”.And learn to relax by any means that you like, find convinient. Things that help you learn are always the best as they enhance the future quality of life.Read more detailed activity report at:http://sites.google.com/site/anxietydepressionstressrelief/
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Letting go
Let go and let live
This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.
Here is one of the conversations:
Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?
My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.
Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.
Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.
The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.
First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?
It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.
I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.
It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.
The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.
What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!
This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.
Here is one of the conversations:
Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?
My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.
Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.
Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.
The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.
First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?
It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.
I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.
It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.
The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.
What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Mending relationships
MENDING RELATIONSHIPS
A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best of times.
It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.
Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.
Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give irritating rashes.
I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.
Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly presumptuous!
Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture. Things are now cool and contented between us.
There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.
A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best of times.
It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.
Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.
Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give irritating rashes.
I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.
Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly presumptuous!
Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture. Things are now cool and contented between us.
There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.
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