The Case for Taciturnity
Now that my baby is over one year old, I receive instructions from all including my doctor to focus on teaching my child to articulate words and communicate in a spoken language that we understand. I am asked to repeat certain words and commands so that the child learns faster and we may be able to communicate more easily with the child. Every time we meet a friend or relative, the first question that is posed is “Has she started to speak? Which words can she speak now? Does she say mama, papa? Then their focus switches on to the baby and they start asking her “Where is your nose? Show me your nose?”
What in the name of heaven is the hurry? I have never really understood the need to bring speech so hurriedly and in such quantity and intensity in our lives. The stress on speech and talking is rather exaggerated considering the exchanges I see happening around me. I say that the time has come to consider this factor and stress a little on taciturnity. Let’s bring a little silence in our lives.
As far as the child is concerned, she is already picking up so much from her surroundings that we are amazed at her ability to sponge in. She is communicating perfectly and we understand her. We are acting as gardeners. We are not trying to push the plant into over-growing itself by speeding the process.
I am prompted to pen these lines from two glaring inconveniences that have become part of lives. One is the honking. More often than not there is no reason to honk that I can see of. The red light becomes green and the guy behind me honks; as if I am there for a group meditation session. The taxi that the neighbor has called arrives and the entire neighborhood is regaled with a strident shock of horn blasting. A car is passing though and the thought that the driver’s path may be blocked by seeing another vehicle far away makes them honk; it seems as if any shadow is trigger enough to merit a blast from the driver.
What we need to realize is that this is one method of speech. We are using the horn as an extension of our communicating ability; notwithstanding the fact that we are fully aware of the inconvenience, irritation and noise that we are creating around us because we are in our own turn also at the receiving end from others. But like a baby’s bawls, we insist on being heard and having our way.
The second is the mobile phone. I am just amazed at the continuous talking I see around us. How much can we have to say? Don’t these people get tired of talking? After all, where is all this energy that goes into speech coming from? It has been conclusively proven that talking on the mobile is dangerous when driving but are we able to desist? We go into theatres to enjoy a play, a movie or a music program but keep the mobile phone on. Being connected has become an addiction. Our callousness is so great that we will not stop from disturbing everybody else around us. I suppose we feel that our importance is greater that the other guy’s. Our call needs to be attended to without fail because our importance is simply immeasurable!
When we talk incessantly, don’t we become a bore? Voltaire said: “The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” This reminds me of a poem that we had in our school and which affected me deeply. It went something like this: “I told her all, I told my all, love that told cannot be………… and then came a stranger, and took her with a sigh.”
Well I refuse to fall in line. I will not blow my horn if I can help it. I will not speed up if it seems dangerous to me. And I will not give you my mobile phone number because I use it only when I am out of the house to stay connected with my mum. And anyway when I am out of my workplace, I am either driving or busy in something else so I would not be interested in talking and be distracted and disturbed. I also follow the rule that visitors will have to shut off the phone at my place as I am not interested in seeing them doing their business while I sit there like a fool watching them; on call to them when they are free to do so!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Mating ilemma
THE MATING DILEMMA
There is so much talk of marital discord nowadays. Every journal or TV program is discussing it. My view is that I do not see any special discord that we do not have in our every day lives that necessitates a special name. It is the same old clash of two desire entities that we encounter everyday, everywhere and with everyone, each wanting its own way to the exclusion of consideration for the other. Selfishness and self-centeredness are part of the gifts endowed us by nature and it is my point of view that men and women are not really designed to live together.
Marriage is team-work and this is an acquired trait which has to be learnt and practiced with serious intent. Of course, we complement each other but most of us would be equally happy living alone, content in our own selfish balloons. Modern life has made that dream a real possibility and all are aware of it but there is a big BUT.
Our genes and hormones have a potent force of their own. Destiny which is still running our lives, we may accept it or not, keeps us throwing into contact with attractive people of the opposite sex which gets the desire centers humming. But marriage cannot be an excuse for a romp in bed; anyway as if it matters, even legally or anyone cares. So why the farce?
The Ying and Yang principle is at work in nature. Opposites coexist and attract each other. Observe closely and you will see that by some quirk of fate, every couple is a pairing of two people with opposite tendencies. The Law of Creation takes us to our next level of evolution by the effort we put in to live with each other. We are each other’s teachers.
Clashes will be but we have to learn to see both the ends of the argument and learn to go beyond the obvious and mundane, for there are always some common points of appui as well. The Creator has used the sexual energy well. There is a lure here which serves a dynamic purpose. It keeps repopulating the Mother earth and also helps in realizing the merger of the opposite sides of the same coin in the form of two individuals. It should be best seen as a spiritual discipline.
At the other end of the spectrum is the fact that we cannot all make our bread, tailor our clothes, make our shoes, construct our house and make our cars; so we need other people in our lives. In extension we therefore need a society and if we wish to live within this society, the word teaming-up again appears and we have to accept certain confinements. Therefore it is plain to all to see that life is a huge compromise after all. It’s so galling!
The BUT I was talking about makes its splash here. We are on our best behavior most of the time; continuously adjusting to the pressures of people and circumstances. BUT the moment we cross the threshold of our homes, we find it difficult to make the same compromises in our marriages willingly with a singing heart. Why? It is very well and facile to live when we make short contacts and all go home at the end of the day to our own watering holes, alone in our comfort zones; with the option to keep or break a relationship if we wish to. In marriage we have to be with the same person day in and day out for ever and ever with no respite. Readjustments are in order.
It seems as if the partners are forever saying “Be reasonable. Do it my way”. This when coupled with a tendency to overbear is a formula for disaster. At the back of the mind there is always the dormant thought that we can always part which is no help at all. I belong to the old school. No divorce for me; so a mutually acceptable path has to be found and if there are children from the marriage, no possibility of exit at all. Something was started and it has to be finished. We made our bed and now we need to lie in it. Do we have a right to hurt the person we brought home or run away from the responsibility of raising our children? I wish lawmakers would go back to the old ways and put it into act soon. The effort that has now gone out of relationships would reappear and so much frustration and pain needlessly imposed by humans on themselves could be avoided.
There are even impossible demands when the partners are taken for granted. We need to wake up from this dream. The solution would have been in the compromise attitude but to this we are not prepared to concede. Very good reasons are cited and all very tangible and real. Everything is taken into consideration except the fact that the first point of law is that the marriage has to be maintained at all costs as a garden of joy. It is our marriage and our life. Everything else pales into insignificance. So discord is inevitable unless we are prepared to let go a bit and cross over into the other’s camp and live for the other person. This is said for both men and women and has to be a concerted effort. Personally I find this idea so wonderful. My life is no more a closed box. I let somebody in and a close partnership begins with of course an absolute interdependence. I am not afraid any more of the big bad wolf. This is the beginning of happiness. I do lose a bit of the “I” but win the world. Putting up one’s feet is such a pleasure. We did marry for the small comforts of married life, did we not?
We live much harried lives. What we think, feel and speak about are never the same things. We are hiding so much. There is an accepted perverse insincerity practiced at all moments and at every level of our existence. In the outer world where every man is for himself and wolf eat wolf is the situation, there is much to be said for a bit of charade and hiding away. But, in a marriage? Marriage has to be seen in the light of the common man’s yogic/spiritual journey. It is, whatever you may argue, an evolutionary process in which both the parties including children grow into more matured beings. When you see it in this light, you have to allow the barriers to fall and sincerity has to pervade in the home. Thoughts, feelings and the spoken word will need to be in harmony at all times otherwise chaos and clashes will erupt. Lording over is absolutely out. Cleverness is a no-no. At least aim to reach this level. There will be stumblings, yet wherever this spirit of candid bumbling exists, there will be laughter and rarely any quarrels. The human spirit is a forgiving one, whenever, genuinely, honesty is seeping through, joy prevails.
The other factor which I have seen taking a heavy toll of the quiet life in marriages is the poor quality of communication. Poor language use, bad speech habits and worse, inadvertent habits like speaking from distances or changing the place of things and forgetting to tell. We are also plagued by the sense of right and wrong and get irritated in righteous indignation. This indignation turns easily into a scream like a cracker going off without restraint. Always forgetting that how we deal with the everyday world and how we need to deal in our marriage world are two different things. In marriage it is the team not the individual who matters. We forget it to our pain. Lets never forget if the other party is grating on our nerves, then we are no angels. Have we ever tried to find out how we are grating on other people’s nerves?
We are constantly giving out wrong signals. Utter confusion prevails at the best of times. So first we need to begin by listening a bit more and not reacting to every word that one hears. Not only to words bit those intangible sighs as well and those inconsistencies in behavior patterns. Consider that the other person may be thinking aloud or just uttering the wrong words because of other extraneous circumstances and so many other fears and complexes that run amok in our lives.
Just think it over for a while. Forgive and forget if you have been mildly wronged. Show your appreciation often and learn to remain silent in as many languages you can. Along with this attitude, ask for favors and when the other person asks for it, give them. We do make the mistake of asking favors and wanting instant gratification but when the other person asks for something, we are always busy in our own world and cannot grant any. This will not do. Gratitude needs to be cultivated and practiced a bit more. It is rarer than you would think. Especially in small inconsequent things, which are really the ones which swell into tidal waves.
All that is needed is a little shift in our own orientation to our life and partner. Give and give and take some. Rather you will notice you will get without asking and much more than you could have asked for.
There is so much talk of marital discord nowadays. Every journal or TV program is discussing it. My view is that I do not see any special discord that we do not have in our every day lives that necessitates a special name. It is the same old clash of two desire entities that we encounter everyday, everywhere and with everyone, each wanting its own way to the exclusion of consideration for the other. Selfishness and self-centeredness are part of the gifts endowed us by nature and it is my point of view that men and women are not really designed to live together.
Marriage is team-work and this is an acquired trait which has to be learnt and practiced with serious intent. Of course, we complement each other but most of us would be equally happy living alone, content in our own selfish balloons. Modern life has made that dream a real possibility and all are aware of it but there is a big BUT.
Our genes and hormones have a potent force of their own. Destiny which is still running our lives, we may accept it or not, keeps us throwing into contact with attractive people of the opposite sex which gets the desire centers humming. But marriage cannot be an excuse for a romp in bed; anyway as if it matters, even legally or anyone cares. So why the farce?
The Ying and Yang principle is at work in nature. Opposites coexist and attract each other. Observe closely and you will see that by some quirk of fate, every couple is a pairing of two people with opposite tendencies. The Law of Creation takes us to our next level of evolution by the effort we put in to live with each other. We are each other’s teachers.
Clashes will be but we have to learn to see both the ends of the argument and learn to go beyond the obvious and mundane, for there are always some common points of appui as well. The Creator has used the sexual energy well. There is a lure here which serves a dynamic purpose. It keeps repopulating the Mother earth and also helps in realizing the merger of the opposite sides of the same coin in the form of two individuals. It should be best seen as a spiritual discipline.
At the other end of the spectrum is the fact that we cannot all make our bread, tailor our clothes, make our shoes, construct our house and make our cars; so we need other people in our lives. In extension we therefore need a society and if we wish to live within this society, the word teaming-up again appears and we have to accept certain confinements. Therefore it is plain to all to see that life is a huge compromise after all. It’s so galling!
The BUT I was talking about makes its splash here. We are on our best behavior most of the time; continuously adjusting to the pressures of people and circumstances. BUT the moment we cross the threshold of our homes, we find it difficult to make the same compromises in our marriages willingly with a singing heart. Why? It is very well and facile to live when we make short contacts and all go home at the end of the day to our own watering holes, alone in our comfort zones; with the option to keep or break a relationship if we wish to. In marriage we have to be with the same person day in and day out for ever and ever with no respite. Readjustments are in order.
It seems as if the partners are forever saying “Be reasonable. Do it my way”. This when coupled with a tendency to overbear is a formula for disaster. At the back of the mind there is always the dormant thought that we can always part which is no help at all. I belong to the old school. No divorce for me; so a mutually acceptable path has to be found and if there are children from the marriage, no possibility of exit at all. Something was started and it has to be finished. We made our bed and now we need to lie in it. Do we have a right to hurt the person we brought home or run away from the responsibility of raising our children? I wish lawmakers would go back to the old ways and put it into act soon. The effort that has now gone out of relationships would reappear and so much frustration and pain needlessly imposed by humans on themselves could be avoided.
There are even impossible demands when the partners are taken for granted. We need to wake up from this dream. The solution would have been in the compromise attitude but to this we are not prepared to concede. Very good reasons are cited and all very tangible and real. Everything is taken into consideration except the fact that the first point of law is that the marriage has to be maintained at all costs as a garden of joy. It is our marriage and our life. Everything else pales into insignificance. So discord is inevitable unless we are prepared to let go a bit and cross over into the other’s camp and live for the other person. This is said for both men and women and has to be a concerted effort. Personally I find this idea so wonderful. My life is no more a closed box. I let somebody in and a close partnership begins with of course an absolute interdependence. I am not afraid any more of the big bad wolf. This is the beginning of happiness. I do lose a bit of the “I” but win the world. Putting up one’s feet is such a pleasure. We did marry for the small comforts of married life, did we not?
We live much harried lives. What we think, feel and speak about are never the same things. We are hiding so much. There is an accepted perverse insincerity practiced at all moments and at every level of our existence. In the outer world where every man is for himself and wolf eat wolf is the situation, there is much to be said for a bit of charade and hiding away. But, in a marriage? Marriage has to be seen in the light of the common man’s yogic/spiritual journey. It is, whatever you may argue, an evolutionary process in which both the parties including children grow into more matured beings. When you see it in this light, you have to allow the barriers to fall and sincerity has to pervade in the home. Thoughts, feelings and the spoken word will need to be in harmony at all times otherwise chaos and clashes will erupt. Lording over is absolutely out. Cleverness is a no-no. At least aim to reach this level. There will be stumblings, yet wherever this spirit of candid bumbling exists, there will be laughter and rarely any quarrels. The human spirit is a forgiving one, whenever, genuinely, honesty is seeping through, joy prevails.
The other factor which I have seen taking a heavy toll of the quiet life in marriages is the poor quality of communication. Poor language use, bad speech habits and worse, inadvertent habits like speaking from distances or changing the place of things and forgetting to tell. We are also plagued by the sense of right and wrong and get irritated in righteous indignation. This indignation turns easily into a scream like a cracker going off without restraint. Always forgetting that how we deal with the everyday world and how we need to deal in our marriage world are two different things. In marriage it is the team not the individual who matters. We forget it to our pain. Lets never forget if the other party is grating on our nerves, then we are no angels. Have we ever tried to find out how we are grating on other people’s nerves?
We are constantly giving out wrong signals. Utter confusion prevails at the best of times. So first we need to begin by listening a bit more and not reacting to every word that one hears. Not only to words bit those intangible sighs as well and those inconsistencies in behavior patterns. Consider that the other person may be thinking aloud or just uttering the wrong words because of other extraneous circumstances and so many other fears and complexes that run amok in our lives.
Just think it over for a while. Forgive and forget if you have been mildly wronged. Show your appreciation often and learn to remain silent in as many languages you can. Along with this attitude, ask for favors and when the other person asks for it, give them. We do make the mistake of asking favors and wanting instant gratification but when the other person asks for something, we are always busy in our own world and cannot grant any. This will not do. Gratitude needs to be cultivated and practiced a bit more. It is rarer than you would think. Especially in small inconsequent things, which are really the ones which swell into tidal waves.
All that is needed is a little shift in our own orientation to our life and partner. Give and give and take some. Rather you will notice you will get without asking and much more than you could have asked for.
Friday, October 24, 2008
When to scold
On this Q: Today I scolded the watchman of my building very badly he was not switching on the water pump..Later when I saw his eyes they were full of tears .Have always tried talking politely with him but he has always taken me for granted today i scolded so finally he switched it on..What is the ideal way? I am not able to judge whatever which I did today was the right attitude or not .
My response:
The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is first true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took all of you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was being given a lot of margin of error in his actions and that you were all being nice to him. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.
This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She will never let show her true feelings. She will keep silent and let others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approx after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her since ages that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.
Some fault for this situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are taught that good manners are better than being true and clear. So of course, there is a gap between what we want to and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.
We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see. Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, precisely the action and attitude to take at any given moment.
Then there are a lot of judgmental people and for them I had written an article sometime ago of which I repeat some passages:
Have you noticed how some people can speak their part only in outbursts of some kind? They would be otherwise nice, sane people going about their lives in a circular routine that they have built around themselves. Yet, under their calm exterior there is always some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing quietly which, keeps them perpetually irritated about something or the other.
I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.
So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.
My response:
The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is first true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took all of you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was being given a lot of margin of error in his actions and that you were all being nice to him. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.
This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She will never let show her true feelings. She will keep silent and let others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approx after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her since ages that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.
Some fault for this situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are taught that good manners are better than being true and clear. So of course, there is a gap between what we want to and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.
We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see. Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, precisely the action and attitude to take at any given moment.
Then there are a lot of judgmental people and for them I had written an article sometime ago of which I repeat some passages:
Have you noticed how some people can speak their part only in outbursts of some kind? They would be otherwise nice, sane people going about their lives in a circular routine that they have built around themselves. Yet, under their calm exterior there is always some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing quietly which, keeps them perpetually irritated about something or the other.
I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.
So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.
Monday, October 20, 2008
To Flower or remain in the bud.
COMFORT ZONE.
There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.
How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.
My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.
Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?
Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.
Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?
This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.
There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.
How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.
My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.
Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?
Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.
Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?
This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Turning Point
Turning Point
ON BEING ASKED: There comes a moment in life when everything changes for you. You start seeing the world with fresh eyes. It is as if you have jumped out of yourself and acquired a whole new persona. It is like the caterpillar growing wings and turning into the butterfly.
Have you experienced such a turning point in your life?
MY REPLY:
Well, to be honest nothing of the kind ever happened to me although I have heard it happening. My life began in an Ashram ( Sri Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry). But yes one little thing stands out. I was given a book by The Mother of the ashram when I was sixteen. At that age I read it but the words and the word pictures were not conveying much. The words were understood but not their implication. Specially one sentence stood out......... " Then you will see that the world is standing upside down." Of course I could see that every one as on their legs quite upright then what was She saying. The sentence was at the back of my mind and has been. Gradually as life unfolded, I could see that people were lying left, right and centre; very often for no reason. I wondered if this is what Mother meant. Then I realised that people are maintaining a facade. They wish to be seen as honest, hardworking, sincere, capable etc. While in their heart they were looking for shortcuts, were totally insincere and insecure about themselves as they knew well that the qualities they were expecting others to see in them were not there. They knew well that they were living a charade but simply did not have the guts to live otherwise. What an upside down way to live?!
My own experience of life is that we are most of the time playing chess within our lives for no reason. For example when I was 10 or so, some boys wanted to steal mangoes. In the very first try we got caught. I decided then and there that there is no value in this cat and mouse game. Next time I wanted a mango, I just went and asked the owner and he gave me one! Similarly, I see people fibbing on the telephone. The cell phone has made this even more imperative. First I see that everyone wants to be connected but when they do get a call, specially from somebody they do not want to talk to, they play games such as saying they in the traffic, or make funny noises and shut the phone off or just keep on saying hullo many times as if they are not getting any signal from the other party. Why i ask myself are people complicating their lives so much?
I can give other examples but I am sure you would have got the gist.
I laugh when I see people hungry and lusting after the opposite sex, running after them in frenzy with all their guile and means at their disposal; then considering themselves lucky to have gotten their prize in marriage only to realise later that it was no Happy Ever After deal at all. But they go through the motions of being happily married and reiterate their love as and when required and dedicate their lives to their children who are tiring them out, totally unhappy with their lot. For argument's sake let me admit there are exceptions & luckily this may not be wholly true with all but there is an element of truth in it in a big way as the soul which gives life to our existence is never happy with all this waste of emotional energy and time in keeping up appearances.
The same can be seen in the jobs they hold; proud to be what they are or at least they make a show of it with full awareness that they are a nobody, a cog in a big wheel, totally replaceable. Look at the possessions they have; they collect and collect goods around them and soon tire of them or want something better but in company or even to themselves would be loathe to admit that they are not entirely happy with their lot. The hollowness of our lives shows very clearly in our collection of acquaintances and the friends we make. Life's needs and social necessities force us to behave totally contrary to our nature. The show of camaraderie is faked and tiresome but we go along because we dare not otherwise.
If this is not living upside down, then what is?
ON BEING ASKED: There comes a moment in life when everything changes for you. You start seeing the world with fresh eyes. It is as if you have jumped out of yourself and acquired a whole new persona. It is like the caterpillar growing wings and turning into the butterfly.
Have you experienced such a turning point in your life?
MY REPLY:
Well, to be honest nothing of the kind ever happened to me although I have heard it happening. My life began in an Ashram ( Sri Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry). But yes one little thing stands out. I was given a book by The Mother of the ashram when I was sixteen. At that age I read it but the words and the word pictures were not conveying much. The words were understood but not their implication. Specially one sentence stood out......... " Then you will see that the world is standing upside down." Of course I could see that every one as on their legs quite upright then what was She saying. The sentence was at the back of my mind and has been. Gradually as life unfolded, I could see that people were lying left, right and centre; very often for no reason. I wondered if this is what Mother meant. Then I realised that people are maintaining a facade. They wish to be seen as honest, hardworking, sincere, capable etc. While in their heart they were looking for shortcuts, were totally insincere and insecure about themselves as they knew well that the qualities they were expecting others to see in them were not there. They knew well that they were living a charade but simply did not have the guts to live otherwise. What an upside down way to live?!
My own experience of life is that we are most of the time playing chess within our lives for no reason. For example when I was 10 or so, some boys wanted to steal mangoes. In the very first try we got caught. I decided then and there that there is no value in this cat and mouse game. Next time I wanted a mango, I just went and asked the owner and he gave me one! Similarly, I see people fibbing on the telephone. The cell phone has made this even more imperative. First I see that everyone wants to be connected but when they do get a call, specially from somebody they do not want to talk to, they play games such as saying they in the traffic, or make funny noises and shut the phone off or just keep on saying hullo many times as if they are not getting any signal from the other party. Why i ask myself are people complicating their lives so much?
I can give other examples but I am sure you would have got the gist.
I laugh when I see people hungry and lusting after the opposite sex, running after them in frenzy with all their guile and means at their disposal; then considering themselves lucky to have gotten their prize in marriage only to realise later that it was no Happy Ever After deal at all. But they go through the motions of being happily married and reiterate their love as and when required and dedicate their lives to their children who are tiring them out, totally unhappy with their lot. For argument's sake let me admit there are exceptions & luckily this may not be wholly true with all but there is an element of truth in it in a big way as the soul which gives life to our existence is never happy with all this waste of emotional energy and time in keeping up appearances.
The same can be seen in the jobs they hold; proud to be what they are or at least they make a show of it with full awareness that they are a nobody, a cog in a big wheel, totally replaceable. Look at the possessions they have; they collect and collect goods around them and soon tire of them or want something better but in company or even to themselves would be loathe to admit that they are not entirely happy with their lot. The hollowness of our lives shows very clearly in our collection of acquaintances and the friends we make. Life's needs and social necessities force us to behave totally contrary to our nature. The show of camaraderie is faked and tiresome but we go along because we dare not otherwise.
If this is not living upside down, then what is?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Corporate lawyers and what they do
CORPORATE LAWYERS AND WHAT THEY DO
The other day I had the refreshing opportunity to meet a young man aspiring to be a corporate lawyer. As a career how true does it hold for the Indian condition?
Till recently, from what I can see, the Indian corporations had not been allowed to go international and therefore remained small or fairly large entities with a controlling structure firmly in the hands of a patriarch or a small bunch of a family. The whims and fancies of the chief resulted in the decisions that the corporation then followed. The mind set was feudal and the management even more so. Nothing was straightforward. What the corporation purported to be doing and what it actually did to make a killing were two entirely different things. The Chartered accountant who knew what was going on would paint the correct picture for public consumption. The balance sheet would show red or black as the chief decided the need of the moment demanded and that was that. A public company was even more rampantly badly managed as the share holders were the final losers.
All companies were playing on the governments controls. The interest rates were high and monopolies were more the rule than the exception. The profit margins were high and clean business unheard of. In this scenario I would have failed to see a corporate lawyer making any headway. The companies would invest half their money in manufacturing or trading as shown on paper. The other half would be invested in other companies doing well for some reason or the other or in land. Fixed deposits would fetch up to 18% per annum. A profit that is difficult to achieve even by well managed companies today. Supplier’s payments would be delayed as long as possible so that interest could be earned on the amount and that would help the company keep financially afloat. All rules and laws were observed in the breaking more or less; the fear of the law taking speedily its course hardly being a deterrent.
The legal system of India with its tortoise speed actually encourages breaking of economic laws. Businesses actually want to go to court. Keeping arguments sub judice is in their interest. This way they can continue holding on to funds that does not belong to them or supply substandard products and services at favorable margins. When the time comes of a settlement it is done out of court. By then, in the interweaving years which may be anything from 10 to 20 years, the company has doubled or tripled its capital base by earning interest on the blocked capital. It even tempts the corporations to edge over to take criminal risks.
The activities are rarely illegal per se but highly unethical nevertheless. The corporate lawyer as I can see in the present context can only be a paid executive of the company doing nearly the same as any lawyer working independently. The only difference being that he becomes a specialist for that corporation’s activities. Still the question remains if he will ever get a chance to become an advisor and policy maker because that is where the actual fun is. Often the owners of the company play on the vanities of younger people to win their trust and promote them to director levels; they become unknowingly fronts for the owner and worse, get caught in the criminal net!
The opening of the economy has brought a different culture. A culture of a corporation working by certain principles laid down by the board is not exactly new to India but now is becoming quite accepted. All the international MNCs that have opened shop are bringing a whiff of some unknown managing customs. Good for us! In this change of managing methods, there is of course a place for the corporate lawyer. But gain I ask a question. In India where the legal system remains out of tune to the exigencies of the time, how much can a corporate lawyer really do? And if he will not be allowed to do much, is there a career in it? A corporate lawyer is at best a management expert with knowledge of the law for the time being and for some time it will remain so.
The answer is elsewhere. It is in the Law firms which are fast becoming a force worth emulation and aping. They act as consultants to corporations and also take their cases to court. The corporation’s prefer to pay them a consultancy and get expert advice and support rather then depend on untried employees with no chance to broaden their scope of experience in a small enclosed environment. The corporate lawyer is really coming into his own in these law firms.
While we are on the subject, why not think International? With international trade growing and corporations from other countries active here and vice versa, here is fodder for the next generation as long as they are not influenced mainly by the vision of a high profile life as seen in the movies and TV serials coming to us from the western countries where the jet-set corporate lawyer is a power to reckon with. He not only knows the law but also assists the corporations to walk the fine fence of “just legal”. He carries a lot of prestige and even political clout as he holds a place nobody else can boast of in the hierarchy of the corporation. He is the only one who understands and often the only one privy to the complete picture. Of course the position then gives him huge corporate benefits such as limos and secretaries with his own jet and what not.
If only life could be restricted to such glamorous visions!
The other day I had the refreshing opportunity to meet a young man aspiring to be a corporate lawyer. As a career how true does it hold for the Indian condition?
Till recently, from what I can see, the Indian corporations had not been allowed to go international and therefore remained small or fairly large entities with a controlling structure firmly in the hands of a patriarch or a small bunch of a family. The whims and fancies of the chief resulted in the decisions that the corporation then followed. The mind set was feudal and the management even more so. Nothing was straightforward. What the corporation purported to be doing and what it actually did to make a killing were two entirely different things. The Chartered accountant who knew what was going on would paint the correct picture for public consumption. The balance sheet would show red or black as the chief decided the need of the moment demanded and that was that. A public company was even more rampantly badly managed as the share holders were the final losers.
All companies were playing on the governments controls. The interest rates were high and monopolies were more the rule than the exception. The profit margins were high and clean business unheard of. In this scenario I would have failed to see a corporate lawyer making any headway. The companies would invest half their money in manufacturing or trading as shown on paper. The other half would be invested in other companies doing well for some reason or the other or in land. Fixed deposits would fetch up to 18% per annum. A profit that is difficult to achieve even by well managed companies today. Supplier’s payments would be delayed as long as possible so that interest could be earned on the amount and that would help the company keep financially afloat. All rules and laws were observed in the breaking more or less; the fear of the law taking speedily its course hardly being a deterrent.
The legal system of India with its tortoise speed actually encourages breaking of economic laws. Businesses actually want to go to court. Keeping arguments sub judice is in their interest. This way they can continue holding on to funds that does not belong to them or supply substandard products and services at favorable margins. When the time comes of a settlement it is done out of court. By then, in the interweaving years which may be anything from 10 to 20 years, the company has doubled or tripled its capital base by earning interest on the blocked capital. It even tempts the corporations to edge over to take criminal risks.
The activities are rarely illegal per se but highly unethical nevertheless. The corporate lawyer as I can see in the present context can only be a paid executive of the company doing nearly the same as any lawyer working independently. The only difference being that he becomes a specialist for that corporation’s activities. Still the question remains if he will ever get a chance to become an advisor and policy maker because that is where the actual fun is. Often the owners of the company play on the vanities of younger people to win their trust and promote them to director levels; they become unknowingly fronts for the owner and worse, get caught in the criminal net!
The opening of the economy has brought a different culture. A culture of a corporation working by certain principles laid down by the board is not exactly new to India but now is becoming quite accepted. All the international MNCs that have opened shop are bringing a whiff of some unknown managing customs. Good for us! In this change of managing methods, there is of course a place for the corporate lawyer. But gain I ask a question. In India where the legal system remains out of tune to the exigencies of the time, how much can a corporate lawyer really do? And if he will not be allowed to do much, is there a career in it? A corporate lawyer is at best a management expert with knowledge of the law for the time being and for some time it will remain so.
The answer is elsewhere. It is in the Law firms which are fast becoming a force worth emulation and aping. They act as consultants to corporations and also take their cases to court. The corporation’s prefer to pay them a consultancy and get expert advice and support rather then depend on untried employees with no chance to broaden their scope of experience in a small enclosed environment. The corporate lawyer is really coming into his own in these law firms.
While we are on the subject, why not think International? With international trade growing and corporations from other countries active here and vice versa, here is fodder for the next generation as long as they are not influenced mainly by the vision of a high profile life as seen in the movies and TV serials coming to us from the western countries where the jet-set corporate lawyer is a power to reckon with. He not only knows the law but also assists the corporations to walk the fine fence of “just legal”. He carries a lot of prestige and even political clout as he holds a place nobody else can boast of in the hierarchy of the corporation. He is the only one who understands and often the only one privy to the complete picture. Of course the position then gives him huge corporate benefits such as limos and secretaries with his own jet and what not.
If only life could be restricted to such glamorous visions!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Too Much is being said
Beethoven’s Pastoral.
Have you heard Beethoven’s Pastoral? It is piece of quiet melody with a lot of power. It takes you back to the slower times a few centuries ago when the choices were limited and so were the topics of conversation and the number of people you could talk to. People did not read and write and the conversation was limited to one’s very personal surroundings such as hunting, dogs, local skirmishes and gossips, the weather and stories. Life was slow paced and keeping one’s counsel was more the norm. Silence was known and appreciated. One can still get this experience if one can find a quiet spot in the lap of nature where mechanical advancements of the last 200 years have not made an appearance.
In contrast we are today inundated with the incessant noise and the continuous bandying of words. Everybody has so much to say. Everybody knows so much and understands so little; this is the crux. We are surrounded by second-hand information and wisdom and we are actively perpetuating it as our own. The Media is serving us wisdom on a platter and there is always something to talk about. We quote great Gurus and sound erudite. It is all so superficial. It is the germ which goes into making of intellectual snobs. These are intelligent people, good with words and supremely nubile in connecting individual words to other related words in a continuous stream of sentences which is unending. It is also a word-wall which hides the real person. It is also a dead give-away to lack of depth; we see this in others and yet do not believe for a moment that we ourselves could be afflicted.
I have noticed two trends. One how everyone talks assuming that the other is a total ignoramus, two how speedily faults are found in the statements of others; as if superciliousness is in fashion.
We are so busy pouncing on words, we fail to give ourselves time to go behind the meaning of the whole sentence or paragraph.Of course, taken in isolation, any meaning can be attributed to any statement. The mind is playing with the words and not using them for what they are: vehicles to pass on the images from one mind to another. The result is a lot of conversation yet little is said. I have a firm belief, things should be said when there is a live "QUESTION" necessating or/and demanding an answer!Otherwise there is a lot of noise made, many words written which are not paid attention to and soon forgotten. I think we humans need to learn to conserve our energies in this domain.Of course there is this need to expand the mind and this can be done only by extensive reading and listening to others. To begin all this info and knowledge is certainly necessary.The importance cannot be estimated in words and figures. All begins here. But some people take this collecting of info as the wisdom itself and lose their way.So we need to be on our guard otherwise we shall be counting the trees and miss the forest.
Another aspect of our lives is the extent of exposure an individual gets. What kind of lives do people live on the average? A very small world indeed! It is my experience that very few people are able to actually connect with most of the words and ideas represented. For most it will be a lot of beautiful sounding theories with little or no connectivity with their personal thoughts and experiences. At best it can be an intellectual exercise; what can be called “poetic gymnastics”.Your experiences when put into words cannot wholly transfer the whole images and pictures that are stamped in your memory; therefore even though you may be using commonly understood words, the end result is not always evident. You may even see the eyes going blank.
Which brings me to another pet peeve; too much is being told! There is a limit to how much can be safely told and said. Wisdom and knowledge is gathered in stages. Every piece of info is now available in books and on the internet. I suppose everyone wants to be heard and feels that he has much to say. But there is wisdom also in considering if, the recipient is ready; this is a kind of knowledge which I feel should not be given out to all and sundry. They would not know its value. Rather if misunderstood and the chances are very high, they might even harm themselves.
My belief is firm in the harm the unbridled use of the spoken and written word is causing. Take for instance Depression. Every morning morbid pieces of heart churning news is published in the dailies and often repeated on the TV with lurid pictures. In general it has a depressive effect. It also creates unknown fears; then why do we continue with it? And worse, we make it available 24 hrs, day in and day out. How will the knowledge that a plane went down in Russia, Britney is having baby or that a politician’s son has taken an overdose of cocaine help me understand the world and myself better and improve my life and sort?
Recently I had a conversation with someone who was sad and thinking of suicide. She was maintaining her level of sadness by harboring and focusing on her morbid thoughts. Instead of trying to engage the mind elsewhere she was feeding her mind by delving on the subject in everyway she could. One of this was by listening to songs that would revive the sad moments. This is what I had to say to her: Because you are sensitive to "words", not to listen to anything with words in it. Specially love songs and such, as these would tend to revive dormant memories and sadness/nostalgia. Don’t listen even to instrumental versions of the songs that bring words to your mind.Stick to pure music and you will see this will bring a change.Words are there to help us see and go beyond our own limitations but every time we go out to disseminate info, I think we should also consider this question “Is it useful, Is there a need for it here, because the problem is in showing to others what they are not trained or ready to see?
Have you heard Beethoven’s Pastoral? It is piece of quiet melody with a lot of power. It takes you back to the slower times a few centuries ago when the choices were limited and so were the topics of conversation and the number of people you could talk to. People did not read and write and the conversation was limited to one’s very personal surroundings such as hunting, dogs, local skirmishes and gossips, the weather and stories. Life was slow paced and keeping one’s counsel was more the norm. Silence was known and appreciated. One can still get this experience if one can find a quiet spot in the lap of nature where mechanical advancements of the last 200 years have not made an appearance.
In contrast we are today inundated with the incessant noise and the continuous bandying of words. Everybody has so much to say. Everybody knows so much and understands so little; this is the crux. We are surrounded by second-hand information and wisdom and we are actively perpetuating it as our own. The Media is serving us wisdom on a platter and there is always something to talk about. We quote great Gurus and sound erudite. It is all so superficial. It is the germ which goes into making of intellectual snobs. These are intelligent people, good with words and supremely nubile in connecting individual words to other related words in a continuous stream of sentences which is unending. It is also a word-wall which hides the real person. It is also a dead give-away to lack of depth; we see this in others and yet do not believe for a moment that we ourselves could be afflicted.
I have noticed two trends. One how everyone talks assuming that the other is a total ignoramus, two how speedily faults are found in the statements of others; as if superciliousness is in fashion.
We are so busy pouncing on words, we fail to give ourselves time to go behind the meaning of the whole sentence or paragraph.Of course, taken in isolation, any meaning can be attributed to any statement. The mind is playing with the words and not using them for what they are: vehicles to pass on the images from one mind to another. The result is a lot of conversation yet little is said. I have a firm belief, things should be said when there is a live "QUESTION" necessating or/and demanding an answer!Otherwise there is a lot of noise made, many words written which are not paid attention to and soon forgotten. I think we humans need to learn to conserve our energies in this domain.Of course there is this need to expand the mind and this can be done only by extensive reading and listening to others. To begin all this info and knowledge is certainly necessary.The importance cannot be estimated in words and figures. All begins here. But some people take this collecting of info as the wisdom itself and lose their way.So we need to be on our guard otherwise we shall be counting the trees and miss the forest.
Another aspect of our lives is the extent of exposure an individual gets. What kind of lives do people live on the average? A very small world indeed! It is my experience that very few people are able to actually connect with most of the words and ideas represented. For most it will be a lot of beautiful sounding theories with little or no connectivity with their personal thoughts and experiences. At best it can be an intellectual exercise; what can be called “poetic gymnastics”.Your experiences when put into words cannot wholly transfer the whole images and pictures that are stamped in your memory; therefore even though you may be using commonly understood words, the end result is not always evident. You may even see the eyes going blank.
Which brings me to another pet peeve; too much is being told! There is a limit to how much can be safely told and said. Wisdom and knowledge is gathered in stages. Every piece of info is now available in books and on the internet. I suppose everyone wants to be heard and feels that he has much to say. But there is wisdom also in considering if, the recipient is ready; this is a kind of knowledge which I feel should not be given out to all and sundry. They would not know its value. Rather if misunderstood and the chances are very high, they might even harm themselves.
My belief is firm in the harm the unbridled use of the spoken and written word is causing. Take for instance Depression. Every morning morbid pieces of heart churning news is published in the dailies and often repeated on the TV with lurid pictures. In general it has a depressive effect. It also creates unknown fears; then why do we continue with it? And worse, we make it available 24 hrs, day in and day out. How will the knowledge that a plane went down in Russia, Britney is having baby or that a politician’s son has taken an overdose of cocaine help me understand the world and myself better and improve my life and sort?
Recently I had a conversation with someone who was sad and thinking of suicide. She was maintaining her level of sadness by harboring and focusing on her morbid thoughts. Instead of trying to engage the mind elsewhere she was feeding her mind by delving on the subject in everyway she could. One of this was by listening to songs that would revive the sad moments. This is what I had to say to her: Because you are sensitive to "words", not to listen to anything with words in it. Specially love songs and such, as these would tend to revive dormant memories and sadness/nostalgia. Don’t listen even to instrumental versions of the songs that bring words to your mind.Stick to pure music and you will see this will bring a change.Words are there to help us see and go beyond our own limitations but every time we go out to disseminate info, I think we should also consider this question “Is it useful, Is there a need for it here, because the problem is in showing to others what they are not trained or ready to see?
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