Taking Notes.
Some reflections have been heavy on my mind lately. With the information-overload and the speed now available to us, this question has taken a serious importance. Some time ago I was reading some Zen writings and one thing that was made clear is the nature of the human mind as a collector. We love to collect things, data, memories and brick-bats. A student asked me why we should not read all that comes to hand and this is what I responded with: The human mind at its present level of development is a collector. It collects data for data's sake. It also feels very knowledgeable and can spout quotes and passages on every subject and considers itself wise. To himself he is awesome and often wonders why others cannot see it this way. Often the ego over inflates and all further seeking stops. The mind takes the mantle of teacher and guide and wherever possible will “control” all around it. But then all this focus on statistical info, data of all sorts, end in attempt to codify and arrange it all in a reasonable pattern; and this blocks it. So read as much as you can but do not end up focusing more on your collection of books than learning from them.
Then this morning I read this quote by Chuck Palahniuk which took my breath away as it confirmed my own reading of making the most of this life given to us: “ The best way to waste your life……is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate.”
I remember something like The Mother of Pondicherry saying that one should act first and think later. In strict opposition the world advises to think before leaping and serious reflection etc. So here was a contradiction in terms. Why are people spending so much time in planning then? Later it became clear. In plans and projects on the worldly plane planning is necessary for correct implementation. The decision taking part is where this reflection comes in; if we reflect too much, then we may never do it. The same applies in personal lives. If we think, plan and debate too long we may end up not doing anything at all. At the spiritual level where I suppose the advice of The Mother is really valid, we then avoid the experience which will bring us wisdom and enlightenment.
There is an age in our lives when we do want to learn and better ourselves. We read, collect quotes and books which go into the drawer/folders and on shelves and never see the light again. We then get busy with our lives, families and other things. Then age begins to catch up. Our collections grow waiting for the right time and free time to catch up with all this. Rarely if at all the time ever comes. The truth then hits us; either we do it now or forget it – the moment is lost forever. What is not put into practice is dead info.
Coming back to the material plane and our day to day existence, tons of goods are lying in stores in homes and offices. Deemed useful and needed at a particular time but later left to rot in a dusty corner; all but forgotten; and what about the people? Most of them are happy with their own selves. Just go behind the words and see things from a higher perspective and you will see that most of them are putting up a worked-up facade to be seen as knowledgeable and virtuous. I firmly believe that when there is not a "live" question, the answers have no meaning. If you see and compare the result of the work of the amount of pragmatic thoughts, guidance and philosophy that is available and being made available thru media of all kinds, one does tend to wonder for a second if it is changing their thinking and acting patterns? Are they applying any of it in their actions and lives? I do not believe they do. Wake-up calls are taken only when a crisis develops.
Thanks & Regards
PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Resolved
Resolved, Signed and Sealed.
Let us see; are we going to take the coming of the New Year as an excuse for revelry or while we have drunk ourselves to the ground we might even take on the onerous task of some introspection which should result in some resolutions to be made. I fear that the resolve to stick to resolutions lasts only up to the second drink. But this is not going to stop every individual who takes the coming of the New Year seriously to make definite resolves, sign it and seal it as a document of great import and intent.
It is another thing that the document maybe trashed in the very first week of the year. Then why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically insincere?
Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it. Look at it with a little compassion and understanding. This is the only time of the year that I get the opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-control. This is the time for fun and one takes what one can. And if to impress her I have to announce some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming to check on me anyway?
Talking about insincerity, I must really take offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a responsible person. I take my job, family and other responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with all the stress all these people create around me. My bosses are screaming for things to be done yesterday and the whole office is under the impression that I am slacker. When I reach home the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I understand that taking care of all the household chores and the three kids can fray the nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in the moolah and go thru the squeezer without complaining so why is she nagging? The whole problem in this life is the lack of understanding I have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh How I wish there was a way around all this? I did spend three nights at the hospital with our son did I not? Does that not count for anything?
Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So after weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke or even a chota peg, am I out of line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss won’t understand the problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ them or choose them but I have to get work out of them. I shout and push but these people are so mule like. God; life is unfair.
Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good farewell party to the year has been organized at the office. After all it is considered auspicious to ring in the New Year on a happy note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey being pushed under my nose, but then this is just once a year and one should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?
Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking, drinking even the occasional type, keep a more reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I will definitely get into the meditation circle in the office and try to see things from a calmer perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop honking and try to overtake me at every bend I could think things over more deeply!! God..this cellphone….am I never to know peace from this infernal instrument.
And then; why focus on my resolutions and change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?
Let us see; are we going to take the coming of the New Year as an excuse for revelry or while we have drunk ourselves to the ground we might even take on the onerous task of some introspection which should result in some resolutions to be made. I fear that the resolve to stick to resolutions lasts only up to the second drink. But this is not going to stop every individual who takes the coming of the New Year seriously to make definite resolves, sign it and seal it as a document of great import and intent.
It is another thing that the document maybe trashed in the very first week of the year. Then why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically insincere?
Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it. Look at it with a little compassion and understanding. This is the only time of the year that I get the opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-control. This is the time for fun and one takes what one can. And if to impress her I have to announce some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming to check on me anyway?
Talking about insincerity, I must really take offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a responsible person. I take my job, family and other responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with all the stress all these people create around me. My bosses are screaming for things to be done yesterday and the whole office is under the impression that I am slacker. When I reach home the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I understand that taking care of all the household chores and the three kids can fray the nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in the moolah and go thru the squeezer without complaining so why is she nagging? The whole problem in this life is the lack of understanding I have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh How I wish there was a way around all this? I did spend three nights at the hospital with our son did I not? Does that not count for anything?
Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So after weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke or even a chota peg, am I out of line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss won’t understand the problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ them or choose them but I have to get work out of them. I shout and push but these people are so mule like. God; life is unfair.
Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good farewell party to the year has been organized at the office. After all it is considered auspicious to ring in the New Year on a happy note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey being pushed under my nose, but then this is just once a year and one should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?
Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking, drinking even the occasional type, keep a more reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I will definitely get into the meditation circle in the office and try to see things from a calmer perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop honking and try to overtake me at every bend I could think things over more deeply!! God..this cellphone….am I never to know peace from this infernal instrument.
And then; why focus on my resolutions and change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Love and contradiction
Contradicting Lovingly
When I was young, in college and still sorting out the everyday contradictions in terms of human relationships, one of the features of my life was to understand the attitude of my parents towards me. From one angle it was clear that I was precious to them and from another angle, they seem to take me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was supposed to do them proud by coming up to some standards that were never clearly defined while at the same time I was not supposed to show any initiative and do what I was told. On this point the directions were clear: as if the parents were saying “We are here and know what is best for you. We are doing the thinking for you, all that is needed will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if they had never bargained for the child to grow and assert some of his own personality.
When this time did come, it changed into a period of confrontation. It became a competition between two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in their ways, afraid of change and the other experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me the right honest answers either.
Then one day I went to somebody’s house and there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky looking man shouting at an obviously younger child: “The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal in its character, is floating around then certainly this attitude of my parents which was puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little more close observation of all the parents around me, backed by reading The Reader’s Digest made the answers come tumbling into my life.
Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to see how much this tendency to negate and contradict permeates life in general. As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is growing into an adult and the parents are not grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t want him to act at all, as if this way they can protect him from all adversity. The child on the other hand begins first by seething inside and then hiding his true self and living a double life; so to say. The parents get more and more strongly into the denying and the child starts even more vehemently saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid that his life will be taken over and therefore learns to say No to everything. His relationships are all difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional, amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character then gets passed on from generation to generation.
Look around closely. How often do you see people agreeing and accepting each other and in comparison how often we are crossing each other out?
I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on seeing my attempts was that I being a child should try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset him and finally got what I wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many years later, I painted a canvas which before even it was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room. This was appreciation of a high order.
Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good luck to grow into an adult far away from the restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an international exposure and had teachers who were always listening and ready to help me find the answers to MY questions; without the bias of social norms restricting our exchanges.
Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted so much to converse and share my life with him. But he would not accept me as anything but his child who should in all good sense let him run his life. He never outgrew my childhood and this contradiction always showed in his behavior.
Thanks & Regards PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
When I was young, in college and still sorting out the everyday contradictions in terms of human relationships, one of the features of my life was to understand the attitude of my parents towards me. From one angle it was clear that I was precious to them and from another angle, they seem to take me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was supposed to do them proud by coming up to some standards that were never clearly defined while at the same time I was not supposed to show any initiative and do what I was told. On this point the directions were clear: as if the parents were saying “We are here and know what is best for you. We are doing the thinking for you, all that is needed will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if they had never bargained for the child to grow and assert some of his own personality.
When this time did come, it changed into a period of confrontation. It became a competition between two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in their ways, afraid of change and the other experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me the right honest answers either.
Then one day I went to somebody’s house and there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky looking man shouting at an obviously younger child: “The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal in its character, is floating around then certainly this attitude of my parents which was puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little more close observation of all the parents around me, backed by reading The Reader’s Digest made the answers come tumbling into my life.
Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to see how much this tendency to negate and contradict permeates life in general. As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is growing into an adult and the parents are not grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t want him to act at all, as if this way they can protect him from all adversity. The child on the other hand begins first by seething inside and then hiding his true self and living a double life; so to say. The parents get more and more strongly into the denying and the child starts even more vehemently saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid that his life will be taken over and therefore learns to say No to everything. His relationships are all difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional, amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character then gets passed on from generation to generation.
Look around closely. How often do you see people agreeing and accepting each other and in comparison how often we are crossing each other out?
I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on seeing my attempts was that I being a child should try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset him and finally got what I wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many years later, I painted a canvas which before even it was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room. This was appreciation of a high order.
Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good luck to grow into an adult far away from the restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an international exposure and had teachers who were always listening and ready to help me find the answers to MY questions; without the bias of social norms restricting our exchanges.
Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted so much to converse and share my life with him. But he would not accept me as anything but his child who should in all good sense let him run his life. He never outgrew my childhood and this contradiction always showed in his behavior.
Thanks & Regards PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Taciturnity
The Case for Taciturnity
Now that my baby is over one year old, I receive instructions from all including my doctor to focus on teaching my child to articulate words and communicate in a spoken language that we understand. I am asked to repeat certain words and commands so that the child learns faster and we may be able to communicate more easily with the child. Every time we meet a friend or relative, the first question that is posed is “Has she started to speak? Which words can she speak now? Does she say mama, papa? Then their focus switches on to the baby and they start asking her “Where is your nose? Show me your nose?”
What in the name of heaven is the hurry? I have never really understood the need to bring speech so hurriedly and in such quantity and intensity in our lives. The stress on speech and talking is rather exaggerated considering the exchanges I see happening around me. I say that the time has come to consider this factor and stress a little on taciturnity. Let’s bring a little silence in our lives.
As far as the child is concerned, she is already picking up so much from her surroundings that we are amazed at her ability to sponge in. She is communicating perfectly and we understand her. We are acting as gardeners. We are not trying to push the plant into over-growing itself by speeding the process.
I am prompted to pen these lines from two glaring inconveniences that have become part of lives. One is the honking. More often than not there is no reason to honk that I can see of. The red light becomes green and the guy behind me honks; as if I am there for a group meditation session. The taxi that the neighbor has called arrives and the entire neighborhood is regaled with a strident shock of horn blasting. A car is passing though and the thought that the driver’s path may be blocked by seeing another vehicle far away makes them honk; it seems as if any shadow is trigger enough to merit a blast from the driver.
What we need to realize is that this is one method of speech. We are using the horn as an extension of our communicating ability; notwithstanding the fact that we are fully aware of the inconvenience, irritation and noise that we are creating around us because we are in our own turn also at the receiving end from others. But like a baby’s bawls, we insist on being heard and having our way.
The second is the mobile phone. I am just amazed at the continuous talking I see around us. How much can we have to say? Don’t these people get tired of talking? After all, where is all this energy that goes into speech coming from? It has been conclusively proven that talking on the mobile is dangerous when driving but are we able to desist? We go into theatres to enjoy a play, a movie or a music program but keep the mobile phone on. Being connected has become an addiction. Our callousness is so great that we will not stop from disturbing everybody else around us. I suppose we feel that our importance is greater that the other guy’s. Our call needs to be attended to without fail because our importance is simply immeasurable!
When we talk incessantly, don’t we become a bore? Voltaire said: “The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” This reminds me of a poem that we had in our school and which affected me deeply. It went something like this: “I told her all, I told my all, love that told cannot be………… and then came a stranger, and took her with a sigh.”
Well I refuse to fall in line. I will not blow my horn if I can help it. I will not speed up if it seems dangerous to me. And I will not give you my mobile phone number because I use it only when I am out of the house to stay connected with my mum. And anyway when I am out of my workplace, I am either driving or busy in something else so I would not be interested in talking and be distracted and disturbed. I also follow the rule that visitors will have to shut off the phone at my place as I am not interested in seeing them doing their business while I sit there like a fool watching them; on call to them when they are free to do so!
Now that my baby is over one year old, I receive instructions from all including my doctor to focus on teaching my child to articulate words and communicate in a spoken language that we understand. I am asked to repeat certain words and commands so that the child learns faster and we may be able to communicate more easily with the child. Every time we meet a friend or relative, the first question that is posed is “Has she started to speak? Which words can she speak now? Does she say mama, papa? Then their focus switches on to the baby and they start asking her “Where is your nose? Show me your nose?”
What in the name of heaven is the hurry? I have never really understood the need to bring speech so hurriedly and in such quantity and intensity in our lives. The stress on speech and talking is rather exaggerated considering the exchanges I see happening around me. I say that the time has come to consider this factor and stress a little on taciturnity. Let’s bring a little silence in our lives.
As far as the child is concerned, she is already picking up so much from her surroundings that we are amazed at her ability to sponge in. She is communicating perfectly and we understand her. We are acting as gardeners. We are not trying to push the plant into over-growing itself by speeding the process.
I am prompted to pen these lines from two glaring inconveniences that have become part of lives. One is the honking. More often than not there is no reason to honk that I can see of. The red light becomes green and the guy behind me honks; as if I am there for a group meditation session. The taxi that the neighbor has called arrives and the entire neighborhood is regaled with a strident shock of horn blasting. A car is passing though and the thought that the driver’s path may be blocked by seeing another vehicle far away makes them honk; it seems as if any shadow is trigger enough to merit a blast from the driver.
What we need to realize is that this is one method of speech. We are using the horn as an extension of our communicating ability; notwithstanding the fact that we are fully aware of the inconvenience, irritation and noise that we are creating around us because we are in our own turn also at the receiving end from others. But like a baby’s bawls, we insist on being heard and having our way.
The second is the mobile phone. I am just amazed at the continuous talking I see around us. How much can we have to say? Don’t these people get tired of talking? After all, where is all this energy that goes into speech coming from? It has been conclusively proven that talking on the mobile is dangerous when driving but are we able to desist? We go into theatres to enjoy a play, a movie or a music program but keep the mobile phone on. Being connected has become an addiction. Our callousness is so great that we will not stop from disturbing everybody else around us. I suppose we feel that our importance is greater that the other guy’s. Our call needs to be attended to without fail because our importance is simply immeasurable!
When we talk incessantly, don’t we become a bore? Voltaire said: “The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” This reminds me of a poem that we had in our school and which affected me deeply. It went something like this: “I told her all, I told my all, love that told cannot be………… and then came a stranger, and took her with a sigh.”
Well I refuse to fall in line. I will not blow my horn if I can help it. I will not speed up if it seems dangerous to me. And I will not give you my mobile phone number because I use it only when I am out of the house to stay connected with my mum. And anyway when I am out of my workplace, I am either driving or busy in something else so I would not be interested in talking and be distracted and disturbed. I also follow the rule that visitors will have to shut off the phone at my place as I am not interested in seeing them doing their business while I sit there like a fool watching them; on call to them when they are free to do so!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Mating ilemma
THE MATING DILEMMA
There is so much talk of marital discord nowadays. Every journal or TV program is discussing it. My view is that I do not see any special discord that we do not have in our every day lives that necessitates a special name. It is the same old clash of two desire entities that we encounter everyday, everywhere and with everyone, each wanting its own way to the exclusion of consideration for the other. Selfishness and self-centeredness are part of the gifts endowed us by nature and it is my point of view that men and women are not really designed to live together.
Marriage is team-work and this is an acquired trait which has to be learnt and practiced with serious intent. Of course, we complement each other but most of us would be equally happy living alone, content in our own selfish balloons. Modern life has made that dream a real possibility and all are aware of it but there is a big BUT.
Our genes and hormones have a potent force of their own. Destiny which is still running our lives, we may accept it or not, keeps us throwing into contact with attractive people of the opposite sex which gets the desire centers humming. But marriage cannot be an excuse for a romp in bed; anyway as if it matters, even legally or anyone cares. So why the farce?
The Ying and Yang principle is at work in nature. Opposites coexist and attract each other. Observe closely and you will see that by some quirk of fate, every couple is a pairing of two people with opposite tendencies. The Law of Creation takes us to our next level of evolution by the effort we put in to live with each other. We are each other’s teachers.
Clashes will be but we have to learn to see both the ends of the argument and learn to go beyond the obvious and mundane, for there are always some common points of appui as well. The Creator has used the sexual energy well. There is a lure here which serves a dynamic purpose. It keeps repopulating the Mother earth and also helps in realizing the merger of the opposite sides of the same coin in the form of two individuals. It should be best seen as a spiritual discipline.
At the other end of the spectrum is the fact that we cannot all make our bread, tailor our clothes, make our shoes, construct our house and make our cars; so we need other people in our lives. In extension we therefore need a society and if we wish to live within this society, the word teaming-up again appears and we have to accept certain confinements. Therefore it is plain to all to see that life is a huge compromise after all. It’s so galling!
The BUT I was talking about makes its splash here. We are on our best behavior most of the time; continuously adjusting to the pressures of people and circumstances. BUT the moment we cross the threshold of our homes, we find it difficult to make the same compromises in our marriages willingly with a singing heart. Why? It is very well and facile to live when we make short contacts and all go home at the end of the day to our own watering holes, alone in our comfort zones; with the option to keep or break a relationship if we wish to. In marriage we have to be with the same person day in and day out for ever and ever with no respite. Readjustments are in order.
It seems as if the partners are forever saying “Be reasonable. Do it my way”. This when coupled with a tendency to overbear is a formula for disaster. At the back of the mind there is always the dormant thought that we can always part which is no help at all. I belong to the old school. No divorce for me; so a mutually acceptable path has to be found and if there are children from the marriage, no possibility of exit at all. Something was started and it has to be finished. We made our bed and now we need to lie in it. Do we have a right to hurt the person we brought home or run away from the responsibility of raising our children? I wish lawmakers would go back to the old ways and put it into act soon. The effort that has now gone out of relationships would reappear and so much frustration and pain needlessly imposed by humans on themselves could be avoided.
There are even impossible demands when the partners are taken for granted. We need to wake up from this dream. The solution would have been in the compromise attitude but to this we are not prepared to concede. Very good reasons are cited and all very tangible and real. Everything is taken into consideration except the fact that the first point of law is that the marriage has to be maintained at all costs as a garden of joy. It is our marriage and our life. Everything else pales into insignificance. So discord is inevitable unless we are prepared to let go a bit and cross over into the other’s camp and live for the other person. This is said for both men and women and has to be a concerted effort. Personally I find this idea so wonderful. My life is no more a closed box. I let somebody in and a close partnership begins with of course an absolute interdependence. I am not afraid any more of the big bad wolf. This is the beginning of happiness. I do lose a bit of the “I” but win the world. Putting up one’s feet is such a pleasure. We did marry for the small comforts of married life, did we not?
We live much harried lives. What we think, feel and speak about are never the same things. We are hiding so much. There is an accepted perverse insincerity practiced at all moments and at every level of our existence. In the outer world where every man is for himself and wolf eat wolf is the situation, there is much to be said for a bit of charade and hiding away. But, in a marriage? Marriage has to be seen in the light of the common man’s yogic/spiritual journey. It is, whatever you may argue, an evolutionary process in which both the parties including children grow into more matured beings. When you see it in this light, you have to allow the barriers to fall and sincerity has to pervade in the home. Thoughts, feelings and the spoken word will need to be in harmony at all times otherwise chaos and clashes will erupt. Lording over is absolutely out. Cleverness is a no-no. At least aim to reach this level. There will be stumblings, yet wherever this spirit of candid bumbling exists, there will be laughter and rarely any quarrels. The human spirit is a forgiving one, whenever, genuinely, honesty is seeping through, joy prevails.
The other factor which I have seen taking a heavy toll of the quiet life in marriages is the poor quality of communication. Poor language use, bad speech habits and worse, inadvertent habits like speaking from distances or changing the place of things and forgetting to tell. We are also plagued by the sense of right and wrong and get irritated in righteous indignation. This indignation turns easily into a scream like a cracker going off without restraint. Always forgetting that how we deal with the everyday world and how we need to deal in our marriage world are two different things. In marriage it is the team not the individual who matters. We forget it to our pain. Lets never forget if the other party is grating on our nerves, then we are no angels. Have we ever tried to find out how we are grating on other people’s nerves?
We are constantly giving out wrong signals. Utter confusion prevails at the best of times. So first we need to begin by listening a bit more and not reacting to every word that one hears. Not only to words bit those intangible sighs as well and those inconsistencies in behavior patterns. Consider that the other person may be thinking aloud or just uttering the wrong words because of other extraneous circumstances and so many other fears and complexes that run amok in our lives.
Just think it over for a while. Forgive and forget if you have been mildly wronged. Show your appreciation often and learn to remain silent in as many languages you can. Along with this attitude, ask for favors and when the other person asks for it, give them. We do make the mistake of asking favors and wanting instant gratification but when the other person asks for something, we are always busy in our own world and cannot grant any. This will not do. Gratitude needs to be cultivated and practiced a bit more. It is rarer than you would think. Especially in small inconsequent things, which are really the ones which swell into tidal waves.
All that is needed is a little shift in our own orientation to our life and partner. Give and give and take some. Rather you will notice you will get without asking and much more than you could have asked for.
There is so much talk of marital discord nowadays. Every journal or TV program is discussing it. My view is that I do not see any special discord that we do not have in our every day lives that necessitates a special name. It is the same old clash of two desire entities that we encounter everyday, everywhere and with everyone, each wanting its own way to the exclusion of consideration for the other. Selfishness and self-centeredness are part of the gifts endowed us by nature and it is my point of view that men and women are not really designed to live together.
Marriage is team-work and this is an acquired trait which has to be learnt and practiced with serious intent. Of course, we complement each other but most of us would be equally happy living alone, content in our own selfish balloons. Modern life has made that dream a real possibility and all are aware of it but there is a big BUT.
Our genes and hormones have a potent force of their own. Destiny which is still running our lives, we may accept it or not, keeps us throwing into contact with attractive people of the opposite sex which gets the desire centers humming. But marriage cannot be an excuse for a romp in bed; anyway as if it matters, even legally or anyone cares. So why the farce?
The Ying and Yang principle is at work in nature. Opposites coexist and attract each other. Observe closely and you will see that by some quirk of fate, every couple is a pairing of two people with opposite tendencies. The Law of Creation takes us to our next level of evolution by the effort we put in to live with each other. We are each other’s teachers.
Clashes will be but we have to learn to see both the ends of the argument and learn to go beyond the obvious and mundane, for there are always some common points of appui as well. The Creator has used the sexual energy well. There is a lure here which serves a dynamic purpose. It keeps repopulating the Mother earth and also helps in realizing the merger of the opposite sides of the same coin in the form of two individuals. It should be best seen as a spiritual discipline.
At the other end of the spectrum is the fact that we cannot all make our bread, tailor our clothes, make our shoes, construct our house and make our cars; so we need other people in our lives. In extension we therefore need a society and if we wish to live within this society, the word teaming-up again appears and we have to accept certain confinements. Therefore it is plain to all to see that life is a huge compromise after all. It’s so galling!
The BUT I was talking about makes its splash here. We are on our best behavior most of the time; continuously adjusting to the pressures of people and circumstances. BUT the moment we cross the threshold of our homes, we find it difficult to make the same compromises in our marriages willingly with a singing heart. Why? It is very well and facile to live when we make short contacts and all go home at the end of the day to our own watering holes, alone in our comfort zones; with the option to keep or break a relationship if we wish to. In marriage we have to be with the same person day in and day out for ever and ever with no respite. Readjustments are in order.
It seems as if the partners are forever saying “Be reasonable. Do it my way”. This when coupled with a tendency to overbear is a formula for disaster. At the back of the mind there is always the dormant thought that we can always part which is no help at all. I belong to the old school. No divorce for me; so a mutually acceptable path has to be found and if there are children from the marriage, no possibility of exit at all. Something was started and it has to be finished. We made our bed and now we need to lie in it. Do we have a right to hurt the person we brought home or run away from the responsibility of raising our children? I wish lawmakers would go back to the old ways and put it into act soon. The effort that has now gone out of relationships would reappear and so much frustration and pain needlessly imposed by humans on themselves could be avoided.
There are even impossible demands when the partners are taken for granted. We need to wake up from this dream. The solution would have been in the compromise attitude but to this we are not prepared to concede. Very good reasons are cited and all very tangible and real. Everything is taken into consideration except the fact that the first point of law is that the marriage has to be maintained at all costs as a garden of joy. It is our marriage and our life. Everything else pales into insignificance. So discord is inevitable unless we are prepared to let go a bit and cross over into the other’s camp and live for the other person. This is said for both men and women and has to be a concerted effort. Personally I find this idea so wonderful. My life is no more a closed box. I let somebody in and a close partnership begins with of course an absolute interdependence. I am not afraid any more of the big bad wolf. This is the beginning of happiness. I do lose a bit of the “I” but win the world. Putting up one’s feet is such a pleasure. We did marry for the small comforts of married life, did we not?
We live much harried lives. What we think, feel and speak about are never the same things. We are hiding so much. There is an accepted perverse insincerity practiced at all moments and at every level of our existence. In the outer world where every man is for himself and wolf eat wolf is the situation, there is much to be said for a bit of charade and hiding away. But, in a marriage? Marriage has to be seen in the light of the common man’s yogic/spiritual journey. It is, whatever you may argue, an evolutionary process in which both the parties including children grow into more matured beings. When you see it in this light, you have to allow the barriers to fall and sincerity has to pervade in the home. Thoughts, feelings and the spoken word will need to be in harmony at all times otherwise chaos and clashes will erupt. Lording over is absolutely out. Cleverness is a no-no. At least aim to reach this level. There will be stumblings, yet wherever this spirit of candid bumbling exists, there will be laughter and rarely any quarrels. The human spirit is a forgiving one, whenever, genuinely, honesty is seeping through, joy prevails.
The other factor which I have seen taking a heavy toll of the quiet life in marriages is the poor quality of communication. Poor language use, bad speech habits and worse, inadvertent habits like speaking from distances or changing the place of things and forgetting to tell. We are also plagued by the sense of right and wrong and get irritated in righteous indignation. This indignation turns easily into a scream like a cracker going off without restraint. Always forgetting that how we deal with the everyday world and how we need to deal in our marriage world are two different things. In marriage it is the team not the individual who matters. We forget it to our pain. Lets never forget if the other party is grating on our nerves, then we are no angels. Have we ever tried to find out how we are grating on other people’s nerves?
We are constantly giving out wrong signals. Utter confusion prevails at the best of times. So first we need to begin by listening a bit more and not reacting to every word that one hears. Not only to words bit those intangible sighs as well and those inconsistencies in behavior patterns. Consider that the other person may be thinking aloud or just uttering the wrong words because of other extraneous circumstances and so many other fears and complexes that run amok in our lives.
Just think it over for a while. Forgive and forget if you have been mildly wronged. Show your appreciation often and learn to remain silent in as many languages you can. Along with this attitude, ask for favors and when the other person asks for it, give them. We do make the mistake of asking favors and wanting instant gratification but when the other person asks for something, we are always busy in our own world and cannot grant any. This will not do. Gratitude needs to be cultivated and practiced a bit more. It is rarer than you would think. Especially in small inconsequent things, which are really the ones which swell into tidal waves.
All that is needed is a little shift in our own orientation to our life and partner. Give and give and take some. Rather you will notice you will get without asking and much more than you could have asked for.
Friday, October 24, 2008
When to scold
On this Q: Today I scolded the watchman of my building very badly he was not switching on the water pump..Later when I saw his eyes they were full of tears .Have always tried talking politely with him but he has always taken me for granted today i scolded so finally he switched it on..What is the ideal way? I am not able to judge whatever which I did today was the right attitude or not .
My response:
The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is first true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took all of you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was being given a lot of margin of error in his actions and that you were all being nice to him. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.
This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She will never let show her true feelings. She will keep silent and let others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approx after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her since ages that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.
Some fault for this situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are taught that good manners are better than being true and clear. So of course, there is a gap between what we want to and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.
We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see. Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, precisely the action and attitude to take at any given moment.
Then there are a lot of judgmental people and for them I had written an article sometime ago of which I repeat some passages:
Have you noticed how some people can speak their part only in outbursts of some kind? They would be otherwise nice, sane people going about their lives in a circular routine that they have built around themselves. Yet, under their calm exterior there is always some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing quietly which, keeps them perpetually irritated about something or the other.
I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.
So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.
My response:
The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is first true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took all of you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was being given a lot of margin of error in his actions and that you were all being nice to him. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.
This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She will never let show her true feelings. She will keep silent and let others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approx after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her since ages that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.
Some fault for this situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are taught that good manners are better than being true and clear. So of course, there is a gap between what we want to and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.
We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see. Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, precisely the action and attitude to take at any given moment.
Then there are a lot of judgmental people and for them I had written an article sometime ago of which I repeat some passages:
Have you noticed how some people can speak their part only in outbursts of some kind? They would be otherwise nice, sane people going about their lives in a circular routine that they have built around themselves. Yet, under their calm exterior there is always some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing quietly which, keeps them perpetually irritated about something or the other.
I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.
So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.
Monday, October 20, 2008
To Flower or remain in the bud.
COMFORT ZONE.
There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.
How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.
My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.
Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?
Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.
Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?
This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.
There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.
How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.
My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.
Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?
Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.
Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?
This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.
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