Pradeep Maheshwari of s164gk1,Delhi

First monsoon pic

2010-07-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

time management

2010-03-17T04:12:00.000-07:00

Time management

Megha Pushpendra sir, would love to have your views on time management.

There you have pressed the right buttons. Here I go. The first thing that comes to mind is this: Can time be managed?
When you say time management, I would think that you would like to control it like you do a river by either damming it or dredging or cleaning or whatever that we can do to it to make it work for you. It never occurred to me that this could be done with time. I thought about this for some time and I still don’t get it.

Perhaps what you wish to say is “How can you manage yourself ?” considering the time at your disposal. This would seem the more logical approach and the only one I can think of. Now if this is what you mean, then I wondered why ask me; not that I am averse to the idea. It is flattering to know that somebody cares about my thoughts enough to ask me. Millions of words by so called experts are being written and floating around and you still feel I may have something to say that would matter? How refreshing!

So let’s discuss in this in all seriousness. Time cannot be managed. All those who complain that they do not have time know fully well that they are showing off their self-importance. This is one way of showing that they have more of this world in their grasp in comparison to all the others who form a very large group on this planet who have nothing to do and are either looking for work and opportunity or are not “clever/able/qualified” enough to merit any attention in this world of ours where “IT” shows if you have it.

Then there are the hapless people who are a little wooly up there. They wake up with lovely intentions but then even a small butterfly can make them forget everything else and can make them first run for their camera and secondly after the butterfly. A few flowers on the way simply dash the entire timetable of the day to the ground and that is that. Now it is left open to your imagination if a butterfly can do this what would let us say would happen if a child needs this person or even an adult came around needing solace?

It would not be difficult to infer from the above that it is all in the mind. It is all relative to what we consider important and would like to spend the available time on. Then there is also the question of habits. We are more creatures of habits than we really wish to acknowledge. We act on impulses that have been inculcated into us by our surroundings and education. We give importance to these impulses and make them our flight-plan. They then decide the ETA. You are a virtual prisoner. If you are unhappy with the way things are working out in your day to execution of time, then you need to look into all those tiny mental blips that point your way and chart your action plan. If you are not ready to look into that direction, then just forget it. Enjoy your 24 hours and get up next morning for another day of the same. A small example here would make my words clearer.

You are reading a book. You are engrossed in it. It is so interesting that it has you transfixed. Once in while you do remember to look at he clock. The hubby will come home, the children will want dinner. Ok. Ok. You are aware of all this. But few pages more – let’ say let’s finish this paragraph… well I could safely stretch it to the end of the chapter and so on so forth till you have royally messed up your time-table. So that is that and there is no way to recover lost ground. All you can do is forget it and go on with your life. Just order a pizza and have a party. The kids will love it. The hubby will just be happy to have a bite of something-anything, instead of trying to keep awake with coffee. The book has more management control, over you than you on it. You were party to it. Where is the problem?

So what do you say? Shall we forget this utterly pointless subject?

Friendships & Quarrels

2010-01-19T16:42:00.000-08:00

Friendship, Discussions, Quarrels

When we are communicating with each other we have many stages to contend with. These could be classified as Exchange, Acceptance, Approval, Discussions, Arguments & Quarrels. It would be good question to ask in which mode or mood we are most of the time and have made it our general behavior pattern.

I have a friend of nearly forty years standing who has one of the finest brains, sharp and analytical. He can see through a problem and situation. With this he has a generous disposition and the result is that we have never had a single instance of voices being raised or any disagreement being voiced. How did we achieve that? 40 years without ever getting upset, angry or in an intellectual argument – can you believe that?

On the other hand there are people, close to me and we can be assured that a conversation with them will swiftly degenerate into an irritable football match. Now I am using in these examples, myself as the central figure so that we have a common factor. In both the above cases I am the other guy; so the fault cannot be fully in me and if it is not with the other person how does it come about that we end up arguing or/and raising voices?

With my friend it has been a story of acceptance and mutual help always in whatever capacity it can be done. The answer is always “yes” and then we try to find ways and means to achieve our ends. Regard for each other’s intelligence and intention are solidly & unwaveringly set in our minds. When we make promises we never forget them and try to keep our words without fail. Excuses and rationalizations are simply not in our mode of conduct. Is this so difficult to follow by all in everyday life?

I am not immune to losing my temper or getting irritated. It is the frequency with which it gets out of hand with some people and never with others. So I sat down to ponder over this big question. I find that most of the quarrels are resulting where these elements exist in any one of the individual involved in the discussion:

- Amour propre. This is the most common of factors. When we are full of love for ourselves, we need to be appreciated. That and that alone makes our world move. So even an innocuous question like “Do you know where are my car keys?” can have a serious bent to it with the other person deciding that he is being blamed for the problem and a reply would something like this-“ How would I know? Why blame me?” This would then irritate you as you were looking for help and it was a general question; the riposte takes you thinking on the track that how could this person think of you as insensitive or accusative. Your own Amour propre begins to bleed: so now depending if you are the fighter kind or the philosophical kind, you will either swallow your pride and go on with your life or come back with an irritated face and try to make the other guy see “The Light”. A useless and mood-spoiling scene will ensue and everyone will feel bad afterwards. Worse, a seed of natural disagreement and dislike will be sown which will add into the next exchange.
- Then there are those whose Amour propre is so inflated that whatever they do and say is infected by this element. The only way a relationship is possible with them is to keep them perennially contented by praise and acceptance which suits them fine or rather if you look deep into their hearts, that is what they have been aiming at all the time.
- Self-validating. We validate our amour-propre in many ways. You paint a picture and somebody likes it. You sing and somebody praises it. You cook dish and all relish it. These are ways of self-validating. Many like to find faults and prove themselves superior. They are tuned to say the opposite of whatever and never allow a fault or error to go un-noticed or un-announced. Witticism is generally at play here. These are the most annoying of all and my way with them is simple: avoid them; do not accept their existence. Give them no value at all. Pray that they will go and pester somebody else.
- Poor Listening is another factor. We jump to conclusions and start judging, mostly negatively even before we have heard the other guy out. This is mostly in evidence when you are not interested in listening at all as it might mean change or extra duties to live with it and who wants that? And if perchance you are able to show them the error of their ways, they will fight it out to prove that they were never wrong( that they can ever be wrong is out of the question) and that the basic mistake was in your presentation or use of a wrong word or something. Our preconceived notions kick in to join the fray and a reasonably good fire-laden argument can be envisaged.
- Knowingly Belligerent. When we know we are in the wrong what do we do? Try to cover up. And one of the most effective ways is by way of confusing the issue. In a place like the office or home this is possible and often done with great panache and much more often than not. We can even look for scapegoats. In the office we are safe from physical assault and other agencies cannot butt in and then we have witnesses all around. So it is safe and we may get away with apparently although behind our backs we may be disliked. But in issues and locales where mere words will not help, like a scrape in the open where a scooterist slips in front of your car and you end up throwing him off, what do you do because the big question is who is really in the wrong? You know it is not your fault but do you think the scooterist will let you have your way and quietly walk off? He will accuse you of hitting him from behind and you are in the soup! Other agencies in the form of a crowd and police may butt in and you might just end up paying heftily for something you are not at fault for. I hope you would know what to do because to date I have not waited to find out – if possible and if I am sure it was not my fault, I use the technique of shooting off in my vehicle and have often been chased but running away has been always my style and I advise you to do the same in all cases where a regular, sensible and equitable discussion is not possible or will not ever be allowed to be.

wishes

2009-12-21T16:11:00.000-08:00

On Christmas and the New Year now looming ahead of us - Warm and Heartfelt Happy Thoughts & Wishes to all my freinds(hic), relatives(relatively speaking) & foes(may your wine turn sour).

Crime and Apology

2009-11-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

Crime and Apology

The day has not begun well at all. First the news of a death of a friend stared at me when I checked my emails. I was drowning this piece of info in a cup of coffee and opened the newspaper. My temper went into a swirl and my moods went for a six. There were three bits of reporting that got my goat instantly

1. Nanny lends out an eight month old kid to beggars for use in begging while she sits at her employer’s home gorging on all the food in the house and watching TV. The working parents having no idea that their darling is having a day out everyday.
2. That another baby sitter somewhere in Europe had reported the child under her care as lost and was hiding him under her bed. The police finally located it. I wonder what was on their mind. Blackmail or worse a “sale”.
3. A father tries to get rid of his baby boy outside in the open near a canal to fend for itself as he is ashamed of what the society will say because he has fathered the child at the age of 45+.

What are we; Humans or monsters from Mars? Perhaps there are no monsters on mars only very kind people so I beg pardon.

I reiterate my pet peeve that parents should not have children if they cannot for any reason take care of them. It can be lack of finance or time. Why play with the life of a person who has just begun and who would have to bear the brunt of our madness & negligence for the rest of its badly begotten life. In all the above cases, the law they say will take its course. Whatever does that mean? The person will go to jail and live merrily for some years as a guest of the Government on taxpayer’s money.

And what about the child? The child poor thing would have to bear the weight of the tortures inflicted on him. He would be scarred for life before even he has had a chance to begin. If it were limited to just this much, there would still be hope but suppose in all this, he contracted pneumonia? The results would be weak lungs for life, bronchitis and such at the drop of a hat and what not. You are welcome to dream up other scenarios.

My pertinent question is “WHO WILL MAKE THESE MONSTERS PAY FOR THE INFAMOUS CONDUCT AND HOW”?

If we have not made them suffer abuse they will have nothing to regret about. I advocate that they be hung in a cage from the nearest tree for a few days and nights without food or care. In this matter I have no qualms of conscience or little kindness to share; whatever the promoters of “FORGIVING” may say.

It is so easy to say Sorry and get away with anything. When my maid broke my fine china cup, she said sorry and that was that. But I know and she knows that there was no remorse. At the bottom of it all is the thought that what if at all can I do to her in retaliation? She is careless and couldn’t care less. My loss is not hers and nothing in her consciousness will ever bother to change her attitude to property or feelings of others.

In continuation I would say our sense of respect and concern has reached a dismal low in this new age. It was never very high on the scale of Humaneness anyway. As we are saying “ Grab whatever you can; do it now; if somebody is hurt-it is his problem; who has seen tomorrow and what do we care?”

You are invited to contribute & participate in the book projects which are being taken up to provide a free advertising platform to established & emerging professionals, artists designers and others..
Vous etes invite a contribuer et participer dans ces livres destines a devenir des bouquins de référence.

1) My Favorite piece of Furniture..
Show off your favorite piece of furniture and let the world know about you. In the furniture book Objet d'art are also being considered.

2) Healing and Healers.
Write about your healing knowledge and practice and let the world know about you.

3) Nostalgia - Of the Time Gone By.
It is to be a collection of photographs from the past, dating before the 1950s. And let the world know of you.

In all the above books, the contributors will be prominently acknowledged and the books being designed to serve as reference books for customers looking for professionals..
(my personal emails)
citrinebooks@yahoo.com
pk@citrinebooks.com
Gratefully yours – PK
www.citrinebooks.com
Also as an artist, please visit: http://sites.google.com/site/artnershipshop/ & join us.

Good morning+Kiss from my little one+invitation

2009-11-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

Please contribute & participate in the book projects. 1) My Favorite piece of Furniture.
Show off your favorite piece of furniture.
2) Healing and Healers.
Write about your healing knowledge and practice.
3) Nostalgia - Of the Time Gone By.
It is to be a collection of photographs from the past, dating before the 1950s. In the furniture book Objet d'art are also being considered.
In all the above books, the contributors will be prominently acknowledged and the books being designed to serve as reference books for cutomers looking for professionals..
(my personal emails)
citrinebooks@yahoo.com
pk@citrinebooks.com
Gratefully yours – PK
www.citrinebooks.com
Also as an artist, please visit: http://sites.google.com/site/artnershipshop/

& join us.

True to one's salt

2009-08-26T16:57:00.001-07:00

Being true to his salt.

Loyalty and Honesty are words that are getting rather mauled up in the present age. Whatever happened to the established norms of loyalty and undiluted honesty because one had partaken “salt” from parents, families, friends and employers? Once we had taken the gift of sharing their “salt” we were bound to repay in kind; the elders gave us protection and the younger ones by service.

How principles, attitudes & mentality have changed. My younger brother who is not blood related, but I have been adopted as an elder brother so the tie is as strong, is a gold smith. He was doing very well with over 20 workers under his care. He is from the villages of Bengal and his workers mostly hail from there. My brother used to take orders from shops, execute them and that was that. It was simple, good honest work if you can ever think of a goldsmith as completely honest. But today, twenty years on, he has closed down his workshop. Why? Because the workers tend to run away with the material given to them for executing orders; 20 years ago this happened once in a blue moon, now it is rare to find a worker who would most probably not do it.

A young man from the forgotten corners of Bihar came in touch with me. He was good at computers repair and maintenance and kept my system in good form all the time. He wanted a credit card but did not have a permanent address so he asked me permission to show himself as living with me as a tenant. He got his credit card and for five years things were well. In the mean while the bank offered him enhanced credit of 150.000 rupees. He got tempted and used it up. In the meanwhile the boy got diagnosed with renal failure. His income came to nil. I had no inkling of it. When the bankers started chasing him for payment, then I learnt of what was happening. I asked the banker on what grounds had they given this guy so much credit? I told them I was just an address to receive his mails as he is always in the field and all correspondence is sent by special courier that requires the presence of somebody to receive. I have no idea about anything else. Now as far as I know, the boy has run back to his home somewhere in Bihar.

I feel that too much is being given too fast to people who have not been adequately “character wise” formed to receive the bounties. We have unleashed motorcycles and cars on the roads. Other facilities like mobile phones etc should have given mobility and communication ease to all. It has. Now the thieves and scoundrels are having a field day. Many who would have been otherwise too afraid to do anything but be decent citizens are now inspired by the gangsterism they see around them are taking it on as a profession. Even decent citizens let themselves go as you can see in road rage cases.

In contrast my mother tells me of a story from her childhood. The accountant who was responsible for collecting taxes used to go about alone in the horse buggy with another man. One evening it was getting late and the accountant was getting jittery as they would have to pass through a lonely stretch which was known for its dacoits. He kept on telling the driver to hurry and go faster but the other guy was just not paying heed. The poor accountant became certain that his time had come and he would suffer for ever in purgatory for letting his master down. Right in the middle of nowhere the buggy came to a stop. The accountant hollered to his companion that he was being untrue to his salt and what a mean fate has brought them together. The other guy just got down, gave a shout or two and soon there were men surrounding them. The accountant was shaking like a jelly. Guess what the driver did? He asked two of the men to accompany them till the town as there was a huge amount of cash to be protected! And they all reached home safely.

Another story my mother relates is about a raid by dacoits at her sister’s in-laws. The youngest child bride came weeping to the chief of the dacoits imploring him “Uncle, please do not take my things. My mother in law will kill me”. His response was
“Well now that you have called me uncle I am duty bound to protect you. Don’t worry”. He then told his lieutenants to leave anything belonging to this child bride alone and while leaving admonished the mother in law – “If, even a hair of this girl is ever harmed, I shall come back and settle scores!”

This was what it meant to be true to his salt and one’s own.

Shopping for color

2009-08-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

My artist friends and I have got together to launch this Shop to promote our work.
Please visit this link.
http://sites.google.com/site/artnershipshop/
Give us your opinion/suggestions and critique.
ALSO: most important please pass this link to all your friends and contacts so that we get a wider exposure. We shall be very grateful.
The site is being updated continuously.

Listening to the Universe

2009-08-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

Listening to the Universe.

This conversation started when I posted the paragraph below on my group site:
Ever been on the verge of finishing a jigsaw puzzle only to discover the last piece has gone missing? And remember how frustrating it feels to not find it after hours of searching, only to discover it a day later hiding under the sofa's dust ruffle? A small but possibly life-changing piece of your own personal puzzle will fall into place, but only when you're not hunting for it. Don't try and force this; it'll happen quite nicely on its own.

Thanks & Regards
PK :

Cora:
Then what about age old wisdom 'seek and ye shall find'.

Aren’t all of life's paybacks about how much of a doer than a bystander you are?

PK:
There is a time for action and repose.
Time for reaching out and time for assimilation.
Let the Universe also be a partner in your life.

Cora:
What’s more gratifying? Putting your wits to test and figuring out the last jigsaw piece or stumbling across it?

You’ve hit a spot I’ve been exploring for months. Do the universe and its energies actually connive to assist you in your quest?

PK:
The Universe would if it could.
It is gratifying for the ego to think that it is the doer.

But the ego would not achieve much if the universe did not help and was not working in the background. Most often we are so busy interfering that the poor Universe is not able to help even it wants to.

Just ask this question?

How much of your life has been due to your own effort - your birth, your name, choice of place, brothers/sisters, friends, choice of opportunities etc. Things are already laid out to a plan. You have the choice to say yes or no at every moment. That's all.

Cora & PK together:
I give my answer along side yours below:

Cora: I’ve always been a believer in atheism. Thus there is no room for luck, fate, fortune, destiny, superstition, religion, god in my scheme of things.

PK: Fine let's base our conversation on this belief. But then why block or limit yourself by any belief? A belief maybe true or not; so let's go by our experiences. Let us say you get introduced to somebody at the office - then you meet the person again. Out of the blue an offer of promotion and change is made which is to your liking. Now this situation is not of your making although your charm and attitudes would have been greatly the elements that made it happen.
How would you explain the chance meeting?

Cora: So what I'm trying to say is that much of what happens in anyone's life is pretty much either their own doing (being lazy or arrogant), or someone else's action (being opportunistic or large-hearted) or has a scientific explanation to it (drought, famine, etc)

PK: These are definitely very important factors and behind all action taken or not taken. But where did the situation come from in the first place wherein these factors came into play?

Cora: When I started hearing about the universe's energies i didn't find any scientific evaluation for this theory nor any human contribution and hence my line of questioning.

PK: Science? Its purview is limited to the material world? How can it explain everything? That would make every scientist into an absolute Brahma!

Cora:
If we go by this example, then the answer for me is rather simple.

The person joined my company out of his/her willingness or someone else's decision (i strongly believe that when people say 'I didn't decide about it, things just fell into place" it means that someone else has acted for you)

The 'chance' meeting is 2 people's intentions and efforts to meet. Here again I could've chosen to avoid meeting the person due to other issues at hand. By choosing to meet this 'influential' person and appearing interested and enthusiastic I have favored a good result for myself. Thankfully for me the other person has also accepted it in the same attitude and reciprocated positively. Let’s accept it, unless there is a vested interest from either parties, promotions and moves don't come around at the drop of a hat. So it comes to conclude that all things that happen are on accord of your doing or someone else's or scientific. There’s no such thing as the 'chance' meeting or the 'favorable' time.

Situations come from thought and action leading to more thought and action and situations.

If science or man or nature doesn't have an answer to the theory of universal energy, then i think what we mean is the collective energy of human thought and action.

Brahma and science, at the end of the day, are man's discoveries, one to bow before and the other to rule with.

PK:
If you are comfortable with this then it is quite the right explanation

Cora:
Can you site a personal example where you believe you or anyone around had no hand in the situation that came upon you?

PK:
It is how you take it. There is always a chain of action and reaction that can be traced in every event. It is how you interpret it; which depends on your beliefs.
People believed the earth is flat or the earth is the centre of the solar system etc. Fine. It did not change anything.
All actions and results are not immediate and therefore not obvious. The human mind tends to see only the obvious.
But when gratitude seeps into your character, you become more generous in your thinking. You see a bigger and vaster field of action.
As for examples, it would be difficult to show you the Universe at work because you would find excuses and reasons not to see it in your present frame of mind.

Let me give you some instances anyway:
I was living alone. No telephone. No servants. One day I suddenly get 104 fever and am absolutely incapacitated. I did not have the ready cash to go to a doctor in hand (these were the times when there were no ATMs or mobiles)... I was there, in bed and asking for the Universe to work it out. A friend, whom I knew only randomly and who had never visited me before, appeared in his car, took me to a doctor, took care of all the money part, brought me back and went away. He has never visited me again.

Once I was just recovering from a bout of food poisoning. I desired to eat a rassagolla. The feeling just happened to be there. A friend came by with rassagollas. Just like that.

I attribute it to the Universe. You can attribute the incidences to your own logic. I don’t think it matters one way or the other to the Universe.

Cora:
I'm undergoing a life-altering phase right now. No amount of thought and action seems to help. I would like to explore if I sit back and let the universe take over, will things be sorted out. It’s that missing piece of the puzzle that I'm desperately hunting for.

Needless to say I do not hold your thought responsible if this doesn't turn out true for me. Like you said it could just be a matter of core belief.

Thanks a ton, for this perspective Pradeep. I do hope someday I can see the world through your shades too. Cause though I can't fully accept it right now, it does seem quite enlightening.

PK:
First feel grateful for all the positive things you have.
Then stop to rest for a while in the pursuance of your goals.
To listen to the Universe, Silence is needed.
The din in your head has to be quietened.

Brute husbands

2009-07-25T17:14:00.001-07:00

Some of you maybe interested in the conversation below.

Thanks & Regards
PK :

Dear PK,
Do you have a solution (to change in a systematic manner) for tackling with and surviving husbands who bully and shout at wives at the drop of a hat? They just look for mistakes only all the time and never miss an opportunity to shout and insult. This way the dignity of the wife is not respected. I know this man comes from a house where his mother, even at the age of 70, gets shouted at all the time by his father. He has been raised this way. They think this is manly behavior. At time he is raises his hand and causes physical hurt in various ways. One is left with no choice than to complain with police but most of the times I've noticed in most cases even the police don't take it seriously as these men are connected.

Is there a possibility of bringing some sense to these relationships? Even if the wife doesn't react these guys become irritated and go on using abusive word and provoke intentionally. I agree with you as I too know for sure that (your words)"I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves."
But I am talking about cases where even without the fault of others they misuse their positions.
Looking for guidance.

From a level-headed general view, your question would be replied like this:

What you describe is a fait accompli. The cast has solidified and change is not possible. Some cosmetic changes maybe possible if the husbands cooperate but the basic nature of the men is strongly embedded with certain habits and will not change. Any efforts at change will only produce very opposite reactions and contradictory results.
The husbands have evolved into what they are and who will show them the error of their ways and how?

They have willing women who stick to them nevertheless. Why should they change? They are quite happy as they are. Humans normally do not think or want to bring in change in themselves after their personalities have formed. After the age of 21 or so it is more a question of proving themselves and they will put all their effort in it - never in change.
Societal pressure can bring in some restraint but most societies are too lazy to enforce anything. Nobody wants get embroiled in other's problems. Specially if it concerns the authority of men then of course all men collectively will support their dominance.
Human nature is such that it will justify itself and try to prove that the fault is always of the other guy - in this case of the women. Who will contradict them or get into an argument to prove them wrong or whatever?

The police always treat it as an internal family matter. For frankly, they cannot really do anything except lock up the men on charges of battery and assault – if the women bring in this charge and there is physical, medically proven hurt to show which will stand up in court. Battering women is manly sport and the mindset of the police in India is no different.

What are the women doing? Do they realize they are tacitly approving the behavior of their men? Sure, the question does come up if they have any options in life open to them to take any kind of action; we have to understand their fear of losing the roof over their heads and finding themselves abandoned in the wild of the streets.

I have always felt that most people are where they are because they have sort of agreed to their state. Otherwise they would do something about it. Unless they crave for a change and make the first moves, nothing can be done.

Now what can we do for these women? Do the women have any ideas?

The only medicine these men will understand is force bruter than their own. Is this an advisable route? Where and how to generate this force? Fear is the key here. If we can instill fear in them of severe repercussions, we might open a window into their personas that would force them to act otherwise.

Oh How I wish I could take a few bouncers with me and give them a good dunking and put some fear of god into them.

Then please also see the other side of the picture. Women are no angels. Relationships normally begin on a rosy note. They deteriorate later because women do not realize that the man who is initially totally under her spell will one day wake up. By then women tend to pick up habits or patterns of behavior of their own within the relationship. They start expecting too much. Later when the attraction of their charms has waned, their habits like sulking, pouting and not paying attention to anything but their own wants & wishes can be severe irritants.

When arguments result, which is unavoidable, both take rigid stands as if their positions are inviolate. Resentments start to get entrenched in their respective memories. From this point on, the relationship becomes antagonistic.

Counseling should come in at this stage. Fear of God and kindness of dispositions & other considerations can do a lot to save the situation. But where these are missing, selfishness and arrogance will have their full play and only the worst can be imagined.

Why do we shout when angry

2009-07-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

Why do we shout when we are angry?

I received this question in the mail; and this little story. The story is beautiful and does explain poetically many things but I felt that the question needs to be studied a little more closely and objectively.
First the story:

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger?
Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
'But, why shout when the other person is just next to you?' Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their
hearts get distanced.
To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other.
The angrier they are, the louder they will have to shout to hear each
other through that great distance.'
Have you noticed two people in love?
Because their hearts are very close to each other they talk softly. They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in
their love. Deep love does not even need whispering.

I was pondering over this question yesterday. A small visit into my own self made me realize something.

We shout mainly to hit hard. It is a physical action. The need to hurt the other guy is strong. It is only thoughts of our self preservation that keep us in control. Quite often even this control line is also crossed. People with low mental discipline cross this line with greater speed and ease. Their egos are easily bruised and they have very little to lose as they have very little to live for. It is best to keep a distance from these people as they will let fists fly at the smallest excuse.
I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves. Their indignation is a wonderful act of contrived acting. When we are nitpicking and focusing on faults of others, anger comes easily and with justification. Vaingloriously and righteously we march forward to correct, change and educate this uncouth world.
It is so exhilarating to let one-self go when we see we have the upper hand in a particular argument; especially if the recipient of the anger is not in a position to fight back. In contrast you should see the softness of attitude exuded by Beings who have Compassion and benevolence as the foundation of their persona.
I have observed anger suddenly popping up from somewhere deep inside me. More often by the helplessness I feel. The galling fact of having to accommodate and tolerate gives rise to most bombs of anger.
Mostly anger is the only method available to show how deeply we have been wronged. Verbal abuse is the natural culmination of this aspect. When our intellect or position in society has been attacked we have to let fly. But we cannot go beyond certain limits as we live, although I say it erroneously, in polite society. We want to follow rules of decent and logical behavior which the other person is not prepared to; he may be crossing the line rather more than just subtly by infringing on our rightful space. The legal system cannot always be counted on to provide relief. Our seething is also a show of our helplessness. Living with louts is such a pain.
But then the next question is why and about what is all this anger. Is it worth it? Can’t we live without it? I have understood that with wisdom the need or putting it another way, the irritants become less and less. When we see the continuity of life and the state of the Creation, a little introspection and a visit into our subconscious will show that we are acting and reacting more by certain habits than a real need to be angry. We have been conditioned that way and we are only carrying forward some patterns received from the human chain.
I have often observed irritation precedes a full show of anger in me. And if there is no backlash, it grows in intensity as it is poured out. Often when my little one is “NOT LISTENING”, I am able to restrain myself saying she is but a child but the other side of logic says that she has to be corrected and shown the error of her ways. (I suppose we feel this way towards the whole world). But now she is telling me back that if I do not “listen” to her she will get angry at me. She is reflecting my own behavior. We want her to listen to us and she wants us to listen to her. It is an impasse. So what is the right way to tackle this situation?
We can break this pattern by dint of effort to rationalize and teach ourselves new tricks. Subconscious patterns can over-power us before our will power and reason has a chance to kick-in. So this process needs time and continuous vigilance. The effects of our effort will start showing when we become less serious about the vagaries and stupidities of life and see the whole as a bit of a comedy.
As a parting shot I may add that it has been noticed that men tend to give physical form to their anger while women stick to more verbal methods.

Greeting my child

2009-06-16T18:05:00.001-07:00

Greeting My Child.

Today I can emphatically say that I am angry. What is gone wrong with adults? The insensitivity shown towards my child or for that matter other children simply makes me want to strangle them; don’t be fooled my exterior that is smiling benevolently. What has got my blood boiling you ask?

The thing is that most evenings, my daughter wants to go to my wife’s office to pick her up. As this happens to be after work hours of the bank, my child loves to play around in the open spaces of the bank with no one around to stop her while my wife finishes her day’s quota of work and closes down for the day. All this is fine but take for instance yesterday. On the way in, first we meet the guard who keeps the doors locked and permits only known people to enter. He greets her with a big smile but these words – “Hullo. Who do you want to meet? Your mother? But your mother is not there; the bank is closed.”

You can see the excitement that was shining on the face of the child disappear and concern wash over. I am angry but say nothing. Will it serve any purpose to teach the gentleman that this is not a good way to greet the child by scaring him/her? Where is the fun in this greeting?

Do we as adults greet other by saying things like – Hullo you know your wife just left with another man/ or Did you know your father just locked you out of the house and went away? . We do not think this proper, do we? Then why do we feel this is amusing when we deal with the child who is supposed to be learning from us through our behavior?

Let’s get back to our story. Then we enter the bank and there another lady colleague is encountered and all she has to say is – “Hullo, baby, where are you going? Your mother is not there! My poor child is now upset and looking at me. I wink at her and keep my mouth closed although I am seething inside. I quietly pull her away and we walk on and enter the big hall where my wife has her desk but she is not at in her chair. Her colleague who is sitting nearby and well known to the child says to my daughter: “Oh you have come for your mother? But she is not there.” My child is now really more than upset. Thank God that she does not so easily trust anybody. She holds my hand tight in concern. I tell her that mummy has gone to the toilet and she will be here soon. This time I show my displeasure but only in my eyes as I make it clear that I am not happy at seeing him. But did he get the message or just thought of me as uncouth.

The worst is yet to come. Some new recruits were around. My daughter had just painted a wooden house and was eager to show her handiwork, which she does to her mother. The new recruit, a young lady of some merit, asks my daughter who made it. And of course she says, I made it. With her limited vocabulary to her “make” “paint” all are the same. The young lady shows her adultness by remarking “No you did not make it. You are lying”. A straight accusation without a second thought. I dare to do the same with another adult. I was livid with disgust.

Had it not been in the bank, and out of consideration for my wife, I would have lashed out at these so called wise and intelligent adults of the human race. What’s with these adults? Is this all they know about talking to children? Is this their idea of a joke(sic)? Are these the people who are setting shining examples for the next generation? God save this human race!

Hidden Messages

2009-06-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

.Have you ever experienced the situation when you wrote something and the other party misunderstood it or interpreted it differently, sometimes to the extent of even getting hurt or/and insulted. This is what comes when we are too sensitively inclined and read overmuch between the lines for Hidden Messages. “HIDDEN MESSAGES”? What in the name of heaven for?

But this is also a pointer to how we complicate our lives by assigning meanings to things by letting our imaginations roam and fly of the handle. How we interpret situations with angles that are not there. What could be the reason behind it?

One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because I have used it as a gambit in the game of life. Others there may be but would not be so clearly obvious. It is that we want the other guy to say something specific and as we can’t put words in his mouth we goad him to come out with it by purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We use the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings style. The ploy is to show that we have misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why not) directly. In his defense and to keep the goodwill alive the other person then is sort of obligated to say something nice and reconciliatory which is more in line to what we want to hear. We may then continue the playacting by making a show of sulk so that the poor other guy, to keep the relationship alive elaborates further by saying even nicer things in his defense. Wives, every single one of them, use this technique to keep their husbands in line.

For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to say……..” to start an accusation works very well. After this sentence is in the air, the respondent has no other recourse but to go on the defensive and explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot of people have perfected this as an art. In many I have noticed this has become part of their persona. Don’t’ fall for it. You should respond by smiling coolly and changing the subject. Or if something has to be said, say something like” Oh come on! Don’t be an ass!!” and laugh it off. If you are not good at acting etc then stick to the straight and narrow and give him the explanation but remember you’ve been had.

This is something like using reverse psychology. For example I give here an imaginative example: HE- Will you come to the tailor with me; I have to try my new suit? YOU – I wish I could but I have already promised my wife to go out with her to the market. HE – So you don’t care what happens too my expensive investment in this suit?

Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil and tragedies we humans create by being ambiguous and ah, so clever; sometimes just for the heck of it. If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If we make it a habit which others will soon recognize, we would soon avoid so many unpleasant situations.
True, we may lose many acquaintances who waste our time and opportunities that would have perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but we may also be more contended and I think it is all worth it. True friends never go away; rather they relish the candid truth.

Clarity of expression is avoided only where heightened egos are at play. And when these are around, peace and happiness or great achievements never take place. Although I have to admit in the need for tact in life threatening situations it is better to lie and play the game then get into an ugly situation for nothing.

But whatever one may say I would rather do without all this complicated stress with a dagger pointing at me, calculating at all times what is to be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice show in your words or attitude; unfortunately this is the stuff of saints and most humans would only scoff at me.

Let go

2009-06-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

Let go and let live

This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.

Here is one of the conversations:

Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".

One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.

Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?

My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.
He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.

Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:

Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.

People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?

Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.

Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.

The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.

Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.

Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.

First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?

It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.

I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.

It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.

The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.

What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!

Is this the road to Rome?

2009-05-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

Discussing sayings (9)

Accumulation Vs Passing-it-on.

- In the pursuit of learning, everyday something is acquired. In the pursuit of Tao, everyday something is given away. – Lao Tzu
- Do not struggle. Go with the flow of things and you will be yourself at one with the mysterious unity of the universe. – Chuang Tzu

Everyone is talking of Happiness. Let me talk about unhappiness. Why are we unhappy? In other terms this question reflects our inner being’s query of which way to happiness. If we can find a way to cut out unhappiness, then surely happiness would result? We need to delve a little deeper.

Do you ever feel the Universe? Are aware of its flow? Have you ever been lonely and in that state of self-pity which is also a state of questioning, wondered where all of this was moving to? Life comes and goes. The rivers flow on and on. The plants grow and grow.
Something is moving towards something; in spite of our inability to see the bigger picture.

In contrast see how we pattern our lives. The very first mistake is that we do all to stop the flow. First we cut ourselves from the “everflowing” that is happening all around us. Then we purposefully train ourselves to acquire and accumulate. This becomes our wealth. Then we put all our energies in saving it from grabbers and are mostly worried sick. Then when all this activity has provided us with all our wealth, it is often time to move on which we fight against tooth and nail. Is this the way to happiness?

The saying “Live happily ever after” is a joke played by humanity on itself. First there is no ever after. It is all in the now. The present now creates the future now; and our miserable existence rebirths itself everyday. So perhaps it is time to sit by the river and growing trees and re-ponder over the question and rework our priorities. Let’s ask ourselves the ultimate question “Quo Vadis?” – wither goest thou? Life is not there to accumulate things; that is conclusively clear. Then what is it? But then who am I to be professing so much? Let me speak from the greater personalities who have seen the error of our ways and have shown the way to be followed. I have learnt that having too much is in-prisoning and we must learn to live with less and let the rest move on. And the knowledge acquired has to be put into practice or it stales, locked up in the head.

- In the pursuit of learning, everyday something is acquired. In the pursuit of Tao, everyday something is given away. – Lao Tzu
- Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do. - Goethe
- Remember people or for that matter the universe, remember you for your actions; not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold but then so does a hard-boiled egg. - unkown
- Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. Napoleon Bonaparte
- Never mistake motion for action. - E Hemingway

From the above it is clear. That everything comes to us and that the universe is taking care of things if we shall let it; if only we can grow out of our narrow-minded agendas but everything also needs to be later passed on. Or will get passed on willy-nilly.

So perhaps to not be unhappy we just need to learn to flow rather than grow too many rigid roots and not stick on to what we really do not need?

Finally got my book off the ground

2009-05-07T17:21:00.001-07:00

2009-05-05T08:30:00.001-07:00

17 artists from all over have got together to show case their offerings in a book.
Name of the book: The ABC of ARTnership.
Full color paperback, 154 pages
Will be available on Amazon.com from June onwards.
Identy Code nos:
EAN-13 9781442165359
ISBN 1442165359
You can see some of the wonderful pieces on offer in this slide show: Pl clik on this link:
http://www.slide.com/r/Fnu-gedt6j9HFzY-yA5afpPw_ykngdsh?previous_view=mscd_embedded_url&view=original

The book is a piece of Art by itself. You'll love to browse through it, gift it, keep it on your coffee table.
Artists featured are:

Kiran Soni Gupta, PK(Pradeep), Shirish Vasant Deshpande, R C Sharma, Martha Philbeck, William Lieberz, Nin Tanneja, Woody “Charcoal”, Rashi Gupta, ”Magnussa” Elisabeth, Narendra Srivastava, Prof Aekka Y Rao, Shalini Sinha, Imelda Maguire, Nataera, Sonia Singh, Shiva Hiremath

For more details contact: PK at gunaspublishing@yahoo.com
Thanks & Regards
PK

Not listening

2009-05-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

The Art of not listening

Do you like to live your life your way? Then you must absolutely cultivate the art of not listening. Don’t be fooled by all these lectures on listening that will improve your life by making you more efficient and bringing in more value to your existence. It is absolute baloney. Listening never did any good to anybody. It only brings duties and commitments and who wants any of this?

Look at this guy hogging the road or even that pedestrian walking merrily in the centre of the road. Both have been taught and told, I am sure often enough, to be a little more “giving” and considerate; if not for others at least for their own selves. From their behavior you would believe that they both acquired white hairs by standing under the sun. Then coming down to the immediate present, no amount of honking seems to affect them. Are they deaf? No sir, nothing of this. They are tax payers so they have rights and the roads are for public use; although I would keep my fingers crossed when making this statement.

The art of not listening has some techniques that can be mastered by anybody.

First obviously is to go deaf. Refuse to allow a certain level of higher frequencies to titillate your nerves in the ear. What will the other guy do? Hang you by the nearest tree?! There is really no point in being considerate and raising our blood-pressure levels, is there?

Second, learn to convert every exchange into an argument. Put the other guy in the position to having to clarify. Any stupid remark will do as long as it is made as an accusation. Keep this up till the poor other guy gives up and rearranges his life to cut you out. The problem is that this technique is used mainly in marriages where cutting out is not so simple. It would be better then to learn to grin and bear it.

Third, treat every question as an incriminating statement and answer accordingly with a lot of anguish and hurt in your voice and demeanor. Your words should show it by saying immediately in response something like: you are always shouting at me. The idea would be clearly to put the other guy on the defensive; the subject then getting conveniently brushed under the carpet. The other guy will eventually realize that he has been had but what can he really do except grind his teeth?

Fourth, be the nice guy. Grunt a yes sounding something and almost certainly do your own thing unless it is blatantly against your good health policy.

Fifth, is by changing the activity. Let us say you are watching the TV and your partner starts speaking to you. Immediately start fluffing the pillow with a loud noise then say sorry and then ask him to get you a glass of water. This does require a little presence of mind but practice makes perfect.

Sixth, just lose your temper. This will act as rumble-strips and slow the other fellow down and even embarrass him. Take advantage of the situation and accuse him of everything you can think of. It will not only take care of the present situation but make him downright scared for even daring to open his mouth in the future.

Happiness is in not listening.

En Repos

2009-04-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

Lying down after a day's work

Gods at the crossroads
From what I can gather from the actions and conversations of people, God is the Creator of this world and runs this world. We are supposed to be one of his children or are we and have imposed the idea of being his children so that He is forced to treat us as His children and take care of us?

God is all that we aspire of and the highest Aspiration that we can conceive of; or at least so we lead ourselves to believe.

We would rather die hungry but build temples. We would allow ourselves to be impoverished but dress up our God in silk and gold. We shower the best foods on our Gods and hope that He will be pleased and in return offer us goodies four-fold beyond our expectations.

Everyone designs his God in his expectations so a plethora of Them roam this earth. How real are they? Do they have any basis in some real phenomena? Can anyone really prove it? We really do not have answers so the argument is unendable and enclosed within its parameters are all the ills, evils and kindness of the human race.

Humans are an ingenious breed. Once the Gods have been appeased, their importance is immediately placed on the practical balance of everyday affairs and if needed they are sidelined. Often we have no time to give them the obeisance we believe is due to them so we strike a bargain by putting them up at crossroads; this permits us to pay our daily prayer without side-stepping into a temple.
It is another matter that this same God whom we pray to is left to toast under the sun, or be dry-cleaned under the rain and chilled in the winters. He is there finally to serve us and his place is where we need him at our convenience.
If it has to be at the confluence of cross-roads then so be it.

The miniature versions soon become a nuisance and are immediately thrown under a tree or in a stream when they have served us. One does wonder what value we are giving to our Gods. See the number of Greeting card with the Gods adorning them to be crushed underfoot and/or thrown out with the common garbage?

Silence is Golden. Discussing the sayings. 8

2009-04-25T20:04:00.001-07:00

Silence is Golden. Discussing the sayings. 8

How often do you go out, sit in your rocking chair and listen to birds and the trees and perhaps the butterflies?

I asked this above question to a group focusing on meditation.

One of the replies is: My inclination lies in Silence -this has been the place in which I have felt at greatest ease. Being an Observer, or Silent witness, conscious of my Real Self, is my way of life, and my Meditation lies on that path.

This is a beautiful reply.

Silence is the best environment to be in. It is the strongest and most creative place. It is only in silence that others can speak to us. The universe is waiting for the din in our heads to quieten down so that it could put in a word or two. But we forget everything and focus on our ability of speech and we never have seemed to learn to stop. A little quietening down is absolutely essential both for growing and for renewal. We need also a little balancing act with ourselves to equate and see ourselves in reflection; ourselves as our own witness comparing and analysing so that we can know where improvement is needed. The flowers and butterflies are silent but in action at the same time.

Yes this is the enigma. Speaking in silence is the trick.
The flowers, the cloud formations, the flowing water and the shimmering reflection of the lights of the cities in water, the he waves crashing on the beach and so many other activities that do their thing, communicate but never say a thing. How entrancing they are. There is something in these forms of happenings that attract our attention and gels with some part of our being. If it were not so, why would we want to collect butterflies and put the flowers in pots? This is speech of a kind. We can speak with the eyes, eyebrows, actions and movement can’t we? The same way Mother Nature speaks to us in various hues and modes. If only we would listen.

I am a practioner of silent action. Once when I was in the neighborhood park with my child who had learnt to walk recently and she was exploring the world of the grass, flowers, swing and other exciting things, an older gentleman sitting and watching us remarked that I rarely said anything to the child but that I simply followed her around.
This is point that could be elaborated a bit. The thing is that I was totally focused on the pleasure of discovery that my child had created. I normally went to the park at a time when it would not be crowded. So we could open ourselves out in comparative aloofness. But although the appreciation of the gentleman came as a pleasant surprise, this is the truth: my child and I were communicating fully although without the medium of speech.
I do not believe in over guiding, teaching or counseling. Better to wait for the right moment and make a remark based on the truth of my own experience, philosophy and experience. This has more impact than continuous lecturing.

2009-04-22T22:37:00.001-07:00

Discussing sayings (7)

Dressing by women is a cross between their need to clothe themselves and their instinct to undress. – attributed to Confucius ( although I doubt it).

I am a believer. Look at his picture taken from today’s newspaper:

Does that leave much room for discussion? What I glean into their deeper consciousness, I would say that they have been wired by Mother Nature to mate and populate; thereby fulfilling Mother nature’s need for able bodied humans to keep her Creation going forward.

The converse side is the need to protect oneself from too much attention and of Mother nature herself; she being so unkind as to buffet us with cold winds and blazing heat whenever her whims take her.

To my understanding the question has been stretched rather. The females would have by now realized that with minor changes of lines they are all the same. They are really killing the goose by over exposure. Soon nobody would be attracted by their charms even if they stood on a platform and danced naked. So how does it serve them? Even in the short run, in the jungle of today’s city culture wolves are behind every door-post and corner.

No I think they simply don’t know what they want. They want attention and appreciation but insist on controlling the admirer. Who ever heard of a tiger being controlled when unleashed? I think there is a case here of over valuation and then misery that follows in its wake.

Yesterday I was watching a French movie. A young boy of a single mother had just consumed sleeping pills and his distraught mother was blaming herself; while the boy was explaining to his teacher in the ambulance that he had not wanted to commit suicide but simply wanted to sleep as he had not been able to do so thinking about his girl. In the next shot his mother is shown explaining to him how much she loves him. It seems she had him when she was madly in love with a chef who later moved to New York on a lucrative job offer. She was to join him later as visas are difficult to obtain. But she could simply not put in the effort to pack her suitcase to make the move. The pain and distress she must have caused. She promised him that she would come but never did as she had found her love in her son.

Selfish and stupid wasn’t it? Then I am certain in my heart that she wanted to go but was not going to price herself so low as to go on her own. She was secretly waiting for him to come over and take her along. While the poor man secure in his thoughts that she would come never really understood the situation and never did. Eventually the drift became permanent.

What did she achieve by playing hard to get? Why hook a guy in the first place? I have not acquired enough wisdom yet to answer all these questions but I see for sure that she lost her man, gave him pain and created problems for herself and her son by depriving him of a father’s attention and direction and so much else.

Don’t they see the amount of anguish this business of undressing is causing?

Topping Insults

2009-04-12T16:02:00.001-07:00

Discussing the “Sayings” (5)

If you can’t ignore an insult, top it. If you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved. – J.Russel Lyne

I find a great beauty and truth in this saying and in my own life has it has happened more than once. I have never been able to top an insult. The exchange or attack got me seething alright and I would have loved to see the guy’s head blown off. But outside I kept my composure and some remnant of dignity.

Topping an insult is what I would dearly like to do. But I don’t know what happens to me then. I just can’t ever think up one retort at that moment. Later I would not be able to stop myself by coming up with hundreds of brilliant ones but never – never at that particular moment. I suppose it requires a presence of mind I just don’t have. At that moment in time I am so shocked and hurt; my ego and self-regard in shreds that my thinking process freezes over. Then at the back of my mind another background noise is at work. I cannot stop thinking about the brawl I may be getting into. Brawls mean complications, waste of time and even money which I don’t have.

There was no way I could really laugh it away either; that would have been too darned demeaning.
My education has been faulty. I have been taught to be precise, correct and sincere. My spiritual peace is important therefore my mental makeup does not go for exaggeration except when I am obviously aiming for humor. The picture I have obtained from unsavory exchanges is that the art of insulting requires truckloads of a coarse dishonest streak that comes with an ability to lie off like a heartless scoundrel.

There is also attached to this criteria the ability to weave a fact into an insinuation as a foundation and then top it with an accusation; the idea being to attack the person and not the subject. Only an idiot would try to clarify himself in this situation. Some often do get tempted and soon realize that every time they open their mouth they are only giving the opponents some added ammunition.

I am just 5 foot four, 60 kgs(140 lbs) and with age, strength diminishing with joints getting sore and painful. I am terribly scared that a good brawl would develop into a dramatic scene of fist-cuffs flying around and I can’t afford that. No, trying to top insults is not my line and I would not advise it to anybody. What I do is to stare at the guy and maintain an absolute silence both in body and mind. This eventually puts the attacker off and calms him off too. Then I look for an escape route and walk off if I can or if I am on the road get into my vehicle ready to run if the situation permits and while accelerating off, leave a parting shot of words which I have rehearsed often before for these moments. I normally say something negatively nice like; - If you can’t talk like a reasonable man, I am going off. There is no abuse there for my opponent to latch on to for another round and I don’t wait for the prologue anyway.

Then coming back to the element of honesty in my own self, I must admit there is always some basis for the argument to have started in the first place. If I consider myself wise and adept at gauging moods then I should not have allowed myself to enter into a fray of this nature. It can only be stupidity because I let my vanity be pricked or I reacted by anger or something which opened the door for a backlash, fate adding to the occasion by giving me a worthy and most unscrupulous opponent.

Silence and running away are the best solutions. Refuse to engage.

2009-04-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

Discussing the “Sayings” (4)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Once I was reading about the concept of beauty and the parameters by which one judges something as beautiful. From the entire reading I came to the conclusion that it is all a matter of habit. The conditioning a mind receives from its environment and some instinctive elements finally decide what is beautiful. This I put into practice on myself by dispassionately looking at a woman and try to analyze my mental processes to understand if I found her attractive. And I found this to be true. Only certain skin colors and certain facial & curvatious features were of interest. Which means in every locale and every race, the parameters differ.

Then we have this limitation of thinking that only the female of our own species is beautiful and attractive. The male of the species is considered dumb enough to find anything attractive that comes with her along. You don’t think so! You can laugh at me but then why do these car makers and sports people all have dancing girls with their useless antics around. It really sounds terribly immature as if the entire tribe of organizers have no understanding of human nature and they are not simpletons who are manufacturing paper bags by hand in a back room for the roadside peanut vendor.

The car maker who has put his entire dollar’s worth in designing a luxury car and given it a shape and shine to beat any natural beauty, then goes out to destroy his piece of art by surrounding it by bevies of ladies who I often find downright unattractive. I always wish they would go away so that I could see the car better. Try and imagine being in The Louvre & The Mona Lisa made more attractive to attract viewers by a collection of young ladies around her. Ridiculous is the word that would come to mind.

I watch basketball, cricket or other sports because I find the action interesting but when I open the TV what do I get? First the breaks with commercials and then these skimpily dressed young females of the species trying to make the setting livelier. Somebody has definitely got the equation wrong. Do they really think all their viewers are morons who have only one pleasure in life and that is to gape at the opposite sex? They not only upset our viewing pleasure but insult our intelligence too.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. - Franklin D Roosevelt.

I read recently about a young girl of 15 having committed suicide by hanging herself because she was afraid that she would fail in her exams. The results have not even been announced. I wonder what values and demands on their psyche have been imposed by their parents and people around them for certainly they are to blame.
It is horrifying to see semiliterate people wanting their children to excel as if to compensate for their own shortcomings. Can’t they bring up their children with a dose of love, respect and appreciation?
What have these parents done to expect so much of their progeny? Why are egos and stupidity so prominent in their make-up?

One of the biggest problems humans create for them selves is that they live for others. What will they think is more on our minds then living out our own lives?

When people have nursed their egos all their lives, it is difficult to forget something that hurts their self-esteem, their amour-propre. When we have conditioned ourselves to like appreciation even if comes thru the achievements of our children, we are imposing on them a useless burden. We make many objects, actions and various habits a matter of pride that we feel gives us the separate and exclusive identity we crave in this crowded world. But this is restrictive in the sense that it fences us in and we then fight tooth and nail to remain within the fence rather than enjoy life.
Take it easy. Patience. Nothing is ever the end. Do your best. Teach these to the kids first letting them out of your sight.

Start of Civilisation

2009-04-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. – Sigmund Freud

I can visualize the day and situation. Here is somebody confronted by a bigger and better armed hunter and the lesser guy who has had to hone-up on his intellectual skills to survive is in a no-win situation. So he gets this brainwave and hurls an insult and most perhaps runs for his life. The first intellectual salvo has been hurled and the next step in the evolution of man taken place.

What a beautiful way to put it. I must grant Freud the accolade of being a seer. But I wish he was here today and he would have seen how his observation has gone a step further.

As civilization kept on maturing and the intellect kept on growing, refinements were added. There were small kingdoms and then bigger kingdoms and then huge unwieldy empires. People had to be educated and pioneers were afoot. The control slowly slipped from the few to the many. But the many, specially the intelligent ones were busy making money or running productive lives so they chose the never-do-well ones to become leaders and called this choosing democracy. These in turn came together and met in a body they called the Parliament or Congress and they in turn chose the most incompetent and most easily influenced type as their President or Prime Minister. Things were going well but then these leaders began to think too much of themselves and their stupid decisions began hurting the very people who had put them there.

Civilization had reached a point of no return and hurling insults was not working. You could see the centuries of refining of social norms spiraling out of control. You can judge this by examining some of the trends. See how music from calm, elevating experience has changed form slowly from polka to symphony to jazz, from quadrille to waltz to rock-n-roll and the wild zanghy music and let-me-be of today’s wild gyrations. You can see it in the transformation of languages. The courtesy and kindness shown in interactions has now been replaced by grunts and heartless SMSs which take much too long to decipher and leaves the recipient confused.

See the art side. The subtlety of Reuben and Renoir went the Picasso way and now even monkeys and elephants are featured as artists.

And lastly to make my point even clearer, we have had to use coarser and louder methods to be seen and heard. Words do not create any effect on the thick skinned leaders who have first created so much displeasure that people have risen in arms and then to protect themselves these leaders have now surrounded themselves with more arms and they keep on developing more sophisticated arms instead of listening.

Is it a wonder then that hurling solid objects is back in vogue and we are seeing this phenomenon catching on?
Civilization is not fully dead; now they are throwing shoes!

Civilization has gone full circle and we are back in the Stone Age although we now do it in T shirts and shoes. Perhaps to differentiate between now and then, we should call it the Shoes Age.

Disscusions

2009-04-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

Discussing Sayings. No.1

Doing nothing is better than Being Busy Doing Nothing. – Lao Tzu

This sounds simple. Have you ever tried to do nothing? You will be surprised how difficult it is to do nothing. It requires letting go of the feeling that if you don’t do it things will not get done.
Then who will make my breakfast you would ask and who will broom the place? You are right; these things do need to be done but let us look at the world at large.
This saying is for agitated people who cannot sit still and who have overactive minds. They have to be up and doing even there is nothing to be done. These people are a pain in the neck because in the name of assisting they interfere and upset the equilibrium all over the place. Asking them to sit still tantamount to punishing them and asking to keep out and away, will make them jump to conclusions and even more agitations.
Doing nothing requires to let the world run itself, enjoy the moment, bask in aloneness and savor silence. It is another matter that this repose is also therapeutic both for the body and spirit.

The Most Common Way People give up their Power is by Thinking that They Don’t Have Any. – Alice Walker

We talk and discuss how the world is tearing apart and everything we valued is breaking up. And as a footnote we never forget to add –“but then what can we do?” When we notice a mistake, an injustice happening, something out of place, do we do something or give ourselves the excuse of squarely blaming the authority like the Municipality, Police and the Government?
If there is a stone in the middle of the road, how many of you would stop to remove it? By not acting and using the power of the individual as a person you are simply forgoing it. Then you are also giving the others to as they will and your own right to raise objections.

Believe Nothing, No Matter where you read it or who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason, experience and common sense. – attributed to Buddha.

This definitely the path of right action but if you observe with intent, you will clearly see umpteen examples of it never being practiced. The confidence and panache with which people will talk things they have no idea about is a phenomenon about humans which never ceases to surprise me. If you ask them how and where they learnt about and on what authority they base their claims, the chances are that you will get the reply “They say….” The truth is that we say, think and act in synch to suit our needs of the moment and everything we do is a back-up to justify our desires of the moment. We behave not by reason but by what is convenient and as we shall never admit or agree to it there is not much point in pursuing the subject.

2009-04-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

A bucket of ice-cream just for me?

Oh wow

What's this world coming to?

Money is made by exclusivity

2009-03-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

Money is made by exclusivity.

I notice everybody is selling something similar. Nobody is selling or giving me the product/service I really want.
Everyone in selling is looking for easy-money: sitting at home and selling thru emails and friends. Why should anyone buy from you and help you sell when they have somebody in the neighborhood doing the same?

Exclusive ideas with real money making potential have no takers. It is too much bother.

Anyway the world can go its way. I understand the simple truth in Dale Carnegie's statement: Find out what they want and give it to them.

From India I can offer something that you can rarely find elsewhere: Made to order goods or service in single pieces or small quantities.

If you are a designer wanting to have your design developed into a full-fledged product, or looking for exclusively made goods, individualised product pieces or anything that requires special extra effort so that you have in your hands exactly and precisely what you want, then I can help you. It does not matter if you need one piece or many in small or large numbers.
Just contact me on my private email: s164gk1@yahoo.com. Send me the design of your requirement and I will get back to you with what can be done.
Your product can be in any material, requiring any kind of hand or machine talent. I will get the production organised.
I am a qualified Designer, Businessman of some standing, have vast experience in getting custom-made products and exporting them. You may get a glimpse of what I have been doing by visiting: http://sites.google.com/site/pradeepmaheshwaris164gk1del/.
Best wishes

Soul Speak

2009-03-25T05:09:00.000-07:00

Soul Speak

100 of my selected essays have been condensed and edited into a new book SOUL SPEAK with an attempt to make it easier to read, to the point and concise.

You are invited to see and read it at:http://pk.posterous.com/soul-speak

Unusable advice

2009-03-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

Unused and Unusable Advice.

HR units and Trainers are tumbling upon each other and doing great work to give yeoman’s advice to people so that they can improve themselves, execute their jobs better and fit in the working environment with success. I feel most of it goes down with no one and achieves very little. Especially all the writings and short advice columns one sees in journals of all description. It is all a lot of useless effort with the advice sounding good on the printed pages but rarely achieving anything; mainly because the theoretical aspect is related by the readers with the facts with difficulty if at all. Then if the reader has not had some experience to back up his reading he would never understand the relevance of the topic at all because he would not be able to correlate the two.

I have today picked up some gems from a journal where the writer is trying to help his readers to enhance their potential. Every word he says is right but useless too.

See what a brainy young man, who has just joined the workforce, has to say:

COMMUNICATE WELL.
Well what makes you say I do not communicate well to begin with? In school and college I used to even be appreciated for my language and clarity of communication. I was winning debates. I am very confident that my language is good and my grammar correct. Everyone I know in my family and friends said so. What more is needed? Then you say “Be persuasive”. What do you mean? Am I not good at getting things done? Very few people refuse me what I want. I have a string of happy clients to prove it. You say; Try and adopt effective communication skills. Whatever are they and have I not explained my point already?

THINK THREE STEPS AHEAD.
Do you think I am a seer? How do I see ahead? Everything in life is a team effort and most people just don’t put in their 100%. If things are not turning out well, am solely to blame? Ok I know that I must take this into calculations but that I already do. That is: as much as I know about the game. Then, where is the problem? And if you feel I do not calculate the exigencies well then let me ask you, have you taught us what is what in this game?

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND SHORT.
Have you tried the technique yourself? What interest do I have in talking on and on to explain my point? We are all at work, doing our jobs. The others are supposed to know what they are doing and they are equally responsible. The problem is that they never do. They know that after all it is my baby and the axe will not fall on their heads. Tell me of one person who would know how to get an ounce of seriousness into these guys. Even after crossing the Ts for them, they go and do the very thing they were told to guard against. I assume you have never tried to sell anything with a sales target quota dangling on your head?

STAY IN HIGH SPIRITS
Frankly I miss the point entirely. With all these untrained lumber loaders around my neck putting spoke in my wheels at every stage of life it is easy to say. There is a saying: The advisors don’t have to pay for it. First I am needed to delegate, then supervise and finally end up redoing it all by myself again. At work it is a madhouse and home is no place to relax and you ask me to stay in high spirits. Have you ever worked in a team which was not of your choosing; where you have all the responsibility but no authority?

ADOPT A FRESH APPROACH.
Shall I fire the team and get a new one? Change my job? Or do you mean I am incompetent? If I were not certain of my methods would I be following them? Why would anyone think this is purposeful advice? Where were these teachers when we were at school and they were appointed for shaping us for life? These people who now want us to change are the ones who taught us earlier or of the same ilk. Then they would not hear a word we had to say. Discussions were discouraged and insistence was taken as argument and opposition. Now when we have been certified as ready for managing our lives and the affairs of men, we are told to forget our old self and recreate into another image. For them it is mere words but have they tried to improve themselves?

BUILD A TEAM
I knew you would be coming to this eventually. How much choice do I have in life? Did I choose my parents, family, friends, schools, teachers then what makes you think I have any choice about the boss or the team I have? It is so easy to string a few words that mean nothing. It only shows that you have read a few books and become a trainer but with little experience of life. Get your nose to the grinding wheel and let’s meet again in a few years.

And so on and so forth.
I have yet to meet a person who would listen and admit that he has room for improvement. Just to impress the boss and the entourage they may often make a show of humility by saying yes they have faults with a lot of room for improvement. But it is all a sham. They know what they are. They are quite impressed by their selves. The world likes to find fault and criticize. That is the way of the world and best forgotten or ignored for the good of their mental health.
What sounds good and virtuous is left best alone as wonderful words on paper that will go nowhere and take nobody anywhere.

Good day.

offended

2009-03-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

OFFENDED

This quote popped out t me like a shot. And it put into beautiful words something that I was trying to understand. Everything became clear in a flash. Edward R Murrow says: Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.

That doesn’t leave much doubt does it? This is how I have been feeling and interpreting my experience as; here is somebody who not only agrees with me but he has put the same into such lucid words. I can see my entire experiences reflected in this one sentence. The irony in this observation is that no one will agree that they are being difficult just to prove that they are also somebody. From an exterior angle most behaviors & utterances can easily be interpreted in many different hues. Is there a deciding parameter to justify who is being difficult and who is being critical, diffident or nice? No and there is no point going to into it.

The truth is always way above and out of the realm of arguments. If a state of argument exists then the first principle that it is not the truth is already at work. So instead of arguments many people use the vehicle of incrimination to keep the others off guard. There is not only an element of purposeful insincerity but also a malevolent intent. It is bullying in the most gentlemanly manner. They keep on throwing verbal stones of accusations and leave you only two options: either you start a long diatribe of explanations which in turn get ripped and require more self-deprecating explanations thereby binding you in an unending jam or you show indignation and try to out shout/argue the other guy down. Either way you have lost because the oppressor has got you where he wanted you. If you try to hurt him back the bully then gets physically violent or threatens to and this sword is allowed to dangle over your head in practically a permanent state. Eventually as you are not made in the same insensitive mould your first instinct is to avoid all contacts and save yourself from irritating situations. But the sword is always dangling.

Talking theoretically may seem as if all is said and explained but my opinion is that until a point is illustrated, there is always a margin for impulsive and lax interpretations of a statement. As it is the words can convey only limited notions. The feeling and the 3D drama is fully lost in the telling. Still one thing can be said without much margin of error in interpretation that people do use a nose-up in the air style and keep others in perennial state of terror as to what barb is coming next. They are clever enough to translate every question or remark of yours into a perceived insult and then use it to pour invectives down on you; with a full bag of righteous justification for it.

This is a subject on which few can go one-up on me. I have a mother who is an expert at it. She has cultivated it to an art form. The regular show of this style can be seen on Indian TV Serials. My mother saw it in real life from her brothers as a lively young daughter of a rather important zamindar. She hasn’t forgotten it and let’s no one else do so either. Her attitude has been steadily bolstered by the regular feed of this characterisation since the last 60 years in our movies. Then to add to my discomfort, now I have a first floor neighbor who along with his wife has made it into a duo act of some refinement

I have an aunt who is a backbiter and congenital liar. Life forced me to go and live with her for a while. Even though it was a very long time ago I have still not gotten over it. In a few months my reputation as a rogue was making headlines in the family. Oh I admit I am a bit of a rascal and this is plainly shown by my irreverent attitude of arguing with my elders and questioning them at every command. Then I had this inspiration. In the midst of my whole family one day I used her own style of being offended and announced to the whole gathering that from that day onwards I was dead for her and there will be no further contact between us. That stumped her and since then I have known peace.

Falling back on my experience, I used the same trick on my neighbor. Now since two years I refuse to reply to him and I don’t say anything to him. I just do what I have to do. No discussions. He is now trapped in his own drama. If he cusses me, he will be seen as the attacker. And as far as possible I avoid him like the plague; even to the extent that I avoid “seeing” him so this does away for any need to even say good morning. Things are nice and cool for the time being.

For the whole of my life I have tried to come close to my mother but on my 60th birthday my patience snapped. I saw clearly that by showing her that I needed her, I have only allowed her to use my affections for her self-agrandissement; I am a mere prop to her self-importance so I have let more than a little coolness & distance come between us. I never say anything to her so she cannot be offended and if what she is saying looks like fault-finding I don’t let her say it and stop her in mid-sentence. I have peace of mind and I am content. I do my thing; she does hers.

The trait of accusing and keeping a front of being offended is very common in the Indian character. But I can safely say even though it is generally the rule as all are in the same boat nobody has recognized it for the nagging negativity it brings into our way of thinking & behavior. Without realizing it we are all unhappy, a little disturbed and irritated at any given times. How did this trait become so dominant in our ethos, I wonder?

Scorned

2009-03-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

A woman scorned.
Read the whole article at: http://pk.posterous.com/scorned
Today when I opened the papers, the first thing that put a smile on my face was a comic strip and a piece of news. I was thoroughly amused. It was also proof that the world was in agreement and in tune with me in many ways. A few days back I was talking of the anger in relationships and how wives can come out with a thunderous clap on the slightest sign of scorn being hinted.

What constitutes nagging and scornful exhibition has not been documented yet. From the comic strip, it would seem that everything said or hinted in contradiction constitutes a scornful act which is absolutely unacceptable. In this comic strip the sentence “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” was being elaborated. The fuming woman was serving dinner and telling her husband –“After a whole day at my job I come back and bake you these potatoes. Saying no thank you will NOT DO!” The news item was more specific. The man had become so fed up by the nagging of his wife that he put her up for sale; we are to believe that they were newly weds too. And wonders of wonders, there were buyers ready too. The wife on her side had a simple explanation: “I don’t think I nag him. He just doesn’t do what I want him to”.

Dead or Alive

2009-03-04T03:12:00.000-08:00

Dead or Alive

Would somebody tell me how valuable I am? Am I more valuable dead than alive?
You would of course say “alive”. Truly you would say I am asking a pointless and silly question. Very well, then would you explain to me why nobody could find time to visit Mr. X when he was alive but all turned out to pay him “respect”(sic) when he finally called it a day? Am I being silly then? Now my own time is not too far off. I was reflecting on my own life. I did the unpardonable by living by my principles and whims instead of the community’s and was rather stark in my annoyance if anyone crossed the line beyond reasonable limits. So today I have the pleasure of rarely receiving anyone from the family; even the ones who found me “super” when younger. They remember my indiscretions, my frank and outgoing speeches and think I am best kept at a distance which suits me fine (I suppose they are afraid I will contaminate the minds of their children).

The other day I was talking to my wife on this subject and I told her when my time comes would she have the guts to ask people to leave me alone in death as they had done in life? I would definitely want it so.

I do wonder why we give so much importance to death and make it such a grim and solemn affair. After-all the departed one could not care less and he could be in no way sad about the turn of events. There is this uppermost enigma in my mind as to why we reserve the eulogizing for the dead while the living ones get all the contemptuous glances and more? There is no love lost before death and after it there is nothing but it. If anyone is looking for proof of the basic elemental dishonesty in human nature one has to simply visit a wake. All their lives those who were dying to hear a kind word have to literally die to hear one!

My father was an intellectual and although he loved company of his friends and family and could easily become the life of the party, he was by virtue of his hobbies and activities happy to be left alone too. When he was younger he was the best placed in the family and helped all his younger brothers to get placed and sisters married off. In time the brothers established themselves and had families and responsibilities of their own. Time for gathering around my father shrinked from days to hours and then to minutes to less and less and by the time he was sixty very few had any time to visit him until and unless they had a problem only his genius could solve. My own bent of spirit is a little on the philosophical side and I took after him in more ways than one and I can say he was proud of me and contented enough to see me doing as well as he had done.

I have always made an effort to find time to be with people I tend to miss. So although my father was in Hyderabad and I was in Delhi, I spent at least 3-4days every month with him religiously. Then one day the ominous call did come. But at his age it was expected and a matter of time. I reached there immediately to take care of affairs and informed all my family who are mainly in the north of India that they should please do me the favor of not rushing down. For one I did not have the personnel and resources to host anyone; and more importantly I wanted to be alone. I told them they would be welcome to visit me and my mother when we are in Delhi in a month’s time. Knowing me they all did as told. We did not miss them and I am sure they were very relieved to avoid this troublesome trip.

I have been one of the lucky ones. I enjoyed exactly 47 years of a close life with my father and my brother. I pride myself in thinking that the delight was mutual. I took time out to spend as much of my days as I could with both of them. I may regret a lot of things but not the time with them. Now that they are gone I feel orphaned. But as it happens in life there are always compensatory comings and goings. My daughter came into my life when I was 58; when I had all the time in the world to devote to her. The last 3 and a half years I have been with her all the time. My wife is a full time employee so the mothering came on my shoulders and I loved it. It has been the loveliest part of my life. The laughter, the kisses, the clinging and the gamboling; nothing can beat it all. Only now that she is growing up and does not need my physical embraces so much I am already beginning to feel the distancing and a wistfulness creeps in. I get to hold her nowadays only when something disturbs her at night and then she slips into my lap and goes to sleep in my arms. How long will the title “Grandest Papa in the Whole World” last? Why do these kids have to grow so fast?

Fair and square

2009-02-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

Fair and Square

My daughter and I were watching Noddy on the TV. All toy town people had just collected a bagful of berries and the toy-town baddies had sneaked around and stolen them. Noddy and the policeman Mr. Plod were after them. Finally they catch up with the baddies. Noddy shouts at them to return the berries. The baddies shout back that they will not only not return the berries but Noddy can’t make them give it back; then, they had stolen the berries “fair & square” and therefore the berries now belonged to them by right.

What beautiful logic! I was amused to see the resemblance to real life in this conversation. I go to the park with my child everyday and allow other children to play with the ball I carry with me. So the ball is either in play with some kid or the other or just lying there somewhere. Some time ago an old lady picked it up and kept it in her lap. I was watching her but did not say anything; later when it was time to go home I went to her and asked for the ball. She wasn’t very keen to return it thinking of it as an abandoned ball. I had to explain to her that I let other kids play but it was mine. She did give it back but not happily. Then some days ago when I was not looking, somebody took it away and I have not seen it since.

Now what was I to think? Why are we so keen to appropriate goods not belonging to us even if it is abandoned? You remember the story of the lamb drinking water at a stream and the wolf comes to him and says that he was dirtying the water for him. But the water is flowing downstream to me says the lamb. Oh that does not matter says the wolf; I am going to eat you anyway. “Any excuse will do”.

How easily we convince ourselves and concoct up proof to support our thoughts and thinking process to our advantage. We all know what is good and bad, correct and incorrect, right and wrong; that is by our society’s standards but yet when it is in our self-interest we look the other way without any qualm of conscience. It is not surprising that even after thousands of years of education, humanity still supports the evil in our nature and it is more in evidence than the good that we preach.

I would definitely like to know what in our nature and way of thinking makes us so. All of us read and expound sacred texts. We are regular goers to places of worship. We attend congregations for listening to advanced souls. We have prayers meetings at home and dutifully promote chanting and gatherings but for some reason all this remains acutely as part of other curricular activities. The philosophies we profess never become part of our active life and do not even scratch the surfaces of our real natures. Are we hard skinned or so insincere in our basic core that nothing can touch us our souls?

We do live a charade. One of the most horrific displays of this nature is the pious and virtuous show we put up in the form of artificial temples and copies of places of pilgrimages and the recent fashion of Chowki platforms to sing the praise of our Gods. The ridiculous is taken to an extreme with the populace rushing for Darshan and a glimpse of the Lord. The statues that are displayed are horrifyingly ugly; the singing is in bad taste by second rate artists and the volumes are designed to shatter all the glasses around. In some performances real theatrical groups are involved which is disgusting and a downright insult to any dignified “show” – definitely nothing Godly and what God would come in these surroundings? It is so downright a display of human stupidity and its ability to pull wool over its own eyes. The worst is that nobody has the courage to speak up although many in privately say how coarse they find it. The saving grace is the dinner that follows.

Why are we so easily swayed to accept the “bad” & and the “unacceptable” even by our own standards? And convince ourselves that all is alright!

Relief from Anxiety,Depression, Stress

2009-02-25T16:51:00.001-08:00

Relief from Anxiety/panic attacks, Depression and Stress

All humans are neither created in the same fabric nor brought up in the same way. Some can take the stress of life calmly because it is already built-in in their inherent nature; others who are more introspective are baffled by the complexities of life and behaviors of others. Their basic natures are trusting, kind and loving. The world unfortunately does not respond kindly to their "soft" nature but always attempts to take advantage of. A "nice" person is always seen as easy meat.If you are looking for relief from all the pressures around you need to first understand that the world cannot be changed. But you can create a buffer zone around you. You need to understand also what is at play and then find in yourself the strength which is already there to create a small world of your own in which only you are you and welcome and which will act as an island of refuge for you.We cannot always change our patterns but by changing some of our activities we can create new paths in our brain’s way of handling things. Try sometimes the concept of De-stressing through Drawing/Coloring with pastel Crayons/Painting in Oil. It is simply impossible to be unhappy with colors in your life. Left to themselves, most humans would go on masturbating with their own morbid thoughts. So they have to be weaned away. The ego of a person will resist so the job has to be done gently. Landscapes with pleasant forms and all elemental natural ingredients in it serve well in this regardAvoid stressed out people.Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”.And learn to relax by any means that you like, find convinient. Things that help you learn are always the best as they enhance the future quality of life.Read more detailed activity report at:http://sites.google.com/site/anxietydepressionstressrelief/

Letting go

2009-02-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

Let go and let live

This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to note.

Here is one of the conversations:

Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the world".One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays with his mother.Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age, separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to work....can you suggest any way out?

My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.

Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.
Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:

Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?

Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.

Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of exposure and examples set by peers.

The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.
Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play; thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to generations.

First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?

It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests; continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.

I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.

It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after them.

The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as indispensable.

What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!

Mending relationships

2009-01-27T18:16:00.000-08:00

MENDING RELATIONSHIPS

A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best of times.

It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.

Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.

Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.

I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give irritating rashes.

I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.

Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly presumptuous!

Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture. Things are now cool and contented between us.

There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.

2009-01-26T03:06:00.001-08:00

TIRED for Nothing.

My wife is one of the pillars of our country. She works so that people like me can enjoy a life of bliss. I am definitely one of the hangers-on; living away from the hustle-bustle of modern day life and inconveniences. I am so used to the calm and silences in my life that getting out of the house seems like being dropped in a cauldron. The down side of living as a hanger-on is that we have to go where we are lead. So outings are decided by the time availability of my wife and I am taken along for the convenience; after all somebody has to drive the car, hold the baby and the bags, give technical advice on goods and products and if necessary talk the shop-keeper down.

Now we are from the middle class. This means we cannot afford to go shopping in air-conditioned malls or other exotic locales; although I do remember going to one mall some time ago to have the experience. The place was full of young people with no place to go and the shops were empty. After a while I just wanted out of there. Coming back to my story, we go to one of the largest middle class shopping centers in town called the Sarojini Market. From a sleepy market it has now become one of the most crowded and vibrant but in its favor one has to say that everything we are looking for we find them there and also many things that irritate us.

Saturdays and Sundays are the only days we have free time. Unfortunately the whole town suffers from the same symptom. The shops are fine, even the crowd can be tolerated. What makes the experience tiresome is the walking area is full of well entrenched hawkers taking up the whole place and the shopkeepers displaying their wares outside the showrooms, taking up the walking area. Then the itinerant sellers with their wares on their shoulders keep coming on, they stand right in your path and ask you to buy their hankies, belts or tablecloths - the list is long. I feel like giving them one. To add to the melee are the beggars.

Dirt from spitting, garbage and the attitude that every corner is a dustbin if not a toilet forms part of the larger picture.

So the poor visitors who make the market hum are left struggling with 4 feet of space to wander in. It is shoulder to shoulder experience and the fear that your pocket will be picked. I go there because I have to but after precisely an hour or so, I absolutely demand a glass of cold coffee. This revives me for about twenty minutes. Then when the going becomes unbearable, we enter any of the showrooms that have created a haven by glass and air-conditioning. We pose at looking at their wares and obviously find nothing of interest. Revived then we go on again.

And I wonder why I am getting so tired in this surrounding. Is it the carbon dioxide in the air or just my sensitivity or something else? Of course the attitude of the people we end up interacting with is very “do-your-thing-quickly-and-go”; polite but couldn’t care less.

Then I chanced to read a passage in the TOI from the Karuna Wellness Centre. The writer says: “Stress is physically infectious. People under stress radiate stress energy to the surroundings through their chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty and rude to others”. I find this explanation perfectly explaining the fatigue I feel. The relief I get on getting out of the market is palpable; as if coming out of a sauna.

The auras of others are not the only thing I would say. When you are used to cleaner environment and have spent a lot of time in beautifying your space, and you wish to live a “beautiful” life, you are annoyed and it shows when you have to tolerate the mess and dirt created by others – specially in public places. I have always used the condition of the toilet area as an indicator of the mentality of the owners and a very fine pointer to the environment and attitudes I will meet there. I have rarely been wrong.

I have often wondered why as a people we are so callous about the cleanliness of public spaces. Just look at this picture.

This is the entry to the market of Greater Kailash 1 market; one of the poshest colonies or at least with a very rich class of residents. People from all over come here. This is where they park their stylish cars worth a few fortunes. But nobody complains so there is a tacit acceptance. When shall we insist on getting the best? Because as Somerset Maugham says: Those who insist on the best normally get it!

It has to be a collective effort.

Best Wishes
PK
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Being rude

2009-01-22T16:36:00.001-08:00

Deliberately Rude.

From those times of the beautiful people when good manners were deliberately studied and cultivated and the populace tried to ape them as far as they could, just to be called gentlemen, we have now reached the other end of the spectrum, where being deliberately rude seems to be “IN”. It is not an isolated phenomenon. You can go to any corner of the world and you are confronted with humans who refuse to recognize your presence and if they do, they do it with obvious displeasure with grunts or expletives that would have been considered vulgar or abusive some 30 years ago.

The question is why. Are they doing it deliberately? Are they just awfully lacking in education? Are they making a statement of sorts?

If they are doing it deliberately then where did they see the need of it in the first place? If they are lacking in education, once they are out in the world, they could easily learn from example of others around them but they don’t. If they are doing it to make a statement, then of course the question is what is it?

It makes me go back to the generation divide question. Every generation announces itself by doing something shocking to make the elder generation take note of their presence and separate identity. I suppose something of the same order is taking place here. The world now belongs to machines and their operators. The middle class with its basic values and education has been edged out. What can we expect?

A deeper study of some instances will make it very obvious.
1) The Girl at the counter of a store today; her job is specific. She has to take the products that you have decided to buy and placed in your basket, pass them over the electronic bar reader and take the money from you. She has no need to know anything about the product or its price of anything at all. The display counter shows the total. Your job is to hand over the cash. All the education the girl needs to be able to count the cash. Every aspect of the thinking and calculating part is done by the machine. Does she need to talk? Not if she does not want to. Just because you have bought an expensive perfume from her store, does not mean she has to be polite to you!

2) The taxi driver; you wave him down. If he stops (Note the “IF”) you get in the car. You give him the address and shut up. When you reach there, if you have the rudimentary education to read the meter, you look at the display and pay with a tip for the favor done to you and quickly get out. Displays of camaraderie and even polite greetings are not in order.

3) I go for lunch in a pretty expensive restaurant which happens to be in a busy part of the town. I finish lunch and wish to linger over a coffee. But the waiter has other ideas. He takes away the plates, removes the tablecloth and brings out a new one, snaps it pat into my face and starts laying down the table again for the next customer. The message was clear.

Things are getting worse. At the petrol pump the trend is toward self service. At the store the passing of money is now limited to swiping cards and if technology has its say, this too will be eventually done from a distance. Deliveries are being made at home. The trend is toward minimum human interaction. Any attempt towards conversation, even the commenting on the weather becomes an infringement of the right to remain aloof. Their privacy and freedom is paramount which includes the right to be stupid and a disturber of the peace. You are allowed only to hear their voice when they are incessantly talking on their cell-phones and forcing you to listen to their inane chatter.

The other day two people were standing quite in the middle of the road with their scooter in between them and have a serious and important talk. From what I could see, they were deliberately showing off their presence. After years on the road, even these morons would know that other vehicles could be passing by and would be dangerous to their health; stopping a bit on the side where there was ample space could not have exerted them overmuch and it would leave the road to the traffic. But no; even with cars whizzing by they were making a great show of being too importantly engrossed. Poor car-owners, they would have to wait their pleasure or squeeze through the little space remaining.

As the story goes I blew on the horn and kept on coming, totally ignoring the scooterists. When they saw that I was not seeing them and might even brush into them, they ran helter-skelter to save themselves and they were mightily shocked. This happened near my house, so they saw me stopping and came over to argue the point. The conversation ran something like this: Scooterists: You don’t care about others. We could have been hurt. Me: So? If you are worried about yourself, why stand in the middle of the road? Scooterists: Even then, will you run people over? Me: Yes. Scooterists: What? You will knowingly run people down (shock in their voices)? Me: Yes. If you are not worried about saving yourselves why should I try to save you?..... This left them gaping and one of them even had the grace to smile. They made faces and buzzed off. I would not advise anyone to take this stance today. It may not be good for your general well being in the present-day wild dispositions.

If the rudeness is more than you can take, stay at home. Use your mobile to order things and limit your outings to five star locations, where for your money they will be polite and even extra-polite and may even tolerate some reasonable amount of your ire.

Mental Interference

2009-01-15T04:11:00.000-08:00

Mental Interference.

Do we always receive messages by ear and eyes correctly? Once heard or seen do we then act on them impartially and precisely? My perception is that we do not. We tend to over do the thinking part from our side and we tweak the info a little to suit and fit into our perceptions of things. In the execution it then gets terribly garbled or modified.

Once I was making a miniature indoor rock garden. The handyman of the owner of the house was helping me. I asked for a metal tank of a certain size and specifically gave him the measurements of length, width and height. When the tank arrived it was considerably higher than needed. So I, a little peeved, asked the handyman why he made it higher than what I had asked for. His reply was that the price asked was the same for both so he went for the extra height as he got it free. The thought that there might be a technical or any other reason for the height never came to him. That he was making changes in the specs without understanding the final use of the material did not bother him a little tiny bit. And worst of all: with phones at both ends, he could have easily called me up and get the point cleared but then this one would do only if in doubt. This is not only mental interference but I would add mental arrogance too.

It is this thinking for others that is the bane of working together or living together. Why do we have to show off our intelligence in things that are not ours to worry about? But this is awfully a fact of life and nothing, absolutely no reprimand or orders ever changes the stance. In the most insignificant things we tend to meddle. I can rarely have cup of coffee done my way. I like it very warm but not boiling hot, a little strong but only half a cup at a time and no espresso. This should be a simple thing to obtain in this world one would believe. My experience is to the contrary. I get what I want only when I make it myself. On visits, my requests are simply overridden by my hosts and they offer me coffee the way they like it – normally with too much milk and sugar and boiling hot and in the biggest cup they can to please me!

The other day I sent my boy to buy rechargeable batteries along with a charger and a carry case for my new camera. This chap has been with me since 16 years. I normally give him the back ground of the situation so that he can take proper practical decisions on the spot if required. Then over the last 12 years since he has had the mobile phone, I have been drumming into him not to decide on things he does not understand and all he has to do is to give me a call and leave the decision making to me. So, he goes and gets me the case and the charger but not the batteries. This is very annoying because what I have are normal dry cells. I was to go to a gathering where I wanted to take some pictures and the normal dry cell would not have carried me thru. So I asked him why he had not bought the batteries and his candid reply was that he had seen the batteries so he assumed that I must have made a mistake and did not really need them.

Similarly I can relate umpteen instances. Once when designing the electronics for a washing machine I asked a certain metal plate of a certain thickness to be fitted in a very particular way to avoid the vibrations shaking the relay systems. Then I left the factory in charge of the owner engineer to incorporate the changes. In the afternoon I was rudely woken up from my afternoon siesta by a call that my system is not working at all and in fact it has worsened the situation. So I rushed back to the factory because it is now a matter of my pride and the reliability of my technical know-how at stake. There I soon see that the plate is not of the thickness advised and not fitted as I had instructed. The owner engineer of the project had made changes and then was complaining the most loudly; totally oblivious that he was the reason behind the problems. In this particular case the interference was at every step. He just could not resist interfering and he delayed the project so much that another manufacturer then pipped him at the post by bringing out a machine before he could. Otherwise he would have been the first one and there were six marketing brands running after him to take the machine under their brand which would have been a great win.

This trait is universal and in force in every small act or word in our lives. We should make a concerted attempt to reduce this factor to live happier and better lives.

The WHYs

2009-01-13T02:58:00.000-08:00

The WHYs behind the whys.

I read recently that people from lesser privileged backgrounds like the ghettos, jhuggi- jhopdis etc are more prone to violence than others from better & cleaner environments; the operative word being “cleaner, more attractive, well organized and kept and maintained surroundings.

Here is a piece of news that we should all be sitting up and taking note of. There are so many similar related traits that I have pondered on and analyzed. How we carry the environments like a metal plated coat on our shoulders is not always appreciated although to my eyes is plainly obvious. Understanding of this phenomenon would help HR and our own relationships both personal and professional.

Now the question – “why”. Why do they behave this way?

Let’s try and understand these actions more in the spirit of starting a discussion than deep psychological unraveling to prove anything. Let me take up a few:

There is all the open space on the road. But the other guy still does not find enough space and bumps into you.
This is the way they feel comfortable and justify their individuality.
These unfortunate people have known only cramped surroundings that accord them no pride or individuality with little or no space of their own. They have never been alone. Living in cramped and often dirty surroundings with no respite in sight and with an underlying subconscious thought that life has dealt them a miserable hand.

There is a lot of empty space to park the car but the guy still double parks and blocks the road for everybody.
Self importance makes them want to be seen always in a hurry. They take the shortest rout from one point to another, even overtake at curves and from the left or go over the other half of the road; so importantly they have to park right opposite the gate and subconsciously the only way they can attract attention is by being a bit of nuisance.

There is a Q at the milk booth but he still tries to push his hand over others to be served first.
He is supremely comfortable in his own persona. Nobody else exists. He does not see anyone else. I was at the booth and this young lad came and tried to go over everybody, specially a small servant girl. I stopped him and told him flatly that he shall have to wait his turn; his answered saying that he did not see the girl. They live so much in a world where they are the single most important person that they automatically become blind to everyone else. Then cheating is part of life; is it not?

He sees the well kept courtyard and the first thing he does is spit in front of the front door before entering.
The poor guy is really showing off his good manners; that before entering the house he was clearing his throat and all. It is not his fault that he has never known a clean “front” as part of one’s image. The street where he lives is the principal common drain too of the locality. A beautiful front as part of character of the home is too far away from his conception of things. He has only learnt to see his smashing handsome self in the mirror and he is very impressed by his image.

The whole sleeping compartment is asleep in the train and two people wake up in the morning and start talking and guffawing.
In their common life nobody has ever respected their privacy. The concept simply does not exist in their personas. They have known dirt, neglect and are acutely aware that for a few minutes of romp their parents have endowed them a life-time of misery. If they manage to get out of their abject surroundings, they have to let the world know it and it never occurred to them that what they are so loudly announcing to the world is not of interest to anybody or very commonplace too..

He can very well talk inside his house which is big enough and everything but still he prefers to come out on the balcony and regale everybody with his important conversation; loud enough to be heard three houses away.
He has risen in the world. How else shall he show it? In his childhood the family was scrounging with 400 rupees a month. Now he is making 40 thousand or more. It is cause for blowing the trumpet. The problems arise more when in today’s world you are raised and brought in one environment and then cash availability technically raises your level of social center but the habits acquired earlier and the concepts ingrained in early days do not go away and more often than not are not even understood or realized.

Engaged and busy

2009-01-09T18:00:00.001-08:00

Engaged and Busy.

The title may seem as if I am going to talk about being professionally busy or posing as such. No; I have another story this time. These are the two words I hear very often nowadays and I am prompted to talk about some of the incidences that I have experienced. Now let’s see how shall bring up the subject?

I have what can be called by ordinary world’s standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when people are planning retirements and wish for quiet and I went and had a child who is now three and a half years old. So I have a bouncing child on my hands. My job is to be with her all day and play with her and feed and clothe and look after all her every other need. It is a full time, 24hours job. I wonder if people around me can see the effort I have put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes and has completely annihilated my sleeping and any thing other schedule. But I have enjoyed every minute of the last three and a half years. I suppose there have been annoying moments when I lost my cool because my needs were pitted against that of the little imp and there is no discussing the matter with her. But her smile and embrace and joy at seeing me override everything.

So you get the picture? Now let me give you another one or two.
Picture one:
I am out playing with my child in the neighborhood park. It is chilly winter days so many of the citizens are also present, sunning themselves. Here is a friend who sees us and the conversation goes like this:
Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?
ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be obvious but then we tend to clarify so often the obvious)
Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to play. (Again another obvious fact; don’t I know it! I don’t believe in servants raising up children. My philosophy is simple: either you should not go and have a child or go the whole hog and raise the child yourself properly)
ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is trying to make conversation but I have nothing to say really).
Friend: This is good you know. At least it keeps you engaged and occupied (now this bugs me. He has retired. He has no interests, no work to worry about and of course he sees the world though these conditioned lenses in his eyes at my age I would be in the same boat. What he does not see is that I love my child and love being with her. It is the only joy I have known. Going out to play is not a chore but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all know that I have multiple interests and that with my small business and hobbies I am actually hard pressed for time and the energy to carry my objectives through. Yet I have been hearing the same comments very often from many many people over the past three years.)
ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say but to smile and move on)

Picture two:
The other day one of my elder cousin sisters passed by and she is a “somebody”. She has a Doctorate and has been a lecturer etc. She really takes herself rather seriously. We meet rarely. This time we met after four years. The truth is she did not come to see me; she thinks I am a wastrel. She had come to see my mother. But I had to keep the formalities alive so I came out for a moment from my cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the conversation unrolled:

Sister: So how are you and how do you keep yourself busy? (I know the question does not need an answer and even if I did there would a negative analysis following it. So I keep my cool).
ME: Fine. I now have a full time job (I try to keep my tone jocular and hope the conversation would end there. But no; these elderly sisters have always something more to say.)
Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind engaged. (The trigger has been pressed and I am annoyed but then I decide to play cool)
ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?
Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.
ME: Ha ,Ha.

What I wish to know is this need of everybody to explain everything to me. All I have to do is make a statement and the person will start analyzing my motives and reasons let me know so. It could be that they themselves are thinking aloud but it is definitely annoying and conversation stopper to my way of thinking.

Do you have anything to say?

More holidays

2008-12-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

THE CASE FOR MORE HOLIDAYS.

The Indian is not a hard worker. He will never work himself to the bone. The concept of the nose-to-the-grinding-wheel is terribly alien to him. He believes in fate, luck and even though everything boils down to karma, he conveniently overlooks the point of his own effort.

Cleverness is the hallmark; not intelligence. We prepare our kids well for this. The parents do everything for him so the idea that he can take control of his life never even vaguely passes him by. Then at school the teachers want to him to learn by rote and never ask a question which is simply seen as an argumentative disposition. The Govt then stepped in and gave him a protective Big brother embrace with a secure job and no responsibility. To this cauldron add the tendency to cheat on the side which makes us very amenable to reason when requested with a packet under the table.

The Authorities continue to believe in the inscrutability of the Indian’s honesty; especially when he becomes an employee of the President of India. In contrast the rest of the population remains a lot of incurable scoundrels, selling the country down the river.

Everyday, a show is put on by millions of Indians of going to their workplaces, and doing their little bit to take the country forward. Tonnes of fuel are used up in vehicles to transport these zealous workers to the workplace and back resulting in pollution, sickness from fatigue, accidents, medical bills, and at the office - inflated telephone bills, electricity bills and so on so forth. And what have we to show for all this? – A totally disgruntled “praja”, with curses from both sides of the table. The Praja, wanting the President’s employee to do his part whereas the employee revolts on this attempt to curtail his constitutional right of freedom from work’s tyranny.

We want a happy country; right? Why not have more holidays? All the excesses mentioned in the last para will take on a positive note. The exchequer will save millions, thousands of liters of fuels will be saved, pollution will be drastically reduced, there will be less sickness and the pressures on the medical services will more than half, there will be electricity in excess and water also. In one go, we will enter a period of plenty. The work will still be done as it is done with considerations under the table being negotiated in the cafes, restaurants and homes. The stress levels will plane out. There will be less strife and the courts will see fewer quarrels to deal with.

The economy will not suffer. The same amount of money will be floating and doing the rounds changing hands in the market place. I see an exponential growth in trading and therefore manufacturing and therefore in the gross national product and therefore in the per capita income and therefore in the collected taxes. I would even go to the limit and suggest that we work only on Mon, Tue, Thu and Fridays. Our present productivity levels are really not any higher anyway. With lesser interference from the administrative idiots, there will be less of impinging on the rights of the common man to lead his simple life. And, of course smiling faces will replace the care-worn ones of today.

.

Fear of rejection

2008-12-29T06:10:00.000-08:00

Fear of rejection

The way I would approach this subject is by analyzing the two words first. Why are we afraid at all? It is the opposite of courage. So you have had the gumption to attempt something; this is very fine; rather you should be proud to have stepped outside the comfort zone. And if you are afraid, then it means that a wish is attached to the action. Is that true?

Life comes in two hues; Black and white and hundreds of shades in between and then there all the colors and millions of combinations and shades of these colors. Did you really expect that life would be one roller coaster ride where all you have to do is wish and your fairy Godmother would make it come true? This is awfully unrealistic and terribly childish.

Let us examine this subject from a realistic point of view with some not so hypothetical instances to illustrate the point. A highly learned teacher with a lot of experience goes to a school for a job for which he is more than qualified. But the job goes to a younger lady. The poor man can take this as a rejection and also as a confirmation of the moving ahead of the wheel of life. In the game of life and the truth behind this incident, there is the fact that the school is a business. The administration wants younger people to work hard and daylong. Then as children are involved, there is this notion that ladies are kinder and softer in their approaches; which may or not be true but it is real fact that we have to live with. Then as the teacher need is for classes well below the qualifications offered by the learned teacher, he is not really required. So the great expert is not given the job. Does this qualify as rejection? No, not at all. It is just the quirks of life at play. There are more than a couple of factors at play in life. The more qualified teacher should not take this personally and not bring his vanity into play. Rather, he should take this as an eye-opener and look for greener pastures and I would add improve himself for a greater destiny.

Lately a little downturn in the economy has prompted many companies to downsize with many people suddenly finding them selves back to square one. They can’t take this personally. It is definitely depressing and the future with all the commitments at stake is in jeopardy; at least as was visualized. But then life does not move in a straight line. The fear if any is surely from the fact that certain financial commitments had been put into place and now the lack of an income would destabilize the entire thing. In all simplicity I presume to ask, did you plan for not having a job? Let us say you bought a car on loan which you had planned to pay for as you went along and now this retrenchment falls like a block of bricks on your head. The fear is that either you will have to return the car and lose all the money already paid for or pay for it from your reserves if any. The running of the car is also an expensive proposition. Also here is the image problem. What will everyone think? Now let us speak in realistic terms: Your plans for your life were unrealistic. You were spending money which you had not. You were aiming for things that were not yours as yet by right. And the fear of being ridiculed is purely vanity at work.

There is additionally a positive side to fear. If we are not comfortable with things as they are, we strive to change. We make efforts to upgrade our abilities and think creatively and explore many other possibilities which we would have not done otherwise. This results in an educative process which benefits us greatly and will stand by us more than anything else in the world in times of crisis.

In relationships “Fear” takes a slightly different coloring although the shapes being colored are the same. Our vanity asks us to modulate our behavior and we then present ourselves to the liking of others and their appreciation. In our zeal to impress we present a very false persona. We are being untrue; to ourselves and to the other. Sooner or later, the other person will see thru the machinations. And if the other is a wizened, experienced person, he will see it immediately. This is manipulation which can never have a good ending; we bluff, huff and puff and blow our own house down. If we get hurt in the process, we alone are totally to blame. In relationships, if we were truer, honest and candid, we would not pose nor compromise our feelings at every step. We would have the courage to say NO when we want to and only YES when we really mean it. We would also pay attention and listen to the other, especially when the other is trying to say NO.

In the final analysis there is nothing to fear but to strive is. You are you and you should take yourself positively but with a pinch of salt. The anxieties and pain come from the ‘wants” we impose on ourselves with finicky attitudes so all we need to do is de-complicate our lives.

Taking notes

2008-12-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Taking Notes.

Some reflections have been heavy on my mind lately. With the information-overload and the speed now available to us, this question has taken a serious importance. Some time ago I was reading some Zen writings and one thing that was made clear is the nature of the human mind as a collector. We love to collect things, data, memories and brick-bats. A student asked me why we should not read all that comes to hand and this is what I responded with: The human mind at its present level of development is a collector. It collects data for data's sake. It also feels very knowledgeable and can spout quotes and passages on every subject and considers itself wise. To himself he is awesome and often wonders why others cannot see it this way. Often the ego over inflates and all further seeking stops. The mind takes the mantle of teacher and guide and wherever possible will “control” all around it. But then all this focus on statistical info, data of all sorts, end in attempt to codify and arrange it all in a reasonable pattern; and this blocks it. So read as much as you can but do not end up focusing more on your collection of books than learning from them.

Then this morning I read this quote by Chuck Palahniuk which took my breath away as it confirmed my own reading of making the most of this life given to us: “ The best way to waste your life……is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate.”

I remember something like The Mother of Pondicherry saying that one should act first and think later. In strict opposition the world advises to think before leaping and serious reflection etc. So here was a contradiction in terms. Why are people spending so much time in planning then? Later it became clear. In plans and projects on the worldly plane planning is necessary for correct implementation. The decision taking part is where this reflection comes in; if we reflect too much, then we may never do it. The same applies in personal lives. If we think, plan and debate too long we may end up not doing anything at all. At the spiritual level where I suppose the advice of The Mother is really valid, we then avoid the experience which will bring us wisdom and enlightenment.

There is an age in our lives when we do want to learn and better ourselves. We read, collect quotes and books which go into the drawer/folders and on shelves and never see the light again. We then get busy with our lives, families and other things. Then age begins to catch up. Our collections grow waiting for the right time and free time to catch up with all this. Rarely if at all the time ever comes. The truth then hits us; either we do it now or forget it – the moment is lost forever. What is not put into practice is dead info.

Coming back to the material plane and our day to day existence, tons of goods are lying in stores in homes and offices. Deemed useful and needed at a particular time but later left to rot in a dusty corner; all but forgotten; and what about the people? Most of them are happy with their own selves. Just go behind the words and see things from a higher perspective and you will see that most of them are putting up a worked-up facade to be seen as knowledgeable and virtuous. I firmly believe that when there is not a "live" question, the answers have no meaning. If you see and compare the result of the work of the amount of pragmatic thoughts, guidance and philosophy that is available and being made available thru media of all kinds, one does tend to wonder for a second if it is changing their thinking and acting patterns? Are they applying any of it in their actions and lives? I do not believe they do. Wake-up calls are taken only when a crisis develops.
Thanks & Regards
PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Resolved

2008-12-16T03:38:00.000-08:00

Resolved, Signed and Sealed.

Let us see; are we going to take the coming of the New Year as an excuse for revelry or while we have drunk ourselves to the ground we might even take on the onerous task of some introspection which should result in some resolutions to be made. I fear that the resolve to stick to resolutions lasts only up to the second drink. But this is not going to stop every individual who takes the coming of the New Year seriously to make definite resolves, sign it and seal it as a document of great import and intent.

It is another thing that the document maybe trashed in the very first week of the year. Then why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically insincere?

Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it. Look at it with a little compassion and understanding. This is the only time of the year that I get the opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-control. This is the time for fun and one takes what one can. And if to impress her I have to announce some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming to check on me anyway?

Talking about insincerity, I must really take offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a responsible person. I take my job, family and other responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with all the stress all these people create around me. My bosses are screaming for things to be done yesterday and the whole office is under the impression that I am slacker. When I reach home the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I understand that taking care of all the household chores and the three kids can fray the nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in the moolah and go thru the squeezer without complaining so why is she nagging? The whole problem in this life is the lack of understanding I have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh How I wish there was a way around all this? I did spend three nights at the hospital with our son did I not? Does that not count for anything?

Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So after weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke or even a chota peg, am I out of line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss won’t understand the problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ them or choose them but I have to get work out of them. I shout and push but these people are so mule like. God; life is unfair.

Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good farewell party to the year has been organized at the office. After all it is considered auspicious to ring in the New Year on a happy note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey being pushed under my nose, but then this is just once a year and one should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?

Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking, drinking even the occasional type, keep a more reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I will definitely get into the meditation circle in the office and try to see things from a calmer perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop honking and try to overtake me at every bend I could think things over more deeply!! God..this cellphone….am I never to know peace from this infernal instrument.

And then; why focus on my resolutions and change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?

Love and contradiction

2008-12-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

Contradicting Lovingly

When I was young, in college and still sorting out the everyday contradictions in terms of human relationships, one of the features of my life was to understand the attitude of my parents towards me. From one angle it was clear that I was precious to them and from another angle, they seem to take me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was supposed to do them proud by coming up to some standards that were never clearly defined while at the same time I was not supposed to show any initiative and do what I was told. On this point the directions were clear: as if the parents were saying “We are here and know what is best for you. We are doing the thinking for you, all that is needed will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if they had never bargained for the child to grow and assert some of his own personality.

When this time did come, it changed into a period of confrontation. It became a competition between two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in their ways, afraid of change and the other experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me the right honest answers either.

Then one day I went to somebody’s house and there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky looking man shouting at an obviously younger child: “The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal in its character, is floating around then certainly this attitude of my parents which was puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little more close observation of all the parents around me, backed by reading The Reader’s Digest made the answers come tumbling into my life.

Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to see how much this tendency to negate and contradict permeates life in general. As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is growing into an adult and the parents are not grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t want him to act at all, as if this way they can protect him from all adversity. The child on the other hand begins first by seething inside and then hiding his true self and living a double life; so to say. The parents get more and more strongly into the denying and the child starts even more vehemently saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid that his life will be taken over and therefore learns to say No to everything. His relationships are all difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional, amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character then gets passed on from generation to generation.

Look around closely. How often do you see people agreeing and accepting each other and in comparison how often we are crossing each other out?

I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on seeing my attempts was that I being a child should try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset him and finally got what I wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many years later, I painted a canvas which before even it was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room. This was appreciation of a high order.

Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good luck to grow into an adult far away from the restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an international exposure and had teachers who were always listening and ready to help me find the answers to MY questions; without the bias of social norms restricting our exchanges.

Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted so much to converse and share my life with him. But he would not accept me as anything but his child who should in all good sense let him run his life. He never outgrew my childhood and this contradiction always showed in his behavior.

Thanks & Regards PK
http://sites.google.com/site/thefourmothers/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Taciturnity

2008-11-19T22:04:00.001-08:00

The Case for Taciturnity

Now that my baby is over one year old, I receive instructions from all including my doctor to focus on teaching my child to articulate words and communicate in a spoken language that we understand. I am asked to repeat certain words and commands so that the child learns faster and we may be able to communicate more easily with the child. Every time we meet a friend or relative, the first question that is posed is “Has she started to speak? Which words can she speak now? Does she say mama, papa? Then their focus switches on to the baby and they start asking her “Where is your nose? Show me your nose?”

What in the name of heaven is the hurry? I have never really understood the need to bring speech so hurriedly and in such quantity and intensity in our lives. The stress on speech and talking is rather exaggerated considering the exchanges I see happening around me. I say that the time has come to consider this factor and stress a little on taciturnity. Let’s bring a little silence in our lives.

As far as the child is concerned, she is already picking up so much from her surroundings that we are amazed at her ability to sponge in. She is communicating perfectly and we understand her. We are acting as gardeners. We are not trying to push the plant into over-growing itself by speeding the process.

I am prompted to pen these lines from two glaring inconveniences that have become part of lives. One is the honking. More often than not there is no reason to honk that I can see of. The red light becomes green and the guy behind me honks; as if I am there for a group meditation session. The taxi that the neighbor has called arrives and the entire neighborhood is regaled with a strident shock of horn blasting. A car is passing though and the thought that the driver’s path may be blocked by seeing another vehicle far away makes them honk; it seems as if any shadow is trigger enough to merit a blast from the driver.

What we need to realize is that this is one method of speech. We are using the horn as an extension of our communicating ability; notwithstanding the fact that we are fully aware of the inconvenience, irritation and noise that we are creating around us because we are in our own turn also at the receiving end from others. But like a baby’s bawls, we insist on being heard and having our way.

The second is the mobile phone. I am just amazed at the continuous talking I see around us. How much can we have to say? Don’t these people get tired of talking? After all, where is all this energy that goes into speech coming from? It has been conclusively proven that talking on the mobile is dangerous when driving but are we able to desist? We go into theatres to enjoy a play, a movie or a music program but keep the mobile phone on. Being connected has become an addiction. Our callousness is so great that we will not stop from disturbing everybody else around us. I suppose we feel that our importance is greater that the other guy’s. Our call needs to be attended to without fail because our importance is simply immeasurable!

When we talk incessantly, don’t we become a bore? Voltaire said: “The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” This reminds me of a poem that we had in our school and which affected me deeply. It went something like this: “I told her all, I told my all, love that told cannot be………… and then came a stranger, and took her with a sigh.”

Well I refuse to fall in line. I will not blow my horn if I can help it. I will not speed up if it seems dangerous to me. And I will not give you my mobile phone number because I use it only when I am out of the house to stay connected with my mum. And anyway when I am out of my workplace, I am either driving or busy in something else so I would not be interested in talking and be distracted and disturbed. I also follow the rule that visitors will have to shut off the phone at my place as I am not interested in seeing them doing their business while I sit there like a fool watching them; on call to them when they are free to do so!

Mating ilemma

2008-11-18T02:49:00.000-08:00

THE MATING DILEMMA

There is so much talk of marital discord nowadays. Every journal or TV program is discussing it. My view is that I do not see any special discord that we do not have in our every day lives that necessitates a special name. It is the same old clash of two desire entities that we encounter everyday, everywhere and with everyone, each wanting its own way to the exclusion of consideration for the other. Selfishness and self-centeredness are part of the gifts endowed us by nature and it is my point of view that men and women are not really designed to live together.

Marriage is team-work and this is an acquired trait which has to be learnt and practiced with serious intent. Of course, we complement each other but most of us would be equally happy living alone, content in our own selfish balloons. Modern life has made that dream a real possibility and all are aware of it but there is a big BUT.

Our genes and hormones have a potent force of their own. Destiny which is still running our lives, we may accept it or not, keeps us throwing into contact with attractive people of the opposite sex which gets the desire centers humming. But marriage cannot be an excuse for a romp in bed; anyway as if it matters, even legally or anyone cares. So why the farce?

The Ying and Yang principle is at work in nature. Opposites coexist and attract each other. Observe closely and you will see that by some quirk of fate, every couple is a pairing of two people with opposite tendencies. The Law of Creation takes us to our next level of evolution by the effort we put in to live with each other. We are each other’s teachers.
Clashes will be but we have to learn to see both the ends of the argument and learn to go beyond the obvious and mundane, for there are always some common points of appui as well. The Creator has used the sexual energy well. There is a lure here which serves a dynamic purpose. It keeps repopulating the Mother earth and also helps in realizing the merger of the opposite sides of the same coin in the form of two individuals. It should be best seen as a spiritual discipline.

At the other end of the spectrum is the fact that we cannot all make our bread, tailor our clothes, make our shoes, construct our house and make our cars; so we need other people in our lives. In extension we therefore need a society and if we wish to live within this society, the word teaming-up again appears and we have to accept certain confinements. Therefore it is plain to all to see that life is a huge compromise after all. It’s so galling!

The BUT I was talking about makes its splash here. We are on our best behavior most of the time; continuously adjusting to the pressures of people and circumstances. BUT the moment we cross the threshold of our homes, we find it difficult to make the same compromises in our marriages willingly with a singing heart. Why? It is very well and facile to live when we make short contacts and all go home at the end of the day to our own watering holes, alone in our comfort zones; with the option to keep or break a relationship if we wish to. In marriage we have to be with the same person day in and day out for ever and ever with no respite. Readjustments are in order.

It seems as if the partners are forever saying “Be reasonable. Do it my way”. This when coupled with a tendency to overbear is a formula for disaster. At the back of the mind there is always the dormant thought that we can always part which is no help at all. I belong to the old school. No divorce for me; so a mutually acceptable path has to be found and if there are children from the marriage, no possibility of exit at all. Something was started and it has to be finished. We made our bed and now we need to lie in it. Do we have a right to hurt the person we brought home or run away from the responsibility of raising our children? I wish lawmakers would go back to the old ways and put it into act soon. The effort that has now gone out of relationships would reappear and so much frustration and pain needlessly imposed by humans on themselves could be avoided.

There are even impossible demands when the partners are taken for granted. We need to wake up from this dream. The solution would have been in the compromise attitude but to this we are not prepared to concede. Very good reasons are cited and all very tangible and real. Everything is taken into consideration except the fact that the first point of law is that the marriage has to be maintained at all costs as a garden of joy. It is our marriage and our life. Everything else pales into insignificance. So discord is inevitable unless we are prepared to let go a bit and cross over into the other’s camp and live for the other person. This is said for both men and women and has to be a concerted effort. Personally I find this idea so wonderful. My life is no more a closed box. I let somebody in and a close partnership begins with of course an absolute interdependence. I am not afraid any more of the big bad wolf. This is the beginning of happiness. I do lose a bit of the “I” but win the world. Putting up one’s feet is such a pleasure. We did marry for the small comforts of married life, did we not?

We live much harried lives. What we think, feel and speak about are never the same things. We are hiding so much. There is an accepted perverse insincerity practiced at all moments and at every level of our existence. In the outer world where every man is for himself and wolf eat wolf is the situation, there is much to be said for a bit of charade and hiding away. But, in a marriage? Marriage has to be seen in the light of the common man’s yogic/spiritual journey. It is, whatever you may argue, an evolutionary process in which both the parties including children grow into more matured beings. When you see it in this light, you have to allow the barriers to fall and sincerity has to pervade in the home. Thoughts, feelings and the spoken word will need to be in harmony at all times otherwise chaos and clashes will erupt. Lording over is absolutely out. Cleverness is a no-no. At least aim to reach this level. There will be stumblings, yet wherever this spirit of candid bumbling exists, there will be laughter and rarely any quarrels. The human spirit is a forgiving one, whenever, genuinely, honesty is seeping through, joy prevails.

The other factor which I have seen taking a heavy toll of the quiet life in marriages is the poor quality of communication. Poor language use, bad speech habits and worse, inadvertent habits like speaking from distances or changing the place of things and forgetting to tell. We are also plagued by the sense of right and wrong and get irritated in righteous indignation. This indignation turns easily into a scream like a cracker going off without restraint. Always forgetting that how we deal with the everyday world and how we need to deal in our marriage world are two different things. In marriage it is the team not the individual who matters. We forget it to our pain. Lets never forget if the other party is grating on our nerves, then we are no angels. Have we ever tried to find out how we are grating on other people’s nerves?

We are constantly giving out wrong signals. Utter confusion prevails at the best of times. So first we need to begin by listening a bit more and not reacting to every word that one hears. Not only to words bit those intangible sighs as well and those inconsistencies in behavior patterns. Consider that the other person may be thinking aloud or just uttering the wrong words because of other extraneous circumstances and so many other fears and complexes that run amok in our lives.

Just think it over for a while. Forgive and forget if you have been mildly wronged. Show your appreciation often and learn to remain silent in as many languages you can. Along with this attitude, ask for favors and when the other person asks for it, give them. We do make the mistake of asking favors and wanting instant gratification but when the other person asks for something, we are always busy in our own world and cannot grant any. This will not do. Gratitude needs to be cultivated and practiced a bit more. It is rarer than you would think. Especially in small inconsequent things, which are really the ones which swell into tidal waves.

All that is needed is a little shift in our own orientation to our life and partner. Give and give and take some. Rather you will notice you will get without asking and much more than you could have asked for.

When to scold

2008-10-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

On this Q: Today I scolded the watchman of my building very badly he was not switching on the water pump..Later when I saw his eyes they were full of tears .Have always tried talking politely with him but he has always taken me for granted today i scolded so finally he switched it on..What is the ideal way? I am not able to judge whatever which I did today was the right attitude or not .

My response:

The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is first true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took all of you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was being given a lot of margin of error in his actions and that you were all being nice to him. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.

This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She will never let show her true feelings. She will keep silent and let others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approx after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her since ages that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.

Some fault for this situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are taught that good manners are better than being true and clear. So of course, there is a gap between what we want to and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.

We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see. Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, precisely the action and attitude to take at any given moment.

Then there are a lot of judgmental people and for them I had written an article sometime ago of which I repeat some passages:

Have you noticed how some people can speak their part only in outbursts of some kind? They would be otherwise nice, sane people going about their lives in a circular routine that they have built around themselves. Yet, under their calm exterior there is always some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing quietly which, keeps them perpetually irritated about something or the other.

I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.

So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.

To Flower or remain in the bud.

2008-10-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

COMFORT ZONE.

There is much talk of progress and success nowadays. Motivational programs are everywhere. In what meaning of the word are we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in career and money making prospects. This then presupposes that everyone would always be striving to improve one’s earning capabilities and keep on rising in one’s working domain to reach higher and higher positions in the given hierarchy. This may be the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for now.

How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin. One: One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.

My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that its their own shortcomings that is keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.

Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency. This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?

Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.

Lets look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understands them? How many are complaining that there are no avenues to progress in their lives yet failing to take any initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How many of us are constantly criticizing the other guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily wasting time to make the world hear our version over and over again?

This is not only the soft option but also the option of cowards who prefer to scurry back into their zone of comfort at the first hint of troublesome effort like frightened mice into their mouse holes.

Turning Point

2008-09-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

Turning Point
ON BEING ASKED: There comes a moment in life when everything changes for you. You start seeing the world with fresh eyes. It is as if you have jumped out of yourself and acquired a whole new persona. It is like the caterpillar growing wings and turning into the butterfly.

Have you experienced such a turning point in your life?
MY REPLY:
Well, to be honest nothing of the kind ever happened to me although I have heard it happening. My life began in an Ashram ( Sri Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry). But yes one little thing stands out. I was given a book by The Mother of the ashram when I was sixteen. At that age I read it but the words and the word pictures were not conveying much. The words were understood but not their implication. Specially one sentence stood out......... " Then you will see that the world is standing upside down." Of course I could see that every one as on their legs quite upright then what was She saying. The sentence was at the back of my mind and has been. Gradually as life unfolded, I could see that people were lying left, right and centre; very often for no reason. I wondered if this is what Mother meant. Then I realised that people are maintaining a facade. They wish to be seen as honest, hardworking, sincere, capable etc. While in their heart they were looking for shortcuts, were totally insincere and insecure about themselves as they knew well that the qualities they were expecting others to see in them were not there. They knew well that they were living a charade but simply did not have the guts to live otherwise. What an upside down way to live?!
My own experience of life is that we are most of the time playing chess within our lives for no reason. For example when I was 10 or so, some boys wanted to steal mangoes. In the very first try we got caught. I decided then and there that there is no value in this cat and mouse game. Next time I wanted a mango, I just went and asked the owner and he gave me one! Similarly, I see people fibbing on the telephone. The cell phone has made this even more imperative. First I see that everyone wants to be connected but when they do get a call, specially from somebody they do not want to talk to, they play games such as saying they in the traffic, or make funny noises and shut the phone off or just keep on saying hullo many times as if they are not getting any signal from the other party. Why i ask myself are people complicating their lives so much?

I can give other examples but I am sure you would have got the gist.

I laugh when I see people hungry and lusting after the opposite sex, running after them in frenzy with all their guile and means at their disposal; then considering themselves lucky to have gotten their prize in marriage only to realise later that it was no Happy Ever After deal at all. But they go through the motions of being happily married and reiterate their love as and when required and dedicate their lives to their children who are tiring them out, totally unhappy with their lot. For argument's sake let me admit there are exceptions & luckily this may not be wholly true with all but there is an element of truth in it in a big way as the soul which gives life to our existence is never happy with all this waste of emotional energy and time in keeping up appearances.
The same can be seen in the jobs they hold; proud to be what they are or at least they make a show of it with full awareness that they are a nobody, a cog in a big wheel, totally replaceable. Look at the possessions they have; they collect and collect goods around them and soon tire of them or want something better but in company or even to themselves would be loathe to admit that they are not entirely happy with their lot. The hollowness of our lives shows very clearly in our collection of acquaintances and the friends we make. Life's needs and social necessities force us to behave totally contrary to our nature. The show of camaraderie is faked and tiresome but we go along because we dare not otherwise.
If this is not living upside down, then what is?

Corporate lawyers and what they do

2008-09-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

CORPORATE LAWYERS AND WHAT THEY DO

The other day I had the refreshing opportunity to meet a young man aspiring to be a corporate lawyer. As a career how true does it hold for the Indian condition?

Till recently, from what I can see, the Indian corporations had not been allowed to go international and therefore remained small or fairly large entities with a controlling structure firmly in the hands of a patriarch or a small bunch of a family. The whims and fancies of the chief resulted in the decisions that the corporation then followed. The mind set was feudal and the management even more so. Nothing was straightforward. What the corporation purported to be doing and what it actually did to make a killing were two entirely different things. The Chartered accountant who knew what was going on would paint the correct picture for public consumption. The balance sheet would show red or black as the chief decided the need of the moment demanded and that was that. A public company was even more rampantly badly managed as the share holders were the final losers.

All companies were playing on the governments controls. The interest rates were high and monopolies were more the rule than the exception. The profit margins were high and clean business unheard of. In this scenario I would have failed to see a corporate lawyer making any headway. The companies would invest half their money in manufacturing or trading as shown on paper. The other half would be invested in other companies doing well for some reason or the other or in land. Fixed deposits would fetch up to 18% per annum. A profit that is difficult to achieve even by well managed companies today. Supplier’s payments would be delayed as long as possible so that interest could be earned on the amount and that would help the company keep financially afloat. All rules and laws were observed in the breaking more or less; the fear of the law taking speedily its course hardly being a deterrent.

The legal system of India with its tortoise speed actually encourages breaking of economic laws. Businesses actually want to go to court. Keeping arguments sub judice is in their interest. This way they can continue holding on to funds that does not belong to them or supply substandard products and services at favorable margins. When the time comes of a settlement it is done out of court. By then, in the interweaving years which may be anything from 10 to 20 years, the company has doubled or tripled its capital base by earning interest on the blocked capital. It even tempts the corporations to edge over to take criminal risks.

The activities are rarely illegal per se but highly unethical nevertheless. The corporate lawyer as I can see in the present context can only be a paid executive of the company doing nearly the same as any lawyer working independently. The only difference being that he becomes a specialist for that corporation’s activities. Still the question remains if he will ever get a chance to become an advisor and policy maker because that is where the actual fun is. Often the owners of the company play on the vanities of younger people to win their trust and promote them to director levels; they become unknowingly fronts for the owner and worse, get caught in the criminal net!

The opening of the economy has brought a different culture. A culture of a corporation working by certain principles laid down by the board is not exactly new to India but now is becoming quite accepted. All the international MNCs that have opened shop are bringing a whiff of some unknown managing customs. Good for us! In this change of managing methods, there is of course a place for the corporate lawyer. But gain I ask a question. In India where the legal system remains out of tune to the exigencies of the time, how much can a corporate lawyer really do? And if he will not be allowed to do much, is there a career in it? A corporate lawyer is at best a management expert with knowledge of the law for the time being and for some time it will remain so.

The answer is elsewhere. It is in the Law firms which are fast becoming a force worth emulation and aping. They act as consultants to corporations and also take their cases to court. The corporation’s prefer to pay them a consultancy and get expert advice and support rather then depend on untried employees with no chance to broaden their scope of experience in a small enclosed environment. The corporate lawyer is really coming into his own in these law firms.

While we are on the subject, why not think International? With international trade growing and corporations from other countries active here and vice versa, here is fodder for the next generation as long as they are not influenced mainly by the vision of a high profile life as seen in the movies and TV serials coming to us from the western countries where the jet-set corporate lawyer is a power to reckon with. He not only knows the law but also assists the corporations to walk the fine fence of “just legal”. He carries a lot of prestige and even political clout as he holds a place nobody else can boast of in the hierarchy of the corporation. He is the only one who understands and often the only one privy to the complete picture. Of course the position then gives him huge corporate benefits such as limos and secretaries with his own jet and what not.

If only life could be restricted to such glamorous visions!

Too Much is being said

2008-09-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

Beethoven’s Pastoral.
Have you heard Beethoven’s Pastoral? It is piece of quiet melody with a lot of power. It takes you back to the slower times a few centuries ago when the choices were limited and so were the topics of conversation and the number of people you could talk to. People did not read and write and the conversation was limited to one’s very personal surroundings such as hunting, dogs, local skirmishes and gossips, the weather and stories. Life was slow paced and keeping one’s counsel was more the norm. Silence was known and appreciated. One can still get this experience if one can find a quiet spot in the lap of nature where mechanical advancements of the last 200 years have not made an appearance.
In contrast we are today inundated with the incessant noise and the continuous bandying of words. Everybody has so much to say. Everybody knows so much and understands so little; this is the crux. We are surrounded by second-hand information and wisdom and we are actively perpetuating it as our own. The Media is serving us wisdom on a platter and there is always something to talk about. We quote great Gurus and sound erudite. It is all so superficial. It is the germ which goes into making of intellectual snobs. These are intelligent people, good with words and supremely nubile in connecting individual words to other related words in a continuous stream of sentences which is unending. It is also a word-wall which hides the real person. It is also a dead give-away to lack of depth; we see this in others and yet do not believe for a moment that we ourselves could be afflicted.
I have noticed two trends. One how everyone talks assuming that the other is a total ignoramus, two how speedily faults are found in the statements of others; as if superciliousness is in fashion.
We are so busy pouncing on words, we fail to give ourselves time to go behind the meaning of the whole sentence or paragraph.Of course, taken in isolation, any meaning can be attributed to any statement. The mind is playing with the words and not using them for what they are: vehicles to pass on the images from one mind to another. The result is a lot of conversation yet little is said. I have a firm belief, things should be said when there is a live "QUESTION" necessating or/and demanding an answer!Otherwise there is a lot of noise made, many words written which are not paid attention to and soon forgotten. I think we humans need to learn to conserve our energies in this domain.Of course there is this need to expand the mind and this can be done only by extensive reading and listening to others. To begin all this info and knowledge is certainly necessary.The importance cannot be estimated in words and figures. All begins here. But some people take this collecting of info as the wisdom itself and lose their way.So we need to be on our guard otherwise we shall be counting the trees and miss the forest.
Another aspect of our lives is the extent of exposure an individual gets. What kind of lives do people live on the average? A very small world indeed! It is my experience that very few people are able to actually connect with most of the words and ideas represented. For most it will be a lot of beautiful sounding theories with little or no connectivity with their personal thoughts and experiences. At best it can be an intellectual exercise; what can be called “poetic gymnastics”.Your experiences when put into words cannot wholly transfer the whole images and pictures that are stamped in your memory; therefore even though you may be using commonly understood words, the end result is not always evident. You may even see the eyes going blank.
Which brings me to another pet peeve; too much is being told! There is a limit to how much can be safely told and said. Wisdom and knowledge is gathered in stages. Every piece of info is now available in books and on the internet. I suppose everyone wants to be heard and feels that he has much to say. But there is wisdom also in considering if, the recipient is ready; this is a kind of knowledge which I feel should not be given out to all and sundry. They would not know its value. Rather if misunderstood and the chances are very high, they might even harm themselves.
My belief is firm in the harm the unbridled use of the spoken and written word is causing. Take for instance Depression. Every morning morbid pieces of heart churning news is published in the dailies and often repeated on the TV with lurid pictures. In general it has a depressive effect. It also creates unknown fears; then why do we continue with it? And worse, we make it available 24 hrs, day in and day out. How will the knowledge that a plane went down in Russia, Britney is having baby or that a politician’s son has taken an overdose of cocaine help me understand the world and myself better and improve my life and sort?
Recently I had a conversation with someone who was sad and thinking of suicide. She was maintaining her level of sadness by harboring and focusing on her morbid thoughts. Instead of trying to engage the mind elsewhere she was feeding her mind by delving on the subject in everyway she could. One of this was by listening to songs that would revive the sad moments. This is what I had to say to her: Because you are sensitive to "words", not to listen to anything with words in it. Specially love songs and such, as these would tend to revive dormant memories and sadness/nostalgia. Don’t listen even to instrumental versions of the songs that bring words to your mind.Stick to pure music and you will see this will bring a change.Words are there to help us see and go beyond our own limitations but every time we go out to disseminate info, I think we should also consider this question “Is it useful, Is there a need for it here, because the problem is in showing to others what they are not trained or ready to see?

Tommorow

2008-08-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

TOMORROW NEVER COMES

There was a song in the movie Yellow Rolls Royce, which affected me deeply. It says, “Let’s forget about domani, for domani never comes.” It should be made the theme song for procrastinators. Specially for people who leave everything for the last moment if not later. Our life-style and work culture till now has been of the laid-back style and we have quite got into the habit of taking things easy, knowing fully well that we will be able to find some way of passing the buck.

Putting things off for later is an ostrich complex kind of behavior, which is really a sign of immaturity.
It also shows lack of dedication or over-confidence in one’s ability to manage one’s time or worse it is a show put on for the undeserving to give an aura of time unavailability due to prior engagements. This attitude career-wise is self-inflicted damage.

Do you really believe if you delay the execution of the matter, it will go away? Well, for argument’s sake, I will accept that certain situations do correct themselves if not interfered with but paper-deadlines don’t fall in this category. Do you really believe you can squeeze in more minutes in the day than the next person? If you can, of course you really know how to manage your time and are very aware of the time to be allotted to each activity and you really also know how to execute every job precisely and with focus. To you I would say this note is not for you. To the snobs who think that they can impress others by a show of being busy, I have only a word of caution; you are fooling nobody and eventually even those who are impressed at first, will know that you are bluffing and all your credits will go down the drain.

The following resources will help you make the most of your time and bring you success in the work place:
A) Assertiveness: This means getting your thoughts across accurately and properly. The actions are always preceded by forethought and research. But all this is to be packaged without aggressiveness.
B) Communication: The ability to communicate well is of the utmost importance. This means not knowing only what to say, but also knowing how to and when to say it. Very few people take the trouble of improving their language and delivery skills. You ignore this fact to your peril.
C) Time watching: Time allocation takes on a totally new meaning when you wish to stop the habit of procrastination. You have to steel yourself against letting yourself waste time or not keep appointments. When you make a list of the “TO DOs”, you have to work hard at finishing them. Personal feelings and emotional slidings have to be curtailed at all costs.

If procrastination has become a habit, it has to be seen in this light and treated as a bad habit. Are you game?

If you dont mind

2008-08-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

IF YOU DON’T MIND….

Communication is the link between two people yet we go to inordinate lengths to make it complex and difficult. I have never understood the logic behind this ice-breaker that I hear often: “If you promise not to mind then I have something to say”, which of course implies that whatever is to be said is unpleasant. This opening gambit has always pleasantly surprised me. Why would anyone insist on saying something knowing that it would not be pleasant? Of course the gambit also permits the speaker to remain on the good side of the listener and criticize him to his heart’s content. The use psychology in this is beautiful. Very rarely does a recipient ever say: “if there are chances that I may not like what is to be said then I do not want to hear it”; rather his curiosity aroused, he insists that he be told and that he is man enough to take any criticism. It is another matter that very few can really maintain their equanimity once they hear the permitted critical evaluation.

The number of people who actively invite criticism, avowing that they wish to improve themselves is also quite many. But it is generally a show of openness that is totally faked. If anyone has ever the kindness to point out their fault, they normally have arguments ready to counter it and their annoyance is complete. On the other hand intelligent people behave as if they have no idea of human nature. We employ servants and then expect them to be as knowledgeable and intelligent or passionately involved in our home or work as we are. Had the servant been a person of this caliber, would he be your servant?

I have been against the negative management styles that I see around me. Especially the way we take the opposite side of any argument or statement to show that we are better than the others. Our management style is by scolding for mistakes made. We have some established notions of what is correct and what merits chastisement and we follow-up on it with gusto. If we go back in time a little, there was a time that most senior managers came from a similar social status and educational backgrounds and there were not many faults to find in each other. But today this has become the very opposite. People from vastly different economic, cultural and financial backgrounds come together and there is always bound to be something amongst our brethrens that may rub us the wrong way. The mature guy takes it in his stride but most tend to compare the other with their own selves and get irritated. The result is – “scoldings and flare-ups” all around us. The manager takes the route of righteousness and encloses himself in indignation and the employee gets dejected because he simply never is made to understand the “why” of it. Is it so difficult to understand that we can discuss things and that there is no real need to chastise because we are in a position to do so? I have seen many people who can say their point of view only in anger. They will normally keep quiet and let things slide and then one day they burst in anger and all the dammed up complaints come out in one go in a vehement show of anger. It is so immature, this behavior. An unpleasant action should be brought to notice and be discussed right there and then and as far as possible without anger; this eliminates misunderstandings and stops the incident from being repeated in its track. Of course, if the other side continues to insist on his behavior then a stronger dose of show of displeasure is called for.

We even take this style in the upbringing of our children.

When we pre-empt others in speech or action and try to control them in many other million ways, we are only exercising the primary human tendency to regulate & control everything around us. We have a very high opinion of ourselves most of the time. It is only when disaster strikes that for a while we see our faults and reflect. But for the rest of our lives we are quite certain about our wisdom and abilities and we even prove it and justify ourselves by quoting earlier “Greats & Gurus” as if we were on par with them while we have nothing to say from our own fount of experience and learning, except perhaps a few biting words and make the world aware of our own merits in comparison to the demerits of the rest of the world!

The solution to these situations is to develop a little charity in our thinking. Kindness and creativity is needed. We need to help the other learn if he is willing. Berating will only create stiff opposition and bad blood. We need friends around us; in it lies our own happiness.

Stepping Back

2008-08-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

Defocusing & Stepping Back
to see things better

The age old advice to sleep over matters to gain a better perspective is a very important one. The mind needs time to mull over things and stepping back and giving it time to reflect is an important step in better management of life and self.

The human mind and thinking process is easily contaminated by personal vanity and desires emanating thru it. Often we make issues inordinately personal and then we focus so hard on a single factor in life to the exclusion of all else, that we shut ourselves out from the actual world and live in a castle in our mind refusing to come out or even acknowledge that anything like a world out there exists.

We become obsessed with our doings and our pride makes us think that if we did not act, nothing would happen; we see ourselves as the initiator.
This state of affairs can only bring pain and disappointment. The mind by itself is rarely able to break away from its own centralised focus and wallows in its singular quicksand, getting deeper and deeper into its own vortex. Unfortunately, the cosmos continues to go on in its merry way and this leaves us sad, lost and depressed.
It is at this stage or before this stage is reached, that it is necessary to break off the tentacles of these thoughts that we have encastled ourselves in, out of a sense of prestige and from strong desire.

This is done by retraining the mind to defocus and re-enlarge its view. We need to stop the mind from turning on itself and going in circles; perhaps even stop its incessant thinking. Then when the mind is in a state of openness, let new thoughts and ideas at least be given a cursory hearing. Slowly the mind will deflect itself and realign itself with the world at large. New interests will take birth and all will be contentment again.

Karmic Analysis in Self-upgrading

2008-08-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

In a general way most understand the theory of Karma from the point of what was “DONE”. A little introspection and quiet contemplation will reveal two things: 1) that the course of our lives is based more on the things that were NOT DONE; the decisions which were not taken. 2) that at every moment we are given a simple choice of saying “yes” or “no” ; this determines the course of our lives.

If our lives are in a mess or things are not going forward as we had hoped, all we need to do is look back and discover the steps we did not take when we should have and the steps that have brought us to this impasse. The course correction is then obvious and the best way to deal with the moment is by taking the path that we should have but did not take and do it as soon as possible with intensity and sincerity as this effort will go a long way to negate some of the effects of the past doings or not-doings.

The truth is that deep in our hearts we all know where we are going wrong and where we have gone earlier. We are well aware of our lacunas but cover it with coats of appearances as if what the others “see” of us is more important than living our lives to our heart’s content. We put all our energies in keeping up the pretence of being on top of the world and look for magical solutions; if not solutions then at least excuses that will allow us to hold our head high and show to the world how well we are holding on in this unkind world.

Mankind is terribly clever. Statements like – “Everything is preordained”; “If it is in our destinies it will happen”; “It is all in the stars”; “God wished it this way” and many others in the same hue serve us well to sit back and lament our condition rather than do something about it. Our minds can place arguments from old sayings and proverbs and other great minds to prove our point as if arguing and convincing our neighbor is the final answer to our woes.

When the time comes for action we run to soothsayers, astrologers, and practioners of occult tricks and look for smart-quick fixes. Millions of work hours and good money is spent in poojas and practices to change the flow of our miserable lives. Tell me truly, do you really believe that your pooja down here will change the position of Saturn up there? If not then how do you expect a change to occur? The reality is that you have been given a non-negotiable state. No choice here; the parents, the place of birth, brothers, sisters, later the teachers, friends all these are already fixed. Before you know or understand what is going on decisions have been piled up on you and your personality formed by the dictates of others. After the harm has been done, you are expected to go out and make something out of this bad bargain and be successful in this world.

It is obvious that lamenting or trying to wash the sins off in the Ganges won’t help. Asking help of the stars through appeasement won’t help either because they are the ones who put you where you are in the first place. So comes the big question; what can you do?

First of all stop talking of past lives and often taking this as the perfect pretext towards our helplessness and as an excuse to the un-changeability of the course of our fate and lives. This is very convenient thinking and an oversimplification which suits mankind very well as it absolves them from the effort to make the necessary change and correction in their lives.

Sit down and analyze your karmic path up to date. Study your own nature and note the actions and reactions that you are prone to. Work out the steps that you can take with immediate effect to alleviate or bring in the wanted change and go ahead & take the first step. This is psycho-analysis of a kind. You will realize soon enough what is wrong and why. Then the solution will become obvious in a flash and you will be free to start all over again with a new path opening out in front of you. Your effort is an integral part of your destiny. You will realize that you have been given some positive streaks in your nature which are your strengths and also some negative streaks which are your weaknesses. You are required to learn from life’s incidences and overcome the negative turns in your life by using your strong attributes and by suppressing the harmful possibilities that happen from your negative attributes.

The Whole World Does Not Matter

2008-08-01T03:58:00.000-07:00

There is always a small period in our lives when we become “Important”. This is the time when we get into the self-important mode. We are in our eyes not only in control but, often, as we perceive the cause and effects around us, we are certain, even if the world may not wholly agree with us, of being the source of the happenings. In a microcosm, we are not part of the Creation, but see ourselves as part of the creator effect.

This is the time when our vanities are ballooning. We are still young as far as a life-span goes. At the age of youth in the twenties, it is easy to see ourselves as giants with infinite capacities for getting things done. We can take it all on. The body is strong, the mind is full of certitudes and nobody is immune to our charms. Then we decide what has to be done, and soon we get it done. We are almost mystified by our own image, although at the back of our minds a small question mark haunts us; why does not the world see us in our true light? It is galling. Here we are, ready and willing, with all the knowledge and strength to put everything in the right order, if only people would listen!

Then, there are those who are luckier than others. Who are born with a silver spoon, well in this category we can include even those with a brass spoon with silver plating. They come into a world, which is already structured, and whatever they see or touch is theirs. Even when they stretch their five senses to their limits, they can only see themselves at the center of things and of course, in full control. They can manipulate everyone and every instance. They continue to grow into this environment and gradually realize their potential for creation or mischief as their nature leads them.

Soon, they are alienating themselves from everything. But they do not know it yet. Whenever they come across a person or situation they do not like, they simply cut it out. They can well afford to.
To the whole world they come across as self-centered, arrogant, and closed personalities but they could not care. Even the world has to grudgingly acknowledge that they are good and able and if circumstances so need, a bit of groveling up to them is ok.

This, as we all know is a straight path to perdition. The truth is we are only a small cog in a big wheel in a very huge machinery. Try to imagine the immensity of it all. For once, just for an experiment, go out in to the night, alone, and watch the firefly. There may be hundreds, but focus on one. Then think, how many nights have come before and how many will come later. How long does a fly last even in this one night? How long do you have to sparkle?

Come out of your cocoon. Listen to the world around without having to comment or direct anything. Let the world run itself for a moment. There will be withdrawal symptoms but tolerate them just for a while and then you will know peace and really see! The world that did not matter uptil now, will suddenly start to matter!!

Is Your Commitment Total?

2008-07-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

Is Your Commitment Total?

We were discussing Karmic ramifications of our actions. There is so much that is said, can be said and will be said on this subject I suppose; all hearsay at best and no one really in a position to contradict each other. So it is one of the best conversation topics where you can expound as much as you feel like and as every action is particular to itself and special to the next individual, the discussions can go on and on safely with no change resulting in any form except the expounder goes home very proud of himself, of his grasp of life’s essentials and his wisdom with somewhere at the back of his mind this thought that he has impressed his listeners and made a mark!

Then I came across these few words from OSHO(RAJNEESH) of Pune. He says we suffer because we do not live whole-heartedly. All our actions tend to be incomplete and sort of hover around us waiting for their culmination. What I understood from this and concur is that we are busy doing too many things at the same and doing all of them badly; thereby laying ourselves open to negative karmic points with pending files remaining open and following us like baying dogs.

This, if I am not mistaken is called Multi-tasking nowadays. A way of working that I abhor. Nothing is done with focus and proper application. Till the last generation this was not a problem as it has become today. The culprits that have brought on this state of affairs is squarely the mobile phone and the laptop. Earlier we had to be in the right place at the right time to do whatever was needed to be done. Now we can be everywhere at the same time and do whatever we want at any given time. I think this is awful; the idea should be to do less, live luxuriously and here we are pushing ourselves to an early burn-out by doing more. Humans really need to reorient their philosophies.

One positive aspect of this change in our lives is that it imposed on us the need to ask some questions and therefore some research projects on this subject were undertaken. It was well known before that the average human mind can hardly process more than one activity at a time. Now it seems this is clearly proven by case studies. So this business of multi-tasking is all a lot of nonsense. Let us see how long it will take for the human mass to understand it and use this information in their working styles.

Concisely and precisely it means that the mind can focus on one activity alone at a time; it can listen or talk or drive or type or eat or kiss or whatever. The problem comes when we do certain things by habit and allow the mind to wander all over the cosmos. We then leave “undone” karmic footprints that drag us back, vociferously demanding that we finish the job or at least learn to do it differently and well the next time or pay for the consequences.

Would you like some examples? Say a man is eating. The food is of his choice and normally he would have savored it to his entire satisfaction. But he is in a hurry because his mind is on the meeting in his office where he aims to make a definite point and he hopes to get a raise from it. There is also the need to be aware of what goes on in the world so he opens up the TV to watch the news. His wife on the other hand has some complaints and reminders and may even be talking to him which as can be imagined he is saying yes-yes to without listening. By the time he leaves, settling down in his car, his phone to his ears his mind is already properly muddled. He has no idea what he has eaten; he has no memory of having eaten at all. He has not grasped any of the news and totally forgotten about his wife. And in all this he has hasn’t had a quiet moment to fully work out his presentation in the meeting which he then does not do too well. The eating, driving and listening in the above episode being totally mechanically habit driven; Is this multitasking or multishucksing?

As Osho(Rajneesh) explains, the mind not being wholly satiated or satisfied, continues to crave. This may show in excesses like binge eating, passionate affairs, show-off purchases and the like. A veritable vortex is created that can envelope us in its negative impact which then has the effect of creating stress, bad decisions/attitudes and even more stress and eventual misery.

I remember my grand mother with her rosary beads coaxing the Lord to pay heed to her woes with her mind on the pot of lentils on the fire, giving commands to her daughters-in-law. With what result; the Lord not being addressed to properly did not answer her prayers, the pot of lentils boiled over, the daughter-in-law went to into sulks every now and then which had chain reactions in the households and often tragic tantrums.

The scenario has changed a bit but not the pattern.

Was it, is it all worth it; now, then or ever?

Cocksure and Prejudiced

2008-07-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Whatever be our education, we still permit ourselves the luxury of some prejudices and totally unjustifiable generalizations. Some obvious ones are such mistaken assumptions like the one that only women can teach children, or Sikhs are not bright enough or that all south Indians make good secretaries.

Similarly, there are fixed ideas in all the other fraternities too. The police begin with the notion that all are basically criminals. They haven’t just yet caught them yet. The lawyer is not very far away from this thought either. The painful point of discord is in the idea that every lawyer thinks that he can get his client off and this is blindly seconded by his client. In general life disaster strikes when mistakenly perceiving ourselves as brilliant we play a tricky one and are sure that no one can see through our machinations.

Mankind is prone to many foolish operations based on their even more stupid cocksure thinking. No superhuman genius is needed to avoid these pitfalls. All errors can never be avoided but definitely minimized.

Whatever the subject, if the matter is such that it can be settled by observation, then take care to observe yourself instead of depending on the hearsay of others.
This occurrence is not as rare it may logically sound. If you read the literature of long ago, you will notice that writers would speak about unicorns and such with such definite purpose that you almost would believe them. It seems unicorns were everywhere but no one had seen one.

Most assumptions are unfortunately less easy to resolve. Most people have passionate convictions. Like I was brought up on the information that we should be wary of Muslims because they steal children and make easy murderers. The women of our household very passionately believed in this idea and there was no shaking them out of it. That my best and most reliable friends are Muslims, still does not make the elderly ladies who brought me up, feel that this proves anything.

The best way to realize your own bias is to pay attention to yourself. If an opinion contrary to your own makes you angry, it is a sure sign that you have really no basis for your own convictions. If somebody maintains that the earth is flat, today, do you get angry? No! You rather pity the person and laugh it off. But in the matters of religion where there is no argument that can be proven either way, the chaos and stupidity results in behavior and acts that are stupendous and shattering.

Shall we use a little logic and try to become more rational? Be wary of opinions that flatter your self-esteem. Do not believe in the superior excellence of your prejudices.

Contradicting Lovingly

2008-07-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

When I was young, in college and still sorting out the everyday contradictions in terms of human relationships, one of the features of my life was to understand the attitude of my parents towards me. From one angle it was clear that I was precious to them and from another angle, they seem to take me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was supposed to do them proud by coming up to some standards that were never clearly defined while at the same time I was not supposed to show any initiative and do what I was told. On this point the directions were clear: as if the parents were saying “We are here and know what is best for you. We are doing the thinking for you, all that is needed will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if they had never bargained for the child to grow and assert some of his own personality.

When this time did come, it changed into a period of confrontation. It became a competition between two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in their ways, afraid of change and the other experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me the right honest answers either.

Then one day I went to somebody’s house and there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky looking man shouting at an obviously younger child: “The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal in its character, is floating around then certainly this attitude of my parents which was puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little more close observation of all the parents around me, backed by reading The Reader’s Digest made the answers come tumbling into my life.

Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to see how much this tendency to negate and contradict permeates life in general. As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is growing into an adult and the parents are not grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t want him to act at all, as if this way they can protect him from all adversity. The child on the other hand begins first by seething inside and then hiding his true self and living a double life; so to say. The parents get more and more strongly into the denying and the child starts even more vehemently saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid that his life will be taken over and therefore learns to say No to everything. His relationships are all difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional, amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character then gets passed on from generation to generation.

Look around closely. How often do you see people agreeing and accepting each other and in comparison how often we are crossing each other out?

I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on seeing my attempts was that I being a child should try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset him and finally got what I wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many years later, I painted a canvas which before even it was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room. This was appreciation of a high order.

Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good luck to grow into an adult far away from the restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an international exposure and had teachers who were always listening and ready to help me find the answers to MY questions; without the bias of social norms restricting our exchanges.

Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted so much to converse and share my life with him. But he would not accept me as anything but his child who should in all good sense let him run his life. He never outgrew my childhood and this contradiction always showed in his behavior.

The Value of training programs

2008-06-24T04:14:00.001-07:00

The value of training programs of sales people, especially in sales of High value items like cars and high priced luxury items is the subject of this discussion.

This is one of the most difficult lines of work. My personal observation is that most sales people are from a very different environment (economically, socially & often educationally) to that of the buyer. This results in a vast chasm between what the buyer expects and the seller is able to respond to.

Of course training programs have their value and they do theoretically prepare the sales people to understand what they are getting into and what is expected of them. Raw recruits do need this training. But the basic problems of all training programs is in the fact that certain character traits are already embedded and indelibly marked in most people by the time they enter life’s stream. Even after many years of training and experience many people never learn to control certain habits and/or behavior responses of theirs. For instance traits like, shyness or brashness, impatience, over-eagerness, arrogance, cleverness, argumentativeness and such; although there are many traits that help like sympathy and empathy, good manners, good elocution etc. This is why most raining programs do not take you very far. They make the person conscious of certain points alright but most are not able to incorporate these factors into their persona. At the actual moment of need, people always behave, act or/and react in a predictable manner which is their basic personality.

It is not easy for the sales people to visualize or understand the needs of the buyer or the way the buyer thinks. Most often they miss the cues to what will trigger interest and decision to finalize a purchase in the buyer. Let us say the buyer is a millionaire and likes his little luxuries which he can afford but the sales guy would never have had the opportunity to experience. For example the texture and shape of the seat may be of more importance to the buyer than the salesperson can really ever imagine as he would not have had the luxury of that kind of a life; then it can be presumed that the sales person would totally miss his shots while trying to impress the buyer.

The salesman may be very talented and informed about cars and would easily able to reply all the questions of the buyer but may miss the point that the buyer is a snob and would not take kindly to be hustled or crowded around. Technicalities may not even bother the buyer. To him certain comforts and amenities and discounts may be more important. A buyer of a car rarely comes in without some pre-thinking and can be expected to be informed so his mind maybe already half made up. I have seen buyers being put-off by the aggressiveness and insensitivity of sales persons.

In most management programs that are outlined I notice, we give great advice which is actually meaningless in practice. This is because it is easier said than done. Most people are creatures of habit and their behavior patterns are not that easily transformed by a few words thrown at them.

The words of Francis Bacon that say something like this are important: We think according to fancy, talk according to education but behave by habit.

That is why I have been an enthusiastic proponent of apprenticeship. After basic training always place the new sales guy under a senior. The job of the senior to be specifically to train the junior and not just use him as an assistant; a junior picks far much more over the years by seeing a senior at work than short training stints can ever inculcate.

Stealing credit.

2008-06-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

Recently I became aware that some of my write-ups are being posted in the groups I post my articles. I am sharing here my views and some of others who responded to my mention of this malaise.

The paste and copy provided by the Internet technology is a good thing but it cannot be taken as a license to take credit for material written by others. I have seen two instances of my write-ups being submitted by others; Sad state of affairs. What harm is there in appreciating my effort and letting be a little proud for my efforts?
I would say either give credit for using posted material to the original writer or write up your own if you have something to say.Taking undue credit and making profit by cutting corners amounts to plain cheating which is reprehensible, And this the one flaw in our character which has kept us back from becoming world class or world leaders. It is high time that we started showing our intelligence rather than our cunning and cleverness.

Somebody copying us is flattery all right. But are we looking for flattery? Stealing, spying, cheating is a way of life. Not being paid for work done is also a fairly prevalent phenomenon. There will always be someone who will take advantage. What is reprehensible is that we do not care anymore for the ethics involved.
How low have we allowed ourselves to go?

There is a legal side to it. Suppose I get my work published and half a dozen people stand up claiming as theirs? Once you get embroiled in the legal system life becomes hell.
And don't think people won’t do it. Wives are using the laws to get even. The moment you buy a plot of land, there is another claimant who files a suit. Frivolous things are part of the human make up alright.

But downright copying and posting it on the same channel from where you have picked it up seems to me going too far in stupidity. The least I would suppose is that someone would use the points raised and do some re-write of his own.

Christine McLeod wrote:
Hi Pradeep,

A very real and a very serious concern is what you have expressed here. Plagiarism is the bane of our society, and we, especially in India, with our 'sab chalta hai' attitude have never learnt of copyright. Right from the way 'cheating' is perceived by children in our schools, to the spillover of attitudes at work...radical awareness is the call of the hour.

gvk mohan wrote:

I agree that copying is not on. But as Trainers or whatever, can we look further? I am not advocating anything or speaking for somebody. My point is, the net is an ocean by itself. It is information everywhere. There are no guarantees. When we post, our right on that post is may be gone forever. Can we think a bit bigger, broader and say "ok, if that guy has copied my post and reposted, hope it gives him some happiness or pride, hope it gives him some knowledge, hope it helps him in some way". I am asking this to Pradeep and others too generally. Tell me, what we write, speak today, is it not out of our lifetime reading or listening? Are we that original and creative and have produced such stuff that we need to get worked up? Are we that big in this universe? Are we saying "Hey, that piece of info or knowledge is mine? If you want to use it, say that is from me. And then I’m ok with you using it.”??? And in fact, if someone has re-posted you, take pride, as your stuff
seems to be so good that someone thought it worthy of copying.

Inez Rufus wrote:

Agreed that there's a wealth of information in cyberspace and in books and that we as trainers can't always be expected to say "Eureka" to every concept we train in. We borrow, we bend, we twist, we collate and we train.

However, when people do not use their creativity to enhance or build on what they have borrowed (either through the information highway or books) and blatantly copy without giving credit to the original, it's unethical to say the least.

Recently I was informed that modules that I had created as Training Head (through collated data) were being used by a Delhi company.

It's a shame that we can be so blatantly unethical and have so such little originality that we stoop to copy - without acknowledgement.

I would be more than happy to share things with others, but not when others assume ownership. I think it's unfair and totally unacceptable.

Numerology in Human Resources

2008-06-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

Numerology in HR

Using exotic systems to assess potential capabilities of candidates is nothing out of the normal. Astrology has been used in management of business and kingdoms since planning began. Today we have many more simple systems like numerology and graphology to fall back upon. From the pragmatic point of view I would say there is nothing wrong in depending on the data provided by these systems if you tend to trust them and even more so if the interpreter of signs is trustable. There is of course a big IF involved and you may lose a good candidate by aspecting too much on just the numbers and others signs without taking into account mitigating factors and the sterling qualities of the candidate.

I will admit that I have used numerology and graphology with some success in my own life.
The basic facts that these systems provide are enough to guide us on to the correct path or at least give indication which way the wind is blowing. But it is best kept personal. There are too many factors at play. One of them is “Effort” and this should also be taken to mean that one should continuously make the effort to learn about one’s profession and connected subjects as much possible to arrive at mature and correct decisions.

But this essay is more to highlight the dependency shown by aspiring candidates themselves in such esoteric sciences to land jobs or plan their next career move. The focus on “kismet” seems to me inordinately high. A young man once phoned to ask me if he would pass in his exam. My response was that if he studied and prepared well for the coming test, he should certainly succeed. His response is indicative of the attitude of today: he told me if I saw success in his life then he would put in the effort otherwise what was the point of it all?!

I met some people yesterday and thought it would fruitful to put down the experience on paper to share.

A mother along with her daughter paid me a visit to take advantage of my practical knowledge of numerology to know how things would work out with her daughter but she would not let the daughter speak. I stopped her right there and asked her to keep herself in the back ground for awhile so that I could hear the daughter’s version. What had transpired was something like this: The girl was obviously brought up with only one end in view:- marriage. She had been through the entire Indian school program, yet she obviously was not conversant with her basics on any subject. I did not think it wise to ask too much about the school. How these young people manage to get through the exams beats me. And what kind of teaching is going on in our schools would be a good question to pose. The girl spoke only her dialectical version of her mother tongue. She had no English and no practical knowledge of anything at all. To top this combination, life played her a bad trick. The parents in their exalted wisdom married her off at the age of 19. She had a child when 20; a separation at 21 and at the age of 23 a depression.
She has been trying to look for a job since the last 20 months with no success.

What was I to do? Numerology had no role to play here. The daughter’s Q "When will I find a job?" really had no reply as such in my book. So I thought I would be bluntly honest and told her that getting a job is easy when you are trained for one. Jobs are essentially a barter system at work. You give in term of work and you get paid for it. What exactly had she done in that line? Her answer really put my pragmatism on hold. She told she never got the time. With a mother running her life and not only thinking for her but also providing her with all she could want, she had not even learnt to cook a simple omlette. You want to make an omlette; you have to break the egg. Her culinary prowess was limited to phone in a pizzeria. I wonder if parents realize what harm they do to their children by over-cuddling and at the same time over-patronizing them. There is also this over dependency on the education system to instill all the worldly, social, inter-personal and other knowledge required to navigate thru life. Even if they are being raised for marriage, don’t they see that marriage requires inter-personal and household skills of some level of proficiency?

So I advised her to acquire some basic skills like selling to begin with. She could begin by joining a corporate showroom in the sales dept and acquire experience. Side by side I felt she would do well to learn both Hindi and English properly, more suitable for the world at large. All this with a focus on eventually getting into a more specialized career as needed in call-centers or junior executives in corporate offices.

I now understand the comments being made by management seniors that our young people are not really employable. It is so sad.

Have you made your statement?

2008-05-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Have you made your statement?

Many of our decisions are based on thoughts that arise within us influenced by our need to be recognized. It is our vanity at work. Once when I was a lot younger I was asked this question – What is the difference between Pride and Vanity? But that was then and I was completely foxed. The teacher then took the trouble of explaining it to me that that pride was what we thought of ourselves and vanity was what we wanted others to think of us.
Since then I have always kept a close watch on my thoughts about myself and would try to fit them into either “pride” or “vanity” category. It is quite a difficult task if we are sincere about it.

This leads us straight to the subject under discussion. A few stories will explain my point better. Let us use these stories to understand and put us on our guard.

Here is a young man; comes from an established industrial family and the only son. It is not difficult for him to think of himself as a cut above the rest. Then he goes to USA for his MBA. Eventually he returns home and joins his father to run the organization. He is allowed to run his own companies that he is allowed to form. His father had already a staff around so he was expected to use the same. This created a subtle two layer clash of interests as his father was keeping a strict control over the running of the company and the staff was not sure who to follow. The knee jerk of the son was to try and control more of what was happening in his companies. So every now and then he would call his executives and instruct them in detail about everything and confuse the issue; even going to the extent of dictating the letters on behalf of his executives and crossing the “T”s and dotting the “I”s as how situations should be managed in the field. This was not only annoying but time wasting as often he would keep his executives locked up in his office for hours in so-called meetings. He was, as I saw it, making a statements galore; some for his pride and some for his vanity. It was needed for his pride to show that he was running the show and not just a puppet around there; and for his vanity he needed to make sure that his executives recognized his talents, education and grasp of the situation. He would go to great lengths to show-off his inside knowledge even of the details of the field even though he never left the comfort of his office. An awful chasm would be created in what needed to be done and what the boss thought should be done. The poor executives were literally sandwiched in between the directives and at the same time under the pressure to show results. The mess his personality was in soon began to show in the results of the company’s balance sheet; a first class blue-print for fiasco.

So on further analysis what essentially needs to be understood is the question : are we making statements or doing things that need to be done?

One very good formula to separate the requirement based actions from the statement based actions is by asking the question: Am I trying to impress others with this action? Am I keeping at the back of my mind what effect it will have on others? A little introspection will do.

Let us say you go to the doctor for some pain in the back. Nobody knows about it and you are stoic enough to keep it yourself. There the doctor takes x-rays and advises rest and medication. You do all these and come to office the next week, refreshed and happy and when asked where and what you were up to, you smile and tell them that you had a holiday as you felt the need for it. That being that. This is a requirement based activity and nothing of statement-making comes into the picture.

In contrast I will tell you another story. A lady manager of a bank was required to go to inspect the veracity & genuineness of a client who had asked for a loan for a car. At first glance the address was from a lower middle class neighborhood and that too in an area not known for its nice ways. So she asked me to go along with her. There was really no way our car could go inside the colony. We left it out on the main road and went in. The streets were not more than 10 feet wide and cluttered up with shops spreading out all over the road. The client had asked to buy a Swift Maruti which had been launched recently and was quite the rage of the lot considering themselves as avant-garde. Here too, in this case, the buyers were relatively young people, quite evidently buying a swift more to make a statement than anything else as they were quite happy using a motorbike for ease of maneuvering in traffic. I could not contain myself and did ask where they were going to park the car. On the street outside they told me candidly. I kept my peace after that as it was really between the bank and them and of course the neighbors when they would find their way blocked by the wide-bodied swift.

Innocuous things like buying a tie, pen, lipstick or dress can reflect our deeper thoughts. Are we buying because we absolutely want to because the product appeals to us and complements our life-style and our comfort zone or there are other untold motives like making sure that others would notice how classy, super-selective we are? And often it may come to pass that nobody bothers at all and all the money spent and trouble taken comes to a disappointing nothing.

So when you take decisions just reflect also upon the reality factor; if you are doing something for making a statement or really and objectively it needs to be done. The yardsticks that we are judged by are small, very tiny actions and doings that give us away. When our actions become obvious statement-making ploys, we are only inviting derision and sometimes even trouble.

The Value of Appreciation.

2008-05-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

The Value of Appreciation.

We, of course love to be appreciated; even flattery is welcome as there being some basis of truth in it somewhere. We judge and work out our own place under the sun from comments we hear about ourselves. I wonder how many of us realize that this is also the biggest chink in our amour. From a very pragmatic view of life, we have to live with others and therefore what they think is important. The point of debate is how much value can we and should we give to whom and why.

The first angle to this debate is on the source of appreciation; or for that matter criticism. It is a very rare person who has risen above his personal likes and dislikes, prejudices and desires so all comments become by this very nature of things suspect. I would go far enough to say that we are never wholly ever sincere in the words we utter because in every thing we do or say there is always an element of self-appreciation or the need for it showing through. In straight and blunt language this means that our personal agenda makes us say and act and there is some manipulation involved to make others think and behave on a track of our choosing. Criticisms in contrast have always some element of showing-off or/and spite.

My own experience is that we take, broadly speaking, 3 basic factors in our judging of others. These are definitely involving our own personal level of maturity and the basic Mother-nature-given character. First and most common is the judgment passed on the basis of physical appearance. Our looks are an accident of birth but we take it as a personal achievement and we then judge the world by a standard we lay down with ourselves as the chief example. Anyone who falls within this gambit is one of us and “good” and conversely the rest are down-graded to lesser beings. Do we realize how easily we become open to manipulation because of the credence we would give to our own need to categorize? All somebody has to do to enter in our good books is to praise our handsomeness, strength, clothes or possessions and such superficial projections. The best that can be said of this yardstick is that we rarely come close enough to others to have any other; yet this is too subjective to be of any real value.

The other two factors are our education and philosophy of life. It is easy to understand that we are conditioned by our education and the principles taught at home or followed by our parents and immediate society. When we go out into life we take decisions based on our education and prejudices. Life teaches us the correct value of things by the results that ensue and this gives rise to our philosophy of life. Life is short and the baggage of faulty decisions soon starts weighing upon us. Most of the baggage is from the value that we sometime or other gave to the comments unleashed at us by others. Rarely do we have the courage to distance ourselves from what others think of us. Many pattern their entire lives on the thought “What will they say?” A lot many people never come to terms with reality at all. They spent an entire lifetime trying to “change” the world to their conceptions of how things should be which results in anguish and depression. They refuse to learn from experience or share anyone’s view. Wherever these persons have some hold they impose themselves and as they are not in tune with life truly, they create waves of accidents and pain.

The truth is that we should always remember that appreciation is never wholly sincere, nor is criticism and adding a pinch of salt to all we hear from others is the correct approach to it all. In relationships, we must accept that perceptions change with time and we need to change with them. I would also take the radical step of making drastic changes in relations and business tactics. It is imperative that we neither fully allow ourselves to be swamped by opinions and comments nor carry them too long in our conscience; take note of all that is coming your way, then be honest enough to look within yourself, make the necessary note, adjustments and changes as needed and go ahead with life. It is simple logic that when you have made the change, the past is no longer relevant and should be dropped like a used sheath and forgotten otherwise it will be like a mill-stone on your shoulders very similar to the Chinese punishment of yore.

It is easy to say so but we need to learn to sift between appreciation and flattery as well as spiteful abuse and positive criticism. So it follows that only those who have the courage to live by their own perceptions, open to what life is trying to tell them with a lot sincerity to be objective, specially with their own selves will really grow, succeed and find happiness.

Listen and be Damned

2008-05-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

Listen and Be Damned.

I am tired of being told that to live a more efficient life I need to become a good listener. Open any book on self development, spiritual emancipation, marriage counseling or management science and the same advice glares at you from all sides. All the glitches are from poor listening if there is any listening in the first place. Not a single writer, philosopher or guru ever mentions the other side of the picture.

Tell me how will listening help? I am here to make my life easy; not yours. If I listen, I put myself in the unedifying position of wanting to better myself and do a good job. This would in turn bring in appreciation and then everybody would be gunning for me to do more. No sir! I just wish to bide my time and would like a lot of margin to hedge my bets. I love people with poor language abilities and even poorer interpersonal behavior patterns. In this situation I am always able to find excuses and faults enough to cover my intentions of not wanting to do anything in the first place.

I sincerely have not understood how listening could be of help to me. I live in my very private cocoon; perfectly smug in my little comfortable corner. I am aware of my faults and till date I have been covering them up quite well; or at least I think so. From what I can see, listening can only bring me a host of complications. I can site many examples. I would rather spend my time arguing it out (what would politely be called discussion) than really going about doing wonderfully all that I am capable of doing and gather praises.

My wife asks me to put out the garbage. But as she likes to talk long distance with her face mostly in the opposite direction with her face stuck inside some pot or shelf, it gives me the perfect excuse to feign as if I never heard anything and ignore the situation, hoping that she would do the job herself. If I am caught out there would be enough arguments up my sleeve to at least put up a show of indignation. You see I simply cannot make it easy for her. If I did so, the number of jobs that I would end up doing would only grow in number. Believe me, I am better off with my reputation of being absent-minded, partly deaf or weak in the head or whatever.

In the office, I always put up a good show of listening while my mind is flitting all over the globe. It is a good thing they can’t see my thoughts. Last evening I was called in by my boss. He wanted me to receive a company head at the airport; a job he was slated to be doing himself. Now I definitely do not appreciate being ploughed into this kind of secretarial duties. So I said nothing then, but an hour before the flight, I rang up the boss to tell him that I was 40 kms away on another job I had been assigned and docilely started asking him for advice on how to complete the job to his entire satisfaction. Now he was in a fix. Here I was asking for advice while he wanted to be angry and ask me why I was not on the way to the airport. Finally he did ask the question. I had already rehearsed my answer. So I showed surprise and replied that was it not in the morning that I was supposed to go to the airport. The boss fumed and knew that he been outfoxed and went himself eventually. So you see!

Now I am no junior either but my boss is one step ahead of me and does not let me forget it. He tries to ply me with work that he should be doing himself. My plate is already full and he knows it. So what; that does not stop him. Now you would readily have reckoned, the whole of my existence is to slip out of sticky situations. If I listened it would be the end of me.

The truth of the matter is that humanity does not want to listen. We live in a very self-centered world and are content to be there. Listening opens us to betterment and that is not really desired. What would happen to our personal agendas that in the normal course we dare not expose to others? Listening allows seeds to be sowed in the heart which will, of course, grow and upset the status quo no end.

Here I have just brushed the subject as far as we see in our daily existences. The truth is that NOT listening is the norm; even in other more truthful environments like spirituality, ashrams and religious societies. Life is lived like a charade with many lies being promoted and practised because it suits everybody. I look at my own and the life of others around me. Believe me I am not really surprised. I don’t see anyone achieving their human aims by playing clean and fair. Lies, even evident lies are vehemently promoted and lapped up. To believe me all you need is to see some of the adverts on the TV, some of the truths propagated by religious leaders, some of the principles of schooling in practice, most of the medical principles advanced and found wanting and continued nevertheless.

Listening means peeping in corners we are really not keen on. It then insists that attention be paid, being alert and aware. Who in the name of heaven really wants all that? I am appalled at the idea that my amour proper will have to take a back seat. This wont do at all. Listening would mean throwing the science of keeping appearances in the dustbin and revealing ourselves in all our insincere nakedness to the world. Sorry this is not acceptable and that is that!

I am here to fulfill my selfish ends and am not averse to join in the drama. Once I have made my pile that will allow me to live out my life to my wishes, who would care about listening anyway?